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Seinfeld 2017

31 Jan

January 31, 2017

Wondering what George and Jerry are bickering about these days? Wonder no more. It’s…

800px-seinfeld_logo-2017George: Hey, didn’t you like my joke?
Jerry: What joke?
G: The one I texted you last night. About how Barack Obama’s dog gets the Secret Service to keep other dogs away from his fire hydrant?
J: Oh yeah, it was funny.
G: You thought it was funny?
J: Yeah, not bad, Georgie Boy.
G: (annoyed) So where was my emoji?

george-1

J: Your what?
G: You didn’t send me a smiley face. You didn’t even LOL.
J: Oh come on!
G: Yes! Yes! If it’s funny you’re supposed to send an emoji. That’s what you do. If you like something you send a thumbs up, or a smiley face. If it’s funny you write back LOL or maybe send a gif of a laughing monkey.
J: Why would I do that when I’ve got a laughing monkey right here?
G: (angry) You owe me an emoji Jerry!
J: I don’t send out emojis that easily. Your joke was barely a chuckle. It wasn’t emoji-worthy.

jerry-shrug

G: This is not how the internet works! People send all kinds of emojis. Kramer sends emojis all the time!
J: Oh, Kramer! He doesn’t know an LOL from an ROTFL!
G: You owe me an emoji Jerry!
J: And you owe me $235 for my drone you crashed last week trying to see the Giants for free.
G: (contrite) Let’s call it even.

george-costanza-jerry-seinfeld

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I Answer Google’s Insane Job Interview Questions

5 Dec

December 5, 2016

Google sounds like a great place to work. But how hard is it to get a job there? Until recently, Google interviewers asked applicants a series of ridiculous and inane questions to, well, um… OK, I really have no clue what the point of these interrogations was. But here, from IFLScience, are some of the unbelievable questions Google is now banned from asking, and my answers. It is my opinion that they were never actually interested in the answers, but wanted see how fast, creative, and intelligent the applicants were.

iflscience

How many golf balls can fit in a school bus?
That depends on how many I can fit in my pockets without the clerk in the pro shop catching me.

Explain the significance of “dead beef.”
That’s a mafia expression. It means that the “beef,” or dispute, is “dead,” or finished, since both guys got whacked.

How many piano tuners are there in the entire world?
Only one, but he’s the best.

You’re the captain of a pirate ship… and your crew gets to vote on how the gold is divided up. If fewer than half of the pirates agree with you, you die. How do you recommend apportioning the gold in such a way that you get a good share of the booty, but still survive?
I’d give them the bulk- 3/4 of the loot and a pep talk about how they deserve it, how hard they work, yada yada yada. They’d have to split the gold between 15 or 20 guys, and my 1/4 would still be a heck of a lot more than anyone else has.

pirate

Design an evacuation plan for San Francisco.
Get out!

You are given 2 eggs… You have access to a 100-story building. Eggs can be very hard or very fragile means it may break if dropped from the first floor or may not even break if dropped from 100th floor. Both eggs are identical. You need to figure out the highest floor of a 100-story building an egg can be dropped without breaking. The question is how many drops you need to make. You are allowed to break 2 eggs in the process.
I am sorry but I cannot answer this question since I am allergic to eggs.

How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?
$10,000 per window because I really don’t want the job. But if anyone is silly enough to hire me, I’d happily wash windows at that rate.

There are more. Now It’s your turn. How would you answer these?

Explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew.

You are shrunk to the height of a nickel… and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?

You have eight balls all of the same size… 7 of them weigh the same, and one of them weighs slightly more. How can you find the ball that is heavier by using a balance and only two weighings?

A man pushed his car to a hotel and lost his fortune. What happened?

How many times a day does a clock’s hands overlap?

You need to check that your friend, Bob, has your correct phone number…but you cannot ask him directly. You must write the question on a card which and give it to Eve who will take the card to Bob and return the answer to you. What must you write on the card, besides the question, to ensure Bob can encode the message so that Eve cannot read your phone number?

Why are manhole covers round?

 

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