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Allan Keyes Found The Best Picture Ever!

11 Feb

February 11, 2018

Hi kids! Sorry I’ve been away so long, but things are busy as ever at chez Keyes. Wife. Kids. Diapers. Poop. Not to mention the kid’s diapers and poop. OK, I’m kidding. I’m not that old, I just feel that way.

The other day I was doing research on the internet trying to figure out why I’m not one of these new bitcoin millionaires. I’ve narrowed it down to the fact that I have no idea what a bitcoin is or how to get one.

But I did find THE BEST PICTURE EVER! It appeals to EVERYONE!

TRUMP SUPPORTERS: See? He’s not a racist.
TRUMP HATERS: See? He’s a HUGE racist!
TRUE RACISTS: HA! Look at that #$*(ing &%# in the hat!
WWE FANS: That’s The Reverend Slick!

In case you don’t know who Slick is, take a look at this, his official music video, Jive Soul Bro:

 

That picture of Trump may not change your mind about him but I think we can all agree that the WWE ought to be ashamed of itself.

I’ll end with some of my patented bad Photoshop featuring my favorite foodie:

Happy Black History Month!

 

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Survivor-Man Me?

8 Feb

February 8, 2018

Let me tell you what I was wearing. Not because I think you’ll get a thrill out of it, but because it is relevant to the story.

Blue sweat pants. Brown slip-on Skechers that I say are trendy and Saarah says are not. No socks. An old, thin green worn out t-shirt that is only good for wearing around the house. A winter coat.

That’s quite an ensemble and no, I was not on my to the Queen’s Ball. I was outside throwing out the trash. It was midnight and about 25 degrees outside. (That’s degrees Fahrenheit, not that Celsius nonsense. Celsius is just a scam perpetuated by the big mercury conglomerates to make us buy new thermometers.)

Does the dude in this stock photo look cold? He just looks creepy to me.

I walked around the side of my building to where the garbage cans are and put my trash in one of the already full cans so that my bag was precariously balanced atop a mountain of who knows what. I’m pretty sure that my building’s super empties these cans once in a while, but then again, what do I know? They never seem to get any emptier. (Yet they never get any fuller either. Maybe he empties just enough to keep the status quo.)

So, mission accomplished, I was walking back around the building when there was a gust of wind and I realized just how poorly I was dressed for the weather. Good thing I was only going to be outside for a minute or two and had a warm home to go back to.

But what if I didn’t? What if I were homeless?

Dressed as I was, was I prepared to survive a night of sudden homelessness?

I was already feeling a chill in my toes and since I wasn’t wearing socks my feet weren’t particularly comfortable to begin with.  So if I was forced to spend a night outdoors, braving the elements, how would I handle it?

My first worry was about frostbite. My hands I could jam in my jacket pockets, but with no socks my toes were an obvious frostbite target. I could probably tear up my shirt and wrap my feet in the cloth, then jam them into my shoes. But then I’d be shirtless (calm down ladies). Well, I was wearing a winter coat so I could zip it all the way up. My head was bare and my jacket didn’t have a hood. Maybe I could save some of the ripped t-shirt to wrap around my head like a bandanna to protect my ears from frostbite. Nothing I could do about my legs. The wind blew right through the sweatpants.

I had to face the fact that I was barely dressed to survive the minute and a half I’d be out in the winter, there was no way I’d survive overnight.

It was one thing to toss out the trash dressed that way, but I’d have to prepare better if I were to live outside.

If I were ever really homeless, I’d somehow make my way down to Florida. It’s much easier to be homeless in the winter laying on Miami Beach than it is here on Coney Island Beach.

That’s the life!

Being homeless on the beach does have some perks.

 

 

 

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