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Tag Archives: Stone Cold

I Was Converted By Popcorn!

19 May

May 19, 2017

I was shopping at the Dollar Tree last week. This is a store where everything is $1 yet people consistently ask “how much is this?” when they get to the register. There are big signs all over the place and on literally every single shelf that say “EVERYTHING’S $1” but still they ask. And you wonder why I weep for humanity.

Anyway, I was in the snack aisle because there is nothing I like better than $1 cheese doodles when I spotted a display of really big bags of popcorn. The brand was Brim’s and I was disappointed to see that their motto was not “Brimming with Flavor.” C’mon, it’s so obvious!

I suspect this is not gluten free. Why else use quotation marks? Is that their motto?

I bought one and later that night (OK, on the car ride home) I ripped the bag open and the popcorn wasn’t too bad. On a scale of 1 to 10, if 10 is gourmet popcorn popped in solid platinum poppers by a master chef at the Vatican, and 1 is popcorn semi-digested by a rat and regurgitated into the gutter, Brim’s is somewhere on that scale.

So there I was later that night, munching away and enjoying the Premium Butter Flavor when I spilled some on my pants and as I munched it up swept it into the trash I noticed for the first time what they had printed on the back of the bag.

I couldn’t believe what I saw: 380 milligrams of sodium! And next to it, a bible quote: “Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!”

Sorry! Wrong quote!

Isiah 26:3 You will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.

I paused. This was a particularly holy bag of popcorn I was chowing down on. Was I worthy? Or was this sacrilege, as if I was chomping on some communion wafers while watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on my sofa. Was I consuming the buttery body of Christ? Had I just been converted? I’ve been a tried and true Pastafarian since 2008 and I’m not giving up my spaghetti strainer now.

ALL HAIL THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

So I checked things out, as I do, online (you think I got out of my chair for this?) and went to their website. It turns out the verse was not some really, really strange and odds-defying typo. The Brim’s corporation is as religious as a corporation can be.

BRIM’S MISSION STATEMENT

  • Working in harmony in a God honoring, God fearing atmosphere.
  • Manufacturing and distributing snack foods that are superior in quality and value to consumers.
  • Striving to help our distributors and customers attain their financial goals. “Brim’s Snacks becoming Number 1 in the Memphis Market.”
  • Providing customer service to all customers in a professional and courteous manner.
  • May our actions and words honor God.

I am not particularly pious but I don’t remember reading anything about conquering the Memphis snack food market anywhere in the Old Testament. Maybe it’s a Mormon thing.

But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Popcorn is all about resurrection. Dead, dry kernels pop to life anew after just a few minutes in the microwave. Lazarus returned after three days. My microwave does a bag of Jiffy Pop in 2:22. The score: Technology 1, Religion 0.

So I’ll finish my bag of Brim’s Premium Butter Flavor Popcorn in honor of Jesus Christ, Orville Redenbacher, and Brim’s, the Holy Trinity of Popcorn.

.

 

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I’m Gonna Hit You, Sucka!

26 Nov

November 26, 2012

You’d think a poster this good would have a decent movie attached, wouldn’t you? Well you’d be wrong. BADLY wrong.  This film sucks, and the less said the better. But it DOES serve as a vehicle for a semi-awkward segue….

What it did however, was put me in a mood to see some real sucker punches. This one here is the current internet champion:

1)      DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!

 “I DON’T CARE! YOU WANNA BE A MAN? I GONNA TREAT YOU LIKE A MAN!”  WOW.  Now I don’t hold with hitting women but that was some amazing uppercut. The last time you saw something like that Drago was killing Apollo Creed. Worldstarhiphop.com is a great site full of many fun videos in this vein. Highly recommended.

 

2)      EPIC FLAIL!

This was another famous one making the rounds for awhile. EPIC BEARD MAN totally whups butt here starting at 1:45. Why was that guy trying him out anyway? It was obvious that old or not, Mr. Beardman was going to be a problem for anyone stupid enough to get into it with him.   And he’s quite the celebrity. He’s been thrown out of busses, restaurants, even the Oakland A’s game.  But who’s gonna step up to him? You? I certainly won’t.

 

3)      READ THIS PALM!

Come for the policeman laying the most resounding slap you’ll ever see and stay for the hilarious commentary by Opie and Anthony, and the late Patrice O’Neal.  (Warning, mild profanity).  This represents one of the most hilarious, spontaneous takes Patrice ever had on the show.

The takeaway is that cops in other countries are not ones you want to mess around with. And when one is giving you the thousand-yard stare, you better be ready to duck.

Oh Patrice…..RIP. You’re sorely missed sir.

                      

4) McFIGHT – ROUND ONE!

You gotta be drunk to want McNuggets THAT badly. The last time I flipped out in a McDonalds at least I had a justified reason – they gave me a Quarter Pounder instead of a DOUBLE Quarter Pounder!  Unfortunately, Grimace and the Hamburgler came out and subdued me.

 

5)      McFIGHT – ROUND TWO!

This one is just low. A “grown” (physically if certainly not mentally) man swinging at a teen girl ½ his weight. On the plus side, he certainly gets the job done. On the minus side, he’s certainly not going to be served any faster now….

 

………….AND THE GREATEST SUCKER PUNCH OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…..Do I really need to comment?

 

Now because you sat through all of that, here’s an early Christmas present for you.  You’re welcome!

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