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Tag Archives: fatherhood

Imponderable #137: Turn In Your Man Card

3 May

May 3, 2018

A son’s school note penned by his father has gone viral. Check it out!

 

Dear Mrs. Field.

     Sean tells me that you have confiscated his sweater. He tells me that in class he conforms to the school uniform. He was absent from school on Monday because he had a cold, so traveling on Wednesday without his sweater was not too clever. 

     He told me that the jacket he wears normally is acceptable, but it was stained, therefore he could not wear it. His mother was in Cyprus last week on a break and I, unfortunately, was not able to use the washing machine. Sean was too embarrassed at having a father who cannot use a washing machine to say this.

     Anyway my point is: Isn’t this just a little bit petty? Life’s hard enough.

 

And the internet loves it! Wow! What a nice dad, he seems so sweet!

Really? Seems like a jerk to me.

First of all, his son broke the dress code and he has the nerve to accuse the teacher of being petty?

(And what young boy cares if his jacket is stained? When I was a kid you had to pry my Spider-Man t-shirt off me. It had stains from meals I only vaguely remembered eating but I still wore it because I loved it.)

Second of all, his wife was away “on a break”? She was probably on a break from her marriage based on…

Thirdly, what kind of a man can’t figure out a washing machine? OK, maybe you aren’t sure which cycle to use, but A- turn it on B- pick a setting, any setting, C- add water and detergent, D- go watch TV and drink a beer. 

This guy can’t use a washing machine and I’m sure he can’t change a burnt out fuse in the basement, fix a flat tire, bandage a wound, or anything else you’d expect a man to be able to do. This is not a man I’d trust with my life. I wouldn’t trust him not to spill his lite beer when he’s watching the WNBA.

And he had no problem writing about it! He thinks he’s funny!

His son was embarrassed at having a father who can’t use a washing machine? I’m sure there’s a lot more he can be can be embarrassed for his father about.

I’m sure his wife is on a break in Cyrus, on the beach, with another guy.

What father is proud of the fact that he can’t use a washing machine? 

The question is Imponderable.

 

.

 

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Allan Keyes: Back In Black… and brown

19 Nov

November 19, 2016

Ladies and Gentlemen, my apologies. Once again, I present Allan Keyes. (I’m out of here.)

From the Department of Don’t Blame Me:

keyes
Hey, I’m back!
Now I know, after reading that sentence, several questions come to mind:
-Where ya been?
-Who are you again?
-How quickly till you go away?

Well, I USED to post quasi-regularly here, when Mr. B would whine enough to get me off my ever-fattening ass. I USED to be someone. And now, what I am is “Daddy.” And that’s why I’ve been absent from posting. Because when you have multiple infants who feel that sleep is optional, throwing up some content for a blog – even the lazy, thoughtless stuff I churn out – may as well be trying to learn quantum physics. TIRED. Those 3am diapers won’t change themselves.

AND SPEAKING OF DIAPERS…… the other day, Baby Girl Keyes (NOTE: Not her real name) was dressed very fashionably in an outfit that featured pants covered with all of the Disney princesses.

Disney Princesses

Awww…

She was her usual self, racing around as fast as her hands and feet could carry her, yelling like a lunatic (LIKE FATHER LIKE DAUGHTER!) when she went very calm and still. Which is never a good sign with her. So, being the good father I am, I called for Wife Keyes (NOTE: Her real name) to come check her. And when that didn’t work, I paused 90-Day Fiancee (and we will talk about that show in a future post) and went to check on the kid.

Well now…turns out the kid took one of those diaper-bursting monster dumps that went all the way up her back and down her legs. But as I help her up to run her to the changing table (read: cardboard box covered in newspapers) the only thing I could really notice was all the faces of those Disney princesses were slowly turning brown.

Ewww...

Ewww…

It was hilarious – all these princesses starting to look like Archie Bunker in blackface putting on a minstrel show. (All in the Family season 6 episodes 14 and 15, Birth of The Baby parts 1 and 2. What, you thought I made that up?)

archie-1

archie-3

archie-4

fat-guy-in-whie-face-reverse-archie-with-balloon

archie-the-fat-black-rapist

blackface-bunker-disapproves

NOTE: These images are, of course, ridiculous, and if anyone is offended, just remember that this is Archie Bunker and if anyone was not a role model and didn’t deserve to emulated, it was him.

Plus, this is a post about baby poop and stains. Don’t look for political or racial discourse here.

 

 

 

 

 

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