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I Was Converted By Popcorn!

19 May

May 19, 2017

I was shopping at the Dollar Tree last week. This is a store where everything is $1 yet people consistently ask “how much is this?” when they get to the register. There are big signs all over the place and on literally every single shelf that say “EVERYTHING’S $1” but still they ask. And you wonder why I weep for humanity.

Anyway, I was in the snack aisle because there is nothing I like better than $1 cheese doodles when I spotted a display of really big bags of popcorn. The brand was Brim’s and I was disappointed to see that their motto was not “Brimming with Flavor.” C’mon, it’s so obvious!

I suspect this is not gluten free. Why else use quotation marks? Is that their motto?

I bought one and later that night (OK, on the car ride home) I ripped the bag open and the popcorn wasn’t too bad. On a scale of 1 to 10, if 10 is gourmet popcorn popped in solid platinum poppers by a master chef at the Vatican, and 1 is popcorn semi-digested by a rat and regurgitated into the gutter, Brim’s is somewhere on that scale.

So there I was later that night, munching away and enjoying the Premium Butter Flavor when I spilled some on my pants and as I munched it up swept it into the trash I noticed for the first time what they had printed on the back of the bag.

I couldn’t believe what I saw: 380 milligrams of sodium! And next to it, a bible quote: “Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!”

Sorry! Wrong quote!

Isiah 26:3 You will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.

I paused. This was a particularly holy bag of popcorn I was chowing down on. Was I worthy? Or was this sacrilege, as if I was chomping on some communion wafers while watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on my sofa. Was I consuming the buttery body of Christ? Had I just been converted? I’ve been a tried and true Pastafarian since 2008 and I’m not giving up my spaghetti strainer now.

ALL HAIL THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

So I checked things out, as I do, online (you think I got out of my chair for this?) and went to their website. It turns out the verse was not some really, really strange and odds-defying typo. The Brim’s corporation is as religious as a corporation can be.

BRIM’S MISSION STATEMENT

  • Working in harmony in a God honoring, God fearing atmosphere.
  • Manufacturing and distributing snack foods that are superior in quality and value to consumers.
  • Striving to help our distributors and customers attain their financial goals. “Brim’s Snacks becoming Number 1 in the Memphis Market.”
  • Providing customer service to all customers in a professional and courteous manner.
  • May our actions and words honor God.

I am not particularly pious but I don’t remember reading anything about conquering the Memphis snack food market anywhere in the Old Testament. Maybe it’s a Mormon thing.

But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Popcorn is all about resurrection. Dead, dry kernels pop to life anew after just a few minutes in the microwave. Lazarus returned after three days. My microwave does a bag of Jiffy Pop in 2:22. The score: Technology 1, Religion 0.

So I’ll finish my bag of Brim’s Premium Butter Flavor Popcorn in honor of Jesus Christ, Orville Redenbacher, and Brim’s, the Holy Trinity of Popcorn.

.

 

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But Is It Art? (No, It Isn’t Art)

25 Feb

February 25, 2017

This story comes from Midnight in the Desert, which is the site for the Art Bell Show. OH, sorry, which was the site for the Art Bell Show. Yep, Art unretired then retired yet again. But the site remains standing and the news remains odd. 

Once again, it is time for another installment of Mr. Blog’s ongoing battle with so-called “art.” Maybe we need another term, one keeping more in line with the political climate. Maybe we can call this “fake art.” Or how about “alt-art”? Read the article and we’ll decide.

man-in-rock-article

Abraham Poincheval is no stranger to daring performance art, but his latest project is probably the toughest one yet. The French artist will spend eight straight days sealed in a human shaped hole carved out inside a giant boulder. The purpose of this unusual performance – “to find out what the world is”.

On February 22, 2017, 45-year-old Poincheval was sealed in this carved out stone sarcophagus at Paris’s Palais de Tokyo gallery, where he will allegedly spend eight straight days, until March 1st. His temporary prison, a large boulder split in two with just enough room to fit the artist’s body in sitting position, and enough food and water to keep him in good physical condition over his eight days of isolation. His only connection to the outside world is a ventilation duct that keeps him from suffocating in the tight space.

“The purpose is to feel the aging stone inside the rock,” told media reporters. “There is my own breathing, and then the rock which lives, still humid because it was extracted not so long ago from the quarry. So there is that flow, that coming and going, between myself and the stone.”

Speaking for a moment as a scientist (yes, I have a degree in advanced scientifity from an online Turkish university) I must point out that rocks are not, technically, alive. But let’s take this loon’s statement seriously. If the rock was alive, then he must have killed it when he cut it in half and hollowed it out. Way to go, murderer.

The guy wants to “find out what the world is.” Is the inside of a rock the best place to do that? It may be the exact opposite of that. Caine from Kung Fu walked the Earth to find out about the world and who am I to argue with one of the most popular shows of the 1970’s? No one sat in a rock in any episode that I ever saw.

I was tempted to do some research to find out just who is paying for this nonsense, but quite honestly, I just don’t care that much. Frankly, I think this guy is trying to dodge either some creditors or an ex-wife. 

But back to the question at hand. The man will be living inside a rock for eight days. I’m sure people will go and look at the rock and flock there to see, well, absolutely nothing but hey, this somehow is called “performance” art. So is this art? Is this, by any stretch of the imagination, art? 

No.

I don’t think “fake art” or “alt-art” covers this. I prefer the good, old-fashioned “crap.”

See? Even these cartoon kids and their musical dog know.

See? Even these cartoon kids and their musical dog know.

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