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The Burger King Was Not My Valentine

29 Feb

February 29, 2016

This is a true story. It really happened.

It was Valentine’s Day and it was cold. No, that’s not a metaphor. The temperature was about 12 degrees here in New York City. It was about 5 o’clock and I was driving home after buying some underwear at the 99 cent store driving back from brunch with Chrissy Teigen and Kate Upton. I was planning to watch Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster on TiVo going to inventory my collection of solid gold and platinum watches at my estate.

This was the first time in over a decade that I was alone on Valentine’s Day, but don’t worry, my love affair with fast food was still going strong.

BURGER-KING-Whopper-Valentine

Anyway, as I was driving, I was thinking about what to have for dinner. There wasn’t much in the house and it was so cold that the idea of going someplace that I had to get out of my car wasn’t appealing. Besides, is there anything worse than walking into 7-11 on Valentine’s Day and buying a stale hot dog and a Big Gulp for one? Despite what you are thinking, yes there is and I found it.

I got yelled at by a kid at Burger King.

Sadly yes, that’s true.

Like I said, it was bone-chilling cold so no way did I want to get out of the car. I went to a Burger King drive-through (not the best idea at the best of times) and almost got into a head-on collision with another car speeding the wrong way through the drive-through lane.

My love of flame-grilled beef (and beef byproduct) undaunted, I continued on. After my heart stopped pounding, I drove up to the order screen and waited. As I sat there staring, it cycled through all the menu options, pictures of food that looked more edible than the food I was planning on ordering, pictures of that Burger King creep, and began again. And again. I waited two full minutes- not a lifetime, but too long to waste sitting at a Burger King drive-through. Unless you have nothing better to do on Valentine’s Day, that is. Eventually, I rolled down the window, shivered in the cold wind, and called out “hello? Anyone there?”

There wasn’t. No answer. The screen kept cheerily cycling through its pictures of onion rings and oddly unappealing chicken fries, interspersed with ads that said things like “customers are #1!” I have to disagree, they were really treating me like I was number 2. (That’s scatological humor at its finest, folks.)

I was going to drive away, figuring that no way was a Whopper worth this level of effort, when a door some feet down from me opened and a kid, no older than 19, wearing a bubble jacket and looking in no way like he worked there, yelled out “DUDE! It’s cold! You gotta come inside!” He had an attitude of annoyance that only teenagers who hate their jobs can achieve. He looked at me like I was nuts and went back inside, door slamming behind him.

And that’s when I drove away.

Sorry BK. Not tonight.

Sorry BK. Not tonight.

Seriously, after that I was going to give them my money? I’m never going back there again. (Not a bad idea considering how unhealthy it is to begin with.) I went home and went to the official Burger King website and found the complaints link and complained. This was customer service at its worst. This could have been avoided by any of these simple things:
A- A sign on the drive-through screen saying the drive-through was closed
B- No attitude from the employee
C- The staff doing their damn jobs and taking my order at the drive-through like they are supposed to

Too cold to open the drive-through window? That’s how I felt about getting out of my car. The difference is THEY wanted MY money.

This was on the 14th. Here is the response I got on the 18th:

Thank you for taking the time to contact BURGER KING® restaurants. As a valued guest, your comments and observations are very important to us. Your feedback is valuable in helping us to continuously work towards providing the best possible guest experience.

Thank you again for bringing this matter to our attention and rest assured that your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate management team so that they may be aware of your concerns. We value your opinion and look forward to serving you again in the near future.

Kind Regards,
BURGER KING® restaurants Guest Relations

As of today I have gotten no further response. I don’t expect one.

And that was the highlight of my Valentine’s Day. Looking back, I really should have gone to Wendy’s. At least Wendy is cute, and she never broke my heart.

wendy

YES, this is a real website.
NO, I have nothing to do with it.
PROBABLY, there have been several restraining orders issued.
OBVIOUSLY, this world is nuts.

 

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Sneak Peek of the Week: July 19th, 2015

19 Jul

July 19, 2015

fat guy threat

Sorry, Fat Guy. It’s hard to fit you in sometimes. But don’t worry, I’ll see what we can do.

It’s going to be one of those weird weeks coming up. We’ll check out a creep on a golf course that freaked out the guide on a ghost tour, and I’ll share my own story of when some creep tried to either pick me up or abduct me, I’m not sure which. This isn’t a childhood story, this happened last week!

All this, a pair of conjoined transgender mermaids, and the world’s sexiest gorilla, coming up this week on Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride at bmj2k.com.

And oh yeah, I’ll try to find a spot for the Fat Guy too.

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