Tag Archives: Steve Austin

I Was Converted By Popcorn!

19 May

May 19, 2017

I was shopping at the Dollar Tree last week. This is a store where everything is $1 yet people consistently ask “how much is this?” when they get to the register. There are big signs all over the place and on literally every single shelf that say “EVERYTHING’S $1” but still they ask. And you wonder why I weep for humanity.

Anyway, I was in the snack aisle because there is nothing I like better than $1 cheese doodles when I spotted a display of really big bags of popcorn. The brand was Brim’s and I was disappointed to see that their motto was not “Brimming with Flavor.” C’mon, it’s so obvious!

I suspect this is not gluten free. Why else use quotation marks? Is that their motto?

I bought one and later that night (OK, on the car ride home) I ripped the bag open and the popcorn wasn’t too bad. On a scale of 1 to 10, if 10 is gourmet popcorn popped in solid platinum poppers by a master chef at the Vatican, and 1 is popcorn semi-digested by a rat and regurgitated into the gutter, Brim’s is somewhere on that scale.

So there I was later that night, munching away and enjoying the Premium Butter Flavor when I spilled some on my pants and as I munched it up swept it into the trash I noticed for the first time what they had printed on the back of the bag.

I couldn’t believe what I saw: 380 milligrams of sodium! And next to it, a bible quote: “Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!”

Sorry! Wrong quote!

Isiah 26:3 You will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.

I paused. This was a particularly holy bag of popcorn I was chowing down on. Was I worthy? Or was this sacrilege, as if I was chomping on some communion wafers while watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on my sofa. Was I consuming the buttery body of Christ? Had I just been converted? I’ve been a tried and true Pastafarian since 2008 and I’m not giving up my spaghetti strainer now.

ALL HAIL THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

So I checked things out, as I do, online (you think I got out of my chair for this?) and went to their website. It turns out the verse was not some really, really strange and odds-defying typo. The Brim’s corporation is as religious as a corporation can be.

BRIM’S MISSION STATEMENT

  • Working in harmony in a God honoring, God fearing atmosphere.
  • Manufacturing and distributing snack foods that are superior in quality and value to consumers.
  • Striving to help our distributors and customers attain their financial goals. “Brim’s Snacks becoming Number 1 in the Memphis Market.”
  • Providing customer service to all customers in a professional and courteous manner.
  • May our actions and words honor God.

I am not particularly pious but I don’t remember reading anything about conquering the Memphis snack food market anywhere in the Old Testament. Maybe it’s a Mormon thing.

But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Popcorn is all about resurrection. Dead, dry kernels pop to life anew after just a few minutes in the microwave. Lazarus returned after three days. My microwave does a bag of Jiffy Pop in 2:22. The score: Technology 1, Religion 0.

So I’ll finish my bag of Brim’s Premium Butter Flavor Popcorn in honor of Jesus Christ, Orville Redenbacher, and Brim’s, the Holy Trinity of Popcorn.

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Allan Keyes Challenges! No excuse for this, Glen A. Larson!

15 Jul

July 15, 2013

keyes

Remember the opening to the Six Million Dollar Man? CLASSIC!

We’ll get back to that in a minute.

So the producer of that classic TV show – and many others – was Glen A. Larson. But did you know that Mr. Larson had quite the interesting life and background. For example, did you know that he was a member of a singing group called the  The Four Preps? (Not to be confused with the Five Neat Guys from SCTV.)


The Four Preps were quite successful – they had multiple gold singles and three gold albums, back when a gold album was actually a legit feat and not manipulated by shady record companies.  And remember the theme to The Fall Guy? That was composed in part by Larson as well. So it’s pretty well established that Glen A. Larson has a good ear for music, knows what sounds good, and has a good idea of what resonates with the listening public.

SO CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW THIS STEAMING PILE OF SIHT CAME TO BE??


That’s real folks – that’s the original theme to the Six Million Dollar Man. And why yes – that is indeed Dusty Springfield singing that ode to…..something.

Let’s just go over just how epic fail this piece of crap is:

–          The logo. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..is that serious? I can do better, see?

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Go ahead, tell me how this is demonstrably worse!

 –          The opening to a show about a bionic man…..doesn’t show anything bionic about him. Oh yeah, he’s sort of bopping along at a fast run on the left side of the screen at one point but that could just as easily be dancing or epilepsy.  And I guess he dropkicks a dungeon door open but it’s not very clear without repeat viewings *(and rest assured, I’ve watched this obsessively since I discovered it) *If you didn’t know better, you’d think this was just the generic spy of the week show, like To Catch a Thief (also a Glen A. Larson joint, and also with dreadful opening issues – Mr. B can explain further).  It cost Six Million Dollars for Steve Austin to wear a tux and cavort with a mediocre looking blonde on a yacht? Meh. And they want me to tune into that? Double meh! If I had my way, the opening would’ve had Steve Austin punching a puma in the nuts and then beating up Sasquatch with a giant redwood. RATINGS GOLD BABY!

–          The tone of the opening is just weirdly disjointed and at odds with the subject matter. This is an astronaut who was mangled in service to our country, and is rebuilt literally sparing no expense, and all he rates is some cheesy pop riff? It’s like if your ipod went from Vangelis (Chariots of Fire) to Biz Markee.

–          The lyrics. “He’s theeeeeee man” – UGH.  And this is an immortal line: “Catch him if you can, beat him if you can, love him if you can……because he’s the man”.  *SHUDDER*

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