Coming This Week! (And an odd return.)

24 Jul

July 24, 2016

Coming up this week is the second part of the really bad day I had. In the last post, I described some of the oddities at the local flea market. I’ll get into more detail in Part Two, leading up to my brush with death as I pushed a dead car across a busy intersection while limping with a torn muscle in my leg. But before that, you’ll read about more used sneakers than you can imagine and an anti-Semitic cantor. 

Meanwhile, over on Mr. Blog’s Official Facebook Page, (click and like! click and like!) I was asked about the old favorites Fat Guy Eating Cheeseburger and Jokeclops. “Hey Mr. Tool!” (My fans love me.) “Whatever happened to your lousy Photoshops? Where’s the fat burger dude and the stupid Greek monster?” Well, the honest truth is that it may be time to mix things up and freshen some stale ideas. So Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Jokeclops Eating Cheeseburger.

jokeclops burger

I may need to rethink this.

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This Was A Bad Day. (Part 1)

19 Jul

July 19, 2016

It did not pay to get out of bed. It began with a sunburn and a ROTNAC encounter, continued with a dead car battery, and ended with me limping around due to a torn muscle in my left leg.

And I may have accidentally become a sexual predator.

It was a bad day all around.

The day began with high hopes. Saarah and I were selling some old things at a local flea market. We did the same thing last year and had a great spot in the shade of a big leafy tree. This year we were set up in a different place against a bright white wall. We started in the shade but after a couple of hours not only was the sun beating down on us, but it was reflecting off the wall behind us and we were getting it from all angles. I spent a lot of time fidgeting and trying to press as close to the wall’s diminishing shade as my belly made possible. But hey, if you’re making money, who notices a little sunshine and heat? Me.

Setting up our table, I had to go back and forth to my car through a crowd of people who were gathered at the entrance waiting for the flea market to open. Have you ever wondered who would line up for the opening of a local flea market in a churchyard next to an old trailer where most people are selling dirty rotary phones? It isn’t pretty. But it turns out there was a celebrity among them! Believe it or not, ROTNAC was there. I kid you not. (And stick around. I have a suitably weird story about him in the next part.)

Imagine this but with more boxes of old floppy disks and broken lamps.

Imagine this but with more boxes of old floppy disks and broken lamps.

Well, it was crowded and I had to thread my way through the people at the gate. As I was going out, I had to avoid a vendor coming in pushing a shopping cart full of used sneakers and boxless VHS tapes. (See what you missed? You could have gotten that boxless VHS copy of Short Circuit you never wanted.) Problem was, I was on the edge of a slope, where the sidewalk ramps down at an angle to the street. As I moved around the guy’s cart, I accidentally stepped off the edge, and just lost my balance so I stumbled a little to the right. Didn’t fall over, just tilted and quickly regained my balance. But there was a catch.

When I stumbled, my hand automatically shot out to try and grab something to catch myself, and it (there is no better way to say it, I swear) went right in between the buttocks of a woman in a sundress. Hard and fast. Went right up and in there. Pretty far up.

Uh oh

Uh oh

The woman let out a high pitched “OOOOHHHH!” I got my hand back fast as a flash and said the first thing that came to mind, which was “whoa! Slippery over here!” Then I kept on going like nothing happened and I wasn’t going to end up on the sex offender registry. I smiled at some random people as if to say “I’m a normal guy! Nothing to see here!” I somehow managed not to run like a scared rabbit. 

On my way back I came in through another gate.

And not long after, I had an encounter with ROTNAC, who may have muttered something anti-Semetic in my ear.

TO BE CONTINUED

Sigh. There's no picture in the world that can make this better.

Sigh. There’s no picture in the world that can make this better.

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