July 19, 2016
It did not pay to get out of bed. It began with a sunburn and a ROTNAC encounter, continued with a dead car battery, and ended with me limping around due to a torn muscle in my left leg.
And I may have accidentally become a sexual predator.
It was a bad day all around.
The day began with high hopes. Saarah and I were selling some old things at a local flea market. We did the same thing last year and had a great spot in the shade of a big leafy tree. This year we were set up in a different place against a bright white wall. We started in the shade but after a couple of hours not only was the sun beating down on us, but it was reflecting off the wall behind us and we were getting it from all angles. I spent a lot of time fidgeting and trying to press as close to the wall’s diminishing shade as my belly made possible. But hey, if you’re making money, who notices a little sunshine and heat? Me.
Setting up our table, I had to go back and forth to my car through a crowd of people who were gathered at the entrance waiting for the flea market to open. Have you ever wondered who would line up for the opening of a local flea market in a churchyard next to an old trailer where most people are selling dirty rotary phones? It isn’t pretty. But it turns out there was a celebrity among them! Believe it or not, ROTNAC was there. I kid you not. (And stick around. I have a suitably weird story about him in the next part.)
Imagine this but with more boxes of old floppy disks and broken lamps.
Well, it was crowded and I had to thread my way through the people at the gate. As I was going out, I had to avoid a vendor coming in pushing a shopping cart full of used sneakers and boxless VHS tapes. (See what you missed? You could have gotten that boxless VHS copy of Short Circuit you never wanted.) Problem was, I was on the edge of a slope, where the sidewalk ramps down at an angle to the street. As I moved around the guy’s cart, I accidentally stepped off the edge, and just lost my balance so I stumbled a little to the right. Didn’t fall over, just tilted and quickly regained my balance. But there was a catch.
When I stumbled, my hand automatically shot out to try and grab something to catch myself, and it (there is no better way to say it, I swear) went right in between the buttocks of a woman in a sundress. Hard and fast. Went right up and in there. Pretty far up.
The woman let out a high pitched “OOOOHHHH!” I got my hand back fast as a flash and said the first thing that came to mind, which was “whoa! Slippery over here!” Then I kept on going like nothing happened and I wasn’t going to end up on the sex offender registry. I smiled at some random people as if to say “I’m a normal guy! Nothing to see here!” I somehow managed not to run like a scared rabbit.
On my way back I came in through another gate.
And not long after, I had an encounter with ROTNAC, who may have muttered something anti-Semetic in my ear.
TO BE CONTINUED
Sigh. There’s no picture in the world that can make this better.