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Tag Archives: imponderable

Gwyneth Paltrow Vs. Dracula

14 Oct

October 14, 2017

The horror is all about us this month. The temperature dips, the sun sets earlier, the moon rises, and Halloween nears. Werewolves stalk the woods and vampires seek their prey. It is a good thing we have a protector, a direct decedent of Professor Van Helsing.

I am of course talking about the traditional foe of the undead, Gwyneth Paltrow.

In case you missed it, noted intellectual, nuclear physicist, and Mensa member Paltrow is selling vampire repellent on her website, the accurately named goop.com.

It’s a real thing, check it out. The ingredients include such well-known anti-vampire ingredients as sound waves, moonlight, and love. Now me, if I were selling a quack vampire repellent, I’d use sunlight, not moonlight, but hey, that’s just me. The vampire repellent handed down in my family for generations includes sunlight, garlic, and pure anger.

Now to be fair to the clueless Ms. Paltrow, this is actually made to repel psychic vampires, and those are much harder to defend against than the blood-sucking types. My old Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual says they deal 1d6 points of damage + 1d6 points of damage for every two power points spent. Whatever that means.

But if you are a fan of stuff like this, no matter what your brain issue, you can also find other awesome(ly expensive and ridiculous) items on her site like an energy-cleansing aromatic mister and a rose quartz egg designed to increase sexual energy. I appreciate the fact that instructions are not included online for that item.

Whether the vampires are psychic or blood draining, it seems to me the only suckers here are the ones paying money for this stuff.

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Coming Soon… ish… ly…

20 Sep

September 20, 2017

Hello fans. The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride want all of you to know that unlike all that mail from the IRS, your letters and emails have been read and we are prepared to answer them right now. (Audit schmaudit. Let the IRS go after me. This blog is run by a shell corporation located in the Lesser Antilles.) 

We’ve got some interesting, er funny, um whatever stuff coming up soon.

We’ll catch up with yours truly Mr. Blog and discover the sad aftermath of my hiatus from Facebook. I was offline for a month and when I came back it didn’t go well. Who expected to get into an argument over whether the Earth is flat on my first night back?

Meanwhile, if you live in Colorado Springs, watch out! There’s a mad bomber on  the loose.

No, not that guy. More like this:

Plus, we’ll kick off the Halloween season with the latest salvo between Count Dracula and his arch-nemesis, Gwyneth Paltrow.

All this and, I hope, some other stuff, coming to you eventually from Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride at bmj2k.com.

 

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