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Tag Archives: God

I Was Converted By Popcorn!

19 May

May 19, 2017

I was shopping at the Dollar Tree last week. This is a store where everything is $1 yet people consistently ask “how much is this?” when they get to the register. There are big signs all over the place and on literally every single shelf that say “EVERYTHING’S $1” but still they ask. And you wonder why I weep for humanity.

Anyway, I was in the snack aisle because there is nothing I like better than $1 cheese doodles when I spotted a display of really big bags of popcorn. The brand was Brim’s and I was disappointed to see that their motto was not “Brimming with Flavor.” C’mon, it’s so obvious!

I suspect this is not gluten free. Why else use quotation marks? Is that their motto?

I bought one and later that night (OK, on the car ride home) I ripped the bag open and the popcorn wasn’t too bad. On a scale of 1 to 10, if 10 is gourmet popcorn popped in solid platinum poppers by a master chef at the Vatican, and 1 is popcorn semi-digested by a rat and regurgitated into the gutter, Brim’s is somewhere on that scale.

So there I was later that night, munching away and enjoying the Premium Butter Flavor when I spilled some on my pants and as I munched it up swept it into the trash I noticed for the first time what they had printed on the back of the bag.

I couldn’t believe what I saw: 380 milligrams of sodium! And next to it, a bible quote: “Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!”

Sorry! Wrong quote!

Isiah 26:3 You will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.

I paused. This was a particularly holy bag of popcorn I was chowing down on. Was I worthy? Or was this sacrilege, as if I was chomping on some communion wafers while watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on my sofa. Was I consuming the buttery body of Christ? Had I just been converted? I’ve been a tried and true Pastafarian since 2008 and I’m not giving up my spaghetti strainer now.

ALL HAIL THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

So I checked things out, as I do, online (you think I got out of my chair for this?) and went to their website. It turns out the verse was not some really, really strange and odds-defying typo. The Brim’s corporation is as religious as a corporation can be.

BRIM’S MISSION STATEMENT

  • Working in harmony in a God honoring, God fearing atmosphere.
  • Manufacturing and distributing snack foods that are superior in quality and value to consumers.
  • Striving to help our distributors and customers attain their financial goals. “Brim’s Snacks becoming Number 1 in the Memphis Market.”
  • Providing customer service to all customers in a professional and courteous manner.
  • May our actions and words honor God.

I am not particularly pious but I don’t remember reading anything about conquering the Memphis snack food market anywhere in the Old Testament. Maybe it’s a Mormon thing.

But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Popcorn is all about resurrection. Dead, dry kernels pop to life anew after just a few minutes in the microwave. Lazarus returned after three days. My microwave does a bag of Jiffy Pop in 2:22. The score: Technology 1, Religion 0.

So I’ll finish my bag of Brim’s Premium Butter Flavor Popcorn in honor of Jesus Christ, Orville Redenbacher, and Brim’s, the Holy Trinity of Popcorn.

.

 

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Imponderable #131: A Message From Above?

12 Jul

July 12, 2016

blank imponderable header

I came across a story on News of the Weird that was so ridiculous that it had them rethinking their position on what makes a story weird.

fecal cross

In a nutshell, a woman was changing her baby’s diaper and found a poop smear in the shape of a cross. And as most rational people would do, she fell to her knees, screamed “hallelujah!” and took it as a sign from God. Because where else would you find a sign from God than in a filthy diaper?

While I consider News of the Weird far more credible than the NY Daily News (their motto: please, please end it all and  put us out of our misery) I went to their source, the Huffington Post, which is more credible than the Daily News but still slightly less credible than a gossipy mollusk.

fp1

Are any of you surprised that this story comes from Florida? 

“It might not be the prettiest sign, but he put it where he knew I’d see it. Hard to miss what’s right there in front of you.” Hard to argue with logic like that. If God, in his infinite wisdom, decided to put a sign in literally any other place in the world, this woman would never have seen it. Not in the sky, on her TV, or her forehead. This is why the army routinely used to put Vietnam draft notices in used baby diapers, right? 

I’ve left out the picture because some of you might find it a little disgusting, but it really isn’t that bad. Be warned: you are about to see a slightly soiled diaper.

poop cross

Would God really send a woman a sign by putting a cross made of feces in her child’s diaper?
The question is Imponderable. But I’m pretty sure that no, God wouldn’t. 

But if he did, then this old post featuring a cross created from a man’s baldness must also be a sign.

WORLD'S WORST BALDNESS

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