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Tag Archives: God

Global Warming Of The Brain

29 Sep

September 29, 2018

I had a conversation with a coworker today.

COWORKER: Wow! Did you see all that rain this morning?
ME: Uh huh.

You may already notice that I am not holding up my end of the conversation. That’s because I was clearly and obviously writing a report when this inspiring talk began.

COWORKER: I couldn’t believe it. It was coming down like cats and dogs.
ME: Yeah, it was bad.

I said that without looking up as I continued to type. I hoped she would get the hint.

COWORKER: I wonder if it is raining in North Carolina.

This gave me pause. Was she about to hop on a flight to Raleigh? I slowed my typing just a bit, looked up, and said-

ME: North Carolina?
COWORKER: You know, where they had the hurricane. Can you imagine if it rained after a hurricane. They had enough rain to last!
ME: Oh. (Back to typing.)
COWORKER: I bet it was supposed to be sunny today.
ME: Huh?
COWORKER: You know. The original plan.

No, I did not know. I am not privy to whatever plans she was speaking of. Were they classified? Were they plans made by God? Who was it that had made plans for it to be sunny today? Does Mother Nature have a file I don’t know about? And am I in it?

ME: Whose original plan?
COWORKER: Nature. Or God. Whichever one is in charge of the weather. I bet when the season began and they mapped out the weather this was supposed to be sunny. We had a lot of rain recently so I’m sure this was a going to be a sunny day.

To save us both a little time, let me explain what it took me precious minutes and even more precious brain cells to get out of her. You see, at the beginning of every season (Winter, Summer, Fall, Spring, and Autumn, in that order according to her) the weather forces are mapped out by Nature and/or God (I never pinned her down on that) for the next few months. The temperature each day is planned. Weathermen figured it all out. That’s why the Farmer’s Almanac can tell you years in advance when to plant crops. And, she said conspiratorially, there’s big money in being a weatherman.

I can get behind the idea of a Mother Nature like this.

Well, I’m an educated man. At one point I was on the track to a career in science. (That’s true. No sarcasm here.) I understand what drives weather patterns and I can tell you, unequivocally, that Mother Nature does not sit down and over tea and scones with God write out in her little black book the temperature and humidity for every day of the year.

But to her point, if today was originally penciled in by the Theoi Meteoroi to be a sunny day, why was it raining?

COWORKER: Global warming. It ruins every nice day. This was going to be a sunny day but someone gave it a shot of global warming and all the plans went to pot.

Ah. I see. But what I said was-

ME: I don’t think it works that way.
COWORKER: Sure it does. Why do you think they had that hurricane last week? Global warming keeps creating these hurricanes and pretty soon there will be nothing left on Earth except all these hurricanes we keep having and volcanoes.

Say what you want about global warming, it isn’t germane to this blog, but global warming has been blamed for making stronger hurricanes, not creating them. By a total coincidence, I came across an article just the day before which stated just that, and I brought it up online (saving my report because I never was going to go back and finish it at this rate) and showed her.

COWORKER: I don’t have time to read that.

Yes, just like I didn’t have time for this conversation.

So to recap, fairies put nuts in chocolate bars and nice weather is all mapped out in advance by Mother Earth but we get rain because “someone” injects global warming into the atmosphere without warning.

You learn something new every day.

 

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I Was Converted By Popcorn!

19 May

May 19, 2017

I was shopping at the Dollar Tree last week. This is a store where everything is $1 yet people consistently ask “how much is this?” when they get to the register. There are big signs all over the place and on literally every single shelf that say “EVERYTHING’S $1” but still they ask. And you wonder why I weep for humanity.

Anyway, I was in the snack aisle because there is nothing I like better than $1 cheese doodles when I spotted a display of really big bags of popcorn. The brand was Brim’s and I was disappointed to see that their motto was not “Brimming with Flavor.” C’mon, it’s so obvious!

I suspect this is not gluten free. Why else use quotation marks? Is that their motto?

I bought one and later that night (OK, on the car ride home) I ripped the bag open and the popcorn wasn’t too bad. On a scale of 1 to 10, if 10 is gourmet popcorn popped in solid platinum poppers by a master chef at the Vatican, and 1 is popcorn semi-digested by a rat and regurgitated into the gutter, Brim’s is somewhere on that scale.

So there I was later that night, munching away and enjoying the Premium Butter Flavor when I spilled some on my pants and as I munched it up swept it into the trash I noticed for the first time what they had printed on the back of the bag.

I couldn’t believe what I saw: 380 milligrams of sodium! And next to it, a bible quote: “Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!”

Sorry! Wrong quote!

Isiah 26:3 You will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.

I paused. This was a particularly holy bag of popcorn I was chowing down on. Was I worthy? Or was this sacrilege, as if I was chomping on some communion wafers while watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on my sofa. Was I consuming the buttery body of Christ? Had I just been converted? I’ve been a tried and true Pastafarian since 2008 and I’m not giving up my spaghetti strainer now.

ALL HAIL THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

So I checked things out, as I do, online (you think I got out of my chair for this?) and went to their website. It turns out the verse was not some really, really strange and odds-defying typo. The Brim’s corporation is as religious as a corporation can be.

BRIM’S MISSION STATEMENT

  • Working in harmony in a God honoring, God fearing atmosphere.
  • Manufacturing and distributing snack foods that are superior in quality and value to consumers.
  • Striving to help our distributors and customers attain their financial goals. “Brim’s Snacks becoming Number 1 in the Memphis Market.”
  • Providing customer service to all customers in a professional and courteous manner.
  • May our actions and words honor God.

I am not particularly pious but I don’t remember reading anything about conquering the Memphis snack food market anywhere in the Old Testament. Maybe it’s a Mormon thing.

But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Popcorn is all about resurrection. Dead, dry kernels pop to life anew after just a few minutes in the microwave. Lazarus returned after three days. My microwave does a bag of Jiffy Pop in 2:22. The score: Technology 1, Religion 0.

So I’ll finish my bag of Brim’s Premium Butter Flavor Popcorn in honor of Jesus Christ, Orville Redenbacher, and Brim’s, the Holy Trinity of Popcorn.

.

 

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