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Seinfeld 2017

31 Jan

January 31, 2017

Wondering what George and Jerry are bickering about these days? Wonder no more. It’s…

800px-seinfeld_logo-2017George: Hey, didn’t you like my joke?
Jerry: What joke?
G: The one I texted you last night. About how Barack Obama’s dog gets the Secret Service to keep other dogs away from his fire hydrant?
J: Oh yeah, it was funny.
G: You thought it was funny?
J: Yeah, not bad, Georgie Boy.
G: (annoyed) So where was my emoji?

george-1

J: Your what?
G: You didn’t send me a smiley face. You didn’t even LOL.
J: Oh come on!
G: Yes! Yes! If it’s funny you’re supposed to send an emoji. That’s what you do. If you like something you send a thumbs up, or a smiley face. If it’s funny you write back LOL or maybe send a gif of a laughing monkey.
J: Why would I do that when I’ve got a laughing monkey right here?
G: (angry) You owe me an emoji Jerry!
J: I don’t send out emojis that easily. Your joke was barely a chuckle. It wasn’t emoji-worthy.

jerry-shrug

G: This is not how the internet works! People send all kinds of emojis. Kramer sends emojis all the time!
J: Oh, Kramer! He doesn’t know an LOL from an ROTFL!
G: You owe me an emoji Jerry!
J: And you owe me $235 for my drone you crashed last week trying to see the Giants for free.
G: (contrite) Let’s call it even.

george-costanza-jerry-seinfeld

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My Review of The New Celebrity Apprentice 2017 with Ahhnold

4 Jan

January 4, 2017

5834b68573af0-image

What’s the deal with the horse?

My review of the New Celebrity Apprentice with Arnold Schwarzenegger:

It stinks.

Good night everybody! You’ve been great!

mic-drop

This season Arnold Schwarzenegger (you try typing that) has taken over as boss. Donald Trump was unavailable for some reason. 

OK, let’s be real. The show does totally stink, but this year it can’t be solely blamed on the horrible contestants, whom I’ll get to in a minute. The blame has to land squarely on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bulky shoulders. He’s terrible. Awful. Not funny, not intimidating, just boring. I have a lot more fun at home doing a bad Arnold impression in my living room. (Imagine this in an Arnold voice.) “Now is the time for you to tell who is the one I should fire now or I will ram my fist into your stomach!” “Women’s team, I am going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately! Who’s your daddy, and what does he do?” 

In fact, just by using this Arnold soundboard you can create a better boardroom experience all by yourself.: https://celebdial.com/c/arnold-schwarzenegger Try it! It’s a blast.

I should also note that Arnold (“in here you call me ‘Governor'”)  is accompanied by his nephew, Petey, I think, who has an accent that’s almost but not quite as funny as his uncle’s.

Meanwhile, instead of picking a catchphrase (“you’re fired” having been taken) and sticking with it, he used at least three in the opening double episode. “You’re terminated”, “get to the chopper”, and “hasta la vista, baby.” I’m waiting for week 13 when he’s run of out good ones and is stuck with something from Hercules Goes Bananas

Meanwhile, who are the celebrities? 
I don’t know. I can identify a few of them, and a couple might even qualify as celebrities, but seriously? I’ll let you decide for yourself.

Jon Lovitz. Perhaps the biggest name in the cast. Let that sink in. Personally, I liked him on SNL. Loved him as Satan.

lovitz-satan

Kyle Richards. Thought she was a dude with that name. She’s a Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other.
Chael Sonnen. A mixed martial arts guy. I don’t think he said a word in the entire show last night. 
Boy George and Vince Neil. Vince drinks. George does not. HILARITY ENSUES! (NOTE: Hilarity does not ensue.)
Laila Ali: Muhammad Ali’s daughter. Also allegedly a TV host. Have you seen her hosting something?
Snooki. She is surprisingly low-key and sober.

snookie-arrest

And by the way, congratulations to Snooki for the weight loss, but I think she looked better before.
Ricky Williams, Eric Dickerson, and Lisa Leslie. Athletes. Lisa Leslie was in the WNBA. (Not making a joke, just an observation.)
Carson Kressley. Used to be one of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. I liked him on the show last night, and he seems to be doing a pro job. But at the end of the day, what is he known for? What did he do to be famous? He’s famous for being gay, which seems really unfair to all the other gay folks out there.
Porsha Williams. Another Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other, but a different place than the other one.
Carrie Keagan. Who? Doesn’t matter, she was first to go.
Carnie Wilson. Once known for being in Wilson Phillips, now known for her seesaw weight. Doesn’t matter, she was next to go.
Matt Iseman. Another one I never heard of before. He hosts American Ninja Warrior, which would be a feather in any child’s cap. So far I like him.
Brooke Burke-Charvet. She was a bigger name when she was just Brooke Burke. Big name on the E! Channel, which means she’s a star on a cable channel most people neither watch nor want.

Meanwhile, I’ll give Arnold the last word: “Get your ass to Mars!” (Total Recall, and soon to be a catchphrase.)

 

 

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