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Gwyneth Paltrow Vs. Dracula

14 Oct

October 14, 2017

The horror is all about us this month. The temperature dips, the sun sets earlier, the moon rises, and Halloween nears. Werewolves stalk the woods and vampires seek their prey. It is a good thing we have a protector, a direct decedent of Professor Van Helsing.

I am of course talking about the traditional foe of the undead, Gwyneth Paltrow.

In case you missed it, noted intellectual, nuclear physicist, and Mensa member Paltrow is selling vampire repellent on her website, the accurately named goop.com.

It’s a real thing, check it out. The ingredients include such well-known anti-vampire ingredients as sound waves, moonlight, and love. Now me, if I were selling a quack vampire repellent, I’d use sunlight, not moonlight, but hey, that’s just me. The vampire repellent handed down in my family for generations includes sunlight, garlic, and pure anger.

Now to be fair to the clueless Ms. Paltrow, this is actually made to repel psychic vampires, and those are much harder to defend against than the blood-sucking types. My old Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual says they deal 1d6 points of damage + 1d6 points of damage for every two power points spent. Whatever that means.

But if you are a fan of stuff like this, no matter what your brain issue, you can also find other awesome(ly expensive and ridiculous) items on her site like an energy-cleansing aromatic mister and a rose quartz egg designed to increase sexual energy. I appreciate the fact that instructions are not included online for that item.

Whether the vampires are psychic or blood draining, it seems to me the only suckers here are the ones paying money for this stuff.

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A Real Halloween Trick

1 Oct

October 1, 2017

It’s October 1st and this is it: Halloween is on the way. Think about it. The weather is turning chilly. The days are getting shorter. The ghouls and goblins are creeping closer and everyone is getting ready for Trick or Treating. Costumes! Candy! Greeting cards!

Greeting cards?

Yes greeting cards. It’s nothing new. Go into your local Rite Aid/Walgreen’s/CVS (there’s one on every block) and you’ll see something like this:

Who wants one of these? Since when is Halloween a card-giving holiday? It’s beyond me. Halloween is for going out and having fun. It’s in no way a religious holiday. It isn’t one to be marked and memorialized with a card lovingly signed by Aunt Bess (sorry Aunt Bess) wishing little Sean a happy day. But greeting cards, like all print products, are dying so the card companies are making everything a greeting card holiday. And that includes St. Patrick’s Day, whose tradition is beer, beer, and more beer, to the point that you can’t read a greeting card anyway.

SEAN O’CASEY: Ay, look ‘ere mates! A St. Patrick’s Day card from my dear sainted Aunt Bess!
PATRICK DOYLE: What’s it say, Sean me lad?
SEAN O’CASEY: It says “Wishing you-” BLEARRRGH!
PATRICK DOYLE: That’s a grand amount of Guinness decorating me boots, Sean me lad.

I’ll be man enough to admit that really little kids may like a card with a skeleton or ghost on it, but if you’re giving a kid over 12 years old a card, you’ve got to reevaluate how are living your life.

 

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