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Mr. Blog’s Tepid Gun Permit

8 Apr

April 8, 2022

YEEE HAW and Howdy, Mr. Blog’s Bucakroos! Why is your old pal Hombre Blog talking like he’s gone plumb loco? That’s because I HAVE! YAAAAHOOOO!

You see, Mr. Blog is about to go on vacation, and not just any vacation, Mr. Blog is on his way to one of those crazy southern states where gun laws are lax and the death penalty abounds! And I have to tell you, Mr. Blog is so excited about this, he is/I am talking about Mr. Blog/myself in the third person! How zag-nutty is that???

Yes indeed, I am excited because while I am in the largely lawless South, I am going to get myself a gun permit. Yes indeed. A permit. A gun permit! Take that, lawbreakers and criminals! Screw you, first and/or fifth Amendment haters, whichever is the right to bear arms Amendment. GUN PERMIT!

What? No, no, I am not getting a gun. Are you crazy? A gun? Those things are dangerous. And to tell the truth, I stay away from them at a respectful distance, like you would an angry dog or the Pope.

But a gun permit? Oh HELL YEAH! That’ll show them I am a man not to be messed with. “Hey! You Mr. Subway Mugger-Man! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Don’t come any closer, I have a gun permit!” That’ll show him the type of man I am. I am a man licensed by the government to have a gun! I am a possibly potentially Dangerous Dan Dude. “Yeah, I got a gun permit. Want to see it? Yeah punk, John Law says I can carry heat. So STAY BACK! I COULD BE A BAD MAN!”

Walking down the street late at night, who cares? I’ll let money drip out of my pocket like a leaky hose, no one will mess with me, I have a gun permit and I very well could be packing serious heat if I damn well wanted to, which I don’t, but I could, so stay back. LOOK AT MY GUN PERMIT, SKELL! Put on your glasses, fool, there is fine print at the bottom. I am responsible enough to be allowed to carry a gun and scared of them enough not to, but you don’t know that, do you? Do you?

007 has a license, I have a permit. SAME THING. Yeah, I am totally getting a gun permit. That’ll show everyone. I am allowed to carry a gun! Stay way back! Respect my author-it-tay! I may not have a gun, but I could if I wanted to, I am allowed! PERMIT!

Yeah, total tough guy here. Gun permit. I also have a dog license. Maybe I have a Rottweiler in my pocket too, want to find out? Yeah, gun permit!*

* Please Note: Mr. Blog will not be getting a gun permit. Signed, Mr. Blog’s wife.

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February 2022 News Roundup

6 Feb

February 6,2022

I have only one story this month, but it is very important and may save your life.

I had just finished reading a very important article about Kim Kardashian’s cellulite world peace in the New York Post mobile app (their motto: “We’ll Send You Alerts On Whatever We Want”) when I got to the end of the article, the bottom, where all the clickbait articles are, and I saw this:

Mayonnaise? Not on the list.

Good thing I did! I spit out the bite of weed killer sandwich I was about to swallow because maybe weed killer is one of the three deadliest poisons I never, ever, want to ingest. Now I may be willing to take my chances with the fourth or fifth deadliest poison (and number 10? Ha! I laugh at you, great-tasting arsenic) but the top three? Hey, momma only raised one idiot, and she tells me I’m not it, despite being an only child. I’m not messing with one through three.

But the article begs the question, which deadly poisons do I want to ingest? Are there many poisons that it is OK to ingest, or at least not bad? If I had a hankering to drink a glass of toxic snake venom, is that wrong? Should I not do that? Could I have a slice of delicious salmonella?

Well, I’m sorry, but the world may never know since I never did click on that link. I was too busy trying to find out if that’s Peter Dinklage in the Beastie Boys No Sleep Till Brooklyn video.

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