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Allan Keyes Found The Best Picture Ever!

11 Feb

February 11, 2018

Hi kids! Sorry I’ve been away so long, but things are busy as ever at chez Keyes. Wife. Kids. Diapers. Poop. Not to mention the kid’s diapers and poop. OK, I’m kidding. I’m not that old, I just feel that way.

The other day I was doing research on the internet trying to figure out why I’m not one of these new bitcoin millionaires. I’ve narrowed it down to the fact that I have no idea what a bitcoin is or how to get one.

But I did find THE BEST PICTURE EVER! It appeals to EVERYONE!

TRUMP SUPPORTERS: See? He’s not a racist.
TRUMP HATERS: See? He’s a HUGE racist!
TRUE RACISTS: HA! Look at that #$*(ing &%# in the hat!
WWE FANS: That’s The Reverend Slick!

In case you don’t know who Slick is, take a look at this, his official music video, Jive Soul Bro:

 

That picture of Trump may not change your mind about him but I think we can all agree that the WWE ought to be ashamed of itself.

I’ll end with some of my patented bad Photoshop featuring my favorite foodie:

Happy Black History Month!

 

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Mom Loves Netflix

30 Jan

January 30, 2018

I was spending a nice evening at home with my mother, I wrote, knowing that she may read this. It was a Saturday night but hey- do I have anything better to do? No I do not.

We were watching TV. More accurately, we were not watching TV. It was on but I was at the computer where I may have been one of the last humans on the planet to finally see an episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. It stars some Jerry Seinfeld fella you may have heard of. Mom was reading the newspaper.

Reading the daily newspaper is a lost art, one that frankly deserves to be lost. Think about it. The paper gets printed in the morning, full of stories written about news the night before. It gets bought in the late morning then sits around until afternoon or evening. By the time you read about a bank robbery, the crooks have already been caught and are planning their escape. Many is the time, and this is true, I’ve said to Mom “wow that was some horrible tragedy yesterday” and she’d say “yeah, the Mets lost again.” Meanwhile I was talking about the latest natural disaster in which 287 Sumatrans died when their village was flattened by a hurricane.

But the plight of the poor Sumatrans is not what we’re talking about here. (Honestly, I say if you can’t stand the heat, get out of Sumatra.) It is the sorry state of television. There was nothing worth watching on TV that night, unless you want to see the 697th rerun of The Big Bang Theory where Walowitz gets shot into space, or an episode of Redneck House Flippers Live!

I asked Mom if maybe there was something she wanted to see on Netflix. She said that Netflix has all those good TV shows she’s been dying to see. How long has she been dying to see them? For about eight years, which is also about how long she has had Netflix. (In case you haven’t figured it out yet, she has no idea how to access Netflix. “What time is the Netflix on? Does it come on after Judge Judy?”)

Well this was her big chance because I actually know which button to press to get Netflix. HINT: It is the same button you press to get everything else. So, Mom, what should we sit down and watch?

“I want to see Orange is the New Black.”

 I was thinking more in the line of the new Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Me to Mom: “You want us to watch a show about women getting beat up and sexually assaulted in prison?”
Mom: “I heard it was good.”

So I did what any good son would do. I watched another episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (guest: Joel Hodgeson) while Mom watched Walowitz getting shot into space.

 

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