Tag Archives: imponderable

Imponderable #138: One Man’s Emergency

13 Jun

June 13, 2020

As I write this, New York has yet to begin its reopening from the coronavirus. We are in the grip of riots and looting that are being committed nightly. We are also enduring the mayorship of Bill “HAHAHAHA I thought I could be President” De Blassio.

Through this people have to endure, though personal tragedy and heartbreak still occur to all of us. Take this man. This is a true story.

I was in Walgreen’s today, a pharmacy. I heard (as did everyone else in the back of the store) a man, calmly but loudly, discussing with the pharmacist a medicine he desperately needed.

“I need my prescription! This is an antifungal cream. I put it on my penis every day!”

Yeah. He said that out loud.

The pharmacist, in a much quieter, more discrete voice, explained that it was too soon to refill the prescription.

“I need it. I use a lot of it!”

How’d the guy look? Schlubby to be honest.  7 out of 10 on the schlub scale. Did he look like a man who would need antifungal penis cream? That’s for better minds than I to determine. 

Why would a man need so much antifungal penis cream?

The question Is Imponderable. 

Disgustingly, disquietingly Imponderable.

 

 

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I Went To Meat… And Beyond!

11 Nov

November 12, 2019

I was in my local Dunkin’ Donuts (or DD as they like to be called nowadays, to the ire of Daredevil fans everywhere). It was strangely derelict-free.

Dunkin’ D has joined the growing trend of fast-food restaurants that serve meat-that-isn’t-meat. Surprise! It is some sort of plant based thing, made from, I don’t know, algae? Plankton? Triffids?

Triffids. It is made from Triffids.

They’ve got a lot of nerve calling this a sausage. Anyway, I had no intention of trying one. I’m a real man. Real men eat real meat, whether it comes from a cow, coyote, or crow. That’s real eating right there. This plant-based abomination? Save it for the Bernie Sanders supporters.

But if there’s something I like as much as real meat, it’s a freebie, and this D Donuts was giving out free samples of this sandwich, little pieces of plant-based “sausage” on a little piece of bagel with a little piece of cheese. About the size of a quarter of a sandwich. So I tried it. What the heck? The worst it could do to me was give me severe stomach cramps.

If this tray was full of free arsenic sandwiches I would have taken one.

The first thing you have to know is that the color is deceptive. On the outside it is a brownish-red, but on the inside, all green. Yes, this is green on the inside. Totally unlike meat but very like something plant-based.

But how does it taste? It tastes absolutely unlike meat. Completely and totally non-meat-like. What about the consistency? Again, nothing like meat. It was like eating leaves that were pressed together. Not chewy but not falling apart. Honestly, it was OK. Just not meat.

Bottom line- would I eat it again?

It will never be my first choice, or my second choice. Not my third choice either. But if ever found myself in a situation where there was no other place to eat for miles around, and there was nothing else to eat but this, I would eat this. The taste was OK, whatever it was, with a hint of spice. Triffid never tasted so good.

 

 

 

 

 

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