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Mr. Blog’s Tepid Gun Permit

8 Apr

April 8, 2022

YEEE HAW and Howdy, Mr. Blog’s Bucakroos! Why is your old pal Hombre Blog talking like he’s gone plumb loco? That’s because I HAVE! YAAAAHOOOO!

You see, Mr. Blog is about to go on vacation, and not just any vacation, Mr. Blog is on his way to one of those crazy southern states where gun laws are lax and the death penalty abounds! And I have to tell you, Mr. Blog is so excited about this, he is/I am talking about Mr. Blog/myself in the third person! How zag-nutty is that???

Yes indeed, I am excited because while I am in the largely lawless South, I am going to get myself a gun permit. Yes indeed. A permit. A gun permit! Take that, lawbreakers and criminals! Screw you, first and/or fifth Amendment haters, whichever is the right to bear arms Amendment. GUN PERMIT!

What? No, no, I am not getting a gun. Are you crazy? A gun? Those things are dangerous. And to tell the truth, I stay away from them at a respectful distance, like you would an angry dog or the Pope.

But a gun permit? Oh HELL YEAH! That’ll show them I am a man not to be messed with. “Hey! You Mr. Subway Mugger-Man! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Don’t come any closer, I have a gun permit!” That’ll show him the type of man I am. I am a man licensed by the government to have a gun! I am a possibly potentially Dangerous Dan Dude. “Yeah, I got a gun permit. Want to see it? Yeah punk, John Law says I can carry heat. So STAY BACK! I COULD BE A BAD MAN!”

Walking down the street late at night, who cares? I’ll let money drip out of my pocket like a leaky hose, no one will mess with me, I have a gun permit and I very well could be packing serious heat if I damn well wanted to, which I don’t, but I could, so stay back. LOOK AT MY GUN PERMIT, SKELL! Put on your glasses, fool, there is fine print at the bottom. I am responsible enough to be allowed to carry a gun and scared of them enough not to, but you don’t know that, do you? Do you?

007 has a license, I have a permit. SAME THING. Yeah, I am totally getting a gun permit. That’ll show everyone. I am allowed to carry a gun! Stay way back! Respect my author-it-tay! I may not have a gun, but I could if I wanted to, I am allowed! PERMIT!

Yeah, total tough guy here. Gun permit. I also have a dog license. Maybe I have a Rottweiler in my pocket too, want to find out? Yeah, gun permit!*

* Please Note: Mr. Blog will not be getting a gun permit. Signed, Mr. Blog’s wife.

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Should I Be Worried About Alec Baldwin?

8 Nov

November 8, 2021

Poor Alec Baldwin. He’s “inconsolable,” he’s “hysterical,” he’s so distraught that he and his family have recently been seen house hunting and drinking expensive latte in Vermont coffee houses. His wife has been so miserable that she has been posting happy family portraits on Instagram of Alec and the kids playing in the snow.

Poor Alec! He must feel so terrible since he, you remember, recklessly killed a woman in cold blood.

Poor poor man! On that movie set, he was handed a gun, and all he did was check to see if it was loaded, no I mean handle it safely with his finger off the trigger, no that’s not right, he aimed a gun at a human being and pulled the trigger. Yeah, I think that’s what I mean.

Oh, sad Alec! I know how horrible this made you feel, and I know how upsetting this must be, and yes, this is all very traumatic for you.

Of course, there’s a dead woman whose family won’t be spending the holidays with her, but hey! Buck up, buddy!

When did Alec Baldwin become a victim and not a victimizer? He’s a Producer on that film. He is one of the people responsible for the overall safety on that set. The buck stops with him. And of course, he carelessly, recklessly, and very, very stupidly aimed the gun at another human being and pulled the trigger. On top of not checking to see if it was loaded. He broke every rule of gun safety and common sense.

But cheer up, pal! The media is rallying around you, Alec! They are printing stories of how this has affected you, of how you are never going to be the same. They are rooting for you, Alec old boy!

Hey, that dead woman will never be the same either, but don’t despair, Alec! Everyone loves you Alec Baldwin!

You goddam asshole.

Should I be worried about Alec Baldwin? Only if he has a gun in his hand.

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