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February 2022 News Roundup

6 Feb

February 6,2022

I have only one story this month, but it is very important and may save your life.

I had just finished reading a very important article about Kim Kardashian’s cellulite world peace in the New York Post mobile app (their motto: “We’ll Send You Alerts On Whatever We Want”) when I got to the end of the article, the bottom, where all the clickbait articles are, and I saw this:

Mayonnaise? Not on the list.

Good thing I did! I spit out the bite of weed killer sandwich I was about to swallow because maybe weed killer is one of the three deadliest poisons I never, ever, want to ingest. Now I may be willing to take my chances with the fourth or fifth deadliest poison (and number 10? Ha! I laugh at you, great-tasting arsenic) but the top three? Hey, momma only raised one idiot, and she tells me I’m not it, despite being an only child. I’m not messing with one through three.

But the article begs the question, which deadly poisons do I want to ingest? Are there many poisons that it is OK to ingest, or at least not bad? If I had a hankering to drink a glass of toxic snake venom, is that wrong? Should I not do that? Could I have a slice of delicious salmonella?

Well, I’m sorry, but the world may never know since I never did click on that link. I was too busy trying to find out if that’s Peter Dinklage in the Beastie Boys No Sleep Till Brooklyn video.

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Should I Be Worried About Alec Baldwin?

8 Nov

November 8, 2021

Poor Alec Baldwin. He’s “inconsolable,” he’s “hysterical,” he’s so distraught that he and his family have recently been seen house hunting and drinking expensive latte in Vermont coffee houses. His wife has been so miserable that she has been posting happy family portraits on Instagram of Alec and the kids playing in the snow.

Poor Alec! He must feel so terrible since he, you remember, recklessly killed a woman in cold blood.

Poor poor man! On that movie set, he was handed a gun, and all he did was check to see if it was loaded, no I mean handle it safely with his finger off the trigger, no that’s not right, he aimed a gun at a human being and pulled the trigger. Yeah, I think that’s what I mean.

Oh, sad Alec! I know how horrible this made you feel, and I know how upsetting this must be, and yes, this is all very traumatic for you.

Of course, there’s a dead woman whose family won’t be spending the holidays with her, but hey! Buck up, buddy!

When did Alec Baldwin become a victim and not a victimizer? He’s a Producer on that film. He is one of the people responsible for the overall safety on that set. The buck stops with him. And of course, he carelessly, recklessly, and very, very stupidly aimed the gun at another human being and pulled the trigger. On top of not checking to see if it was loaded. He broke every rule of gun safety and common sense.

But cheer up, pal! The media is rallying around you, Alec! They are printing stories of how this has affected you, of how you are never going to be the same. They are rooting for you, Alec old boy!

Hey, that dead woman will never be the same either, but don’t despair, Alec! Everyone loves you Alec Baldwin!

You goddam asshole.

Should I be worried about Alec Baldwin? Only if he has a gun in his hand.

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