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Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines April 2017

4 Apr

April 4, 2017

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (Home of the Nearly OK Blog) would like to give a big hello! to Mr. Hector Duodenum of Decatur Georgia! Mr. Duodenum has been a loyal reader of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride since it’s inception in 2009! And although he died in 2013, his estate has yet to cancel his credit card and has not been late on a single payment of the Mr. Blog installment plan he purchased right before his death. Thanks so much, Duodenum family!

Today marks the return of a beloved feature not seen since 2015, Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines. How beloved is it? To this day, my Great Aunt Edwina still asks me if I am doing “that stupid answers thing on your stupid blog.” Well yes I am, Auntie! Thanks for your support, and good luck in that competency hearing next week.

“Why Groundhog Day is About Groundhog Day.”
Because a movie called Groundhog Day about Arbor Day would be really stupid?
By the way, if you go Newser right now you’ll see that they already changed that headline. 

To paraphrase Daffy Duck: It’s a great trick but you can only do it once. 
This brainiac made her parents proud by stopping about 20 fans in 30 seconds. And yes, she still has her tongue.
I am shocked that the world’s record was anything other than one since quite frankly, what kind of person would risk doing that twice? Or twenty times. 
With a tongue like that, I bet [INSERT YOUR OWN SEXUAL INNUENDO HERE.]

This one writes itself.
Is it any worse than what you usually find inside a can of Coke?

I wonder if they serve Coke there?
The grease is ruining his property? Imagine what it is doing to his insides. I think he may have some rot in his foundation. And his house too.

“Pudding Pops”? Is it “Pudding Pops”?

I hope it isn’t zip zop zubbidu bop. They really need to play this video at his trial. If they are going to try an insanity defense, this may do the trick

Thanks again, news media. These stories may not have been fake news, but we might have been better off if they were. 

 

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Green Lantern Vs. Yellowface

12 Dec

December 12, 2016

green-lantern-vs-yellowface

“HA HA! I’ve got you now, Green Lantern,” cackled Yellowface. “I’m yellow, my murder machine is yellow, even this whole universe is yellow! You are powerless against yellow! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!” Yellowface turned on his evil-looking murder machine and drooled with anticipation at Green Lantern’s impending doom.

Green Lantern slowly pulled off one of his bright white gloves, filled it with power ring-created rocks, and bludgeoned Yellowface into oblivion. “Powerless against yellow my butt!”

OK, that never happened, but it should have. Being powerless against yellow is and always was a stupid weakness. There are a million ways around it. Sinestro is attacking with a yellow sword? A quick burst of blue spray paint solves that problem. Didn’t Green Lantern learn anything from Batman? A utility belt with a spray can would be invaluable to him.

green-banana

Here’s one that happened not too long ago. The original Green Lantern was a member of the Justice Society. They were moving into a new base of operations and Green Lantern couldn’t help carry a crate. His ring’s weakness was wood so he was powerless to carry a heavy box. Let me repeat: the superhero was powerless to carry a heavy box. An actual paid comic book writer wrote that.

But was he powerless? No, he wasn’t. Here are just a few possibilities he should have tried:
– Lift up the section of the floor it was sitting on and float the floor wherever the crate needed to go. Lift floor, lift box. (In the comic, the floor was clearly not wood.)
– Use his ring to lift the crate by the metal nails and studs. Lift the nails and the rest of the crate goes with it.
– Coat the box with dirt or dust from the surrounding area, then use the ring to carry the box.
– Create a powerful exoskeleton, lift the box with his bare hands.

Of course, there is always the chance that Green Lantern was just feeling lazy and used the old wood weakness excuse to take a break and let Wildcat do all the work.

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