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Tag Archives: conversion

I Was Converted By Popcorn!

19 May

May 19, 2017

I was shopping at the Dollar Tree last week. This is a store where everything is $1 yet people consistently ask “how much is this?” when they get to the register. There are big signs all over the place and on literally every single shelf that say “EVERYTHING’S $1” but still they ask. And you wonder why I weep for humanity.

Anyway, I was in the snack aisle because there is nothing I like better than $1 cheese doodles when I spotted a display of really big bags of popcorn. The brand was Brim’s and I was disappointed to see that their motto was not “Brimming with Flavor.” C’mon, it’s so obvious!

I suspect this is not gluten free. Why else use quotation marks? Is that their motto?

I bought one and later that night (OK, on the car ride home) I ripped the bag open and the popcorn wasn’t too bad. On a scale of 1 to 10, if 10 is gourmet popcorn popped in solid platinum poppers by a master chef at the Vatican, and 1 is popcorn semi-digested by a rat and regurgitated into the gutter, Brim’s is somewhere on that scale.

So there I was later that night, munching away and enjoying the Premium Butter Flavor when I spilled some on my pants and as I munched it up swept it into the trash I noticed for the first time what they had printed on the back of the bag.

I couldn’t believe what I saw: 380 milligrams of sodium! And next to it, a bible quote: “Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!”

Sorry! Wrong quote!

Isiah 26:3 You will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.

I paused. This was a particularly holy bag of popcorn I was chowing down on. Was I worthy? Or was this sacrilege, as if I was chomping on some communion wafers while watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on my sofa. Was I consuming the buttery body of Christ? Had I just been converted? I’ve been a tried and true Pastafarian since 2008 and I’m not giving up my spaghetti strainer now.

ALL HAIL THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

So I checked things out, as I do, online (you think I got out of my chair for this?) and went to their website. It turns out the verse was not some really, really strange and odds-defying typo. The Brim’s corporation is as religious as a corporation can be.

BRIM’S MISSION STATEMENT

  • Working in harmony in a God honoring, God fearing atmosphere.
  • Manufacturing and distributing snack foods that are superior in quality and value to consumers.
  • Striving to help our distributors and customers attain their financial goals. “Brim’s Snacks becoming Number 1 in the Memphis Market.”
  • Providing customer service to all customers in a professional and courteous manner.
  • May our actions and words honor God.

I am not particularly pious but I don’t remember reading anything about conquering the Memphis snack food market anywhere in the Old Testament. Maybe it’s a Mormon thing.

But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Popcorn is all about resurrection. Dead, dry kernels pop to life anew after just a few minutes in the microwave. Lazarus returned after three days. My microwave does a bag of Jiffy Pop in 2:22. The score: Technology 1, Religion 0.

So I’ll finish my bag of Brim’s Premium Butter Flavor Popcorn in honor of Jesus Christ, Orville Redenbacher, and Brim’s, the Holy Trinity of Popcorn.

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ALL NEW! Sneak Peek for May 2017!

12 May

May 12, 2017

 

Hello Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride subscribers and those of you who ended up here after a failed google search. Here are some of the stories I optimistically plan for this month. 

First up is a story of religion, popcorn, and what happens when you combine the two. Yes, this really happened to me. (Kinda sorta.)

Next, another story that happened to me. All I did was get into the elevator in my building. I may have gotten on at the fourth floor, but I got off at the Twilight Zone Home for Senior Citizens.

Finally, this is the one headline that I did not make up, and this story THANK GOD did not happen to me.

Yup, that’s from Zimbabwe. You may remember my trilogy about the panty-stealing Zimbabwe goblins. This promises to be just as believable. 

All this and who knows what else, this month at bmj2k.com. 

 

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