January 4, 2017
What’s the deal with the horse?
My review of the New Celebrity Apprentice with Arnold Schwarzenegger:
It stinks.
Good night everybody! You’ve been great!
This season Arnold Schwarzenegger (you try typing that) has taken over as boss. Donald Trump was unavailable for some reason.
OK, let’s be real. The show does totally stink, but this year it can’t be solely blamed on the horrible contestants, whom I’ll get to in a minute. The blame has to land squarely on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bulky shoulders. He’s terrible. Awful. Not funny, not intimidating, just boring. I have a lot more fun at home doing a bad Arnold impression in my living room. (Imagine this in an Arnold voice.) “Now is the time for you to tell who is the one I should fire now or I will ram my fist into your stomach!” “Women’s team, I am going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately! Who’s your daddy, and what does he do?”
In fact, just by using this Arnold soundboard you can create a better boardroom experience all by yourself.: https://celebdial.com/c/arnold-schwarzenegger Try it! It’s a blast.
I should also note that Arnold (“in here you call me ‘Governor'”) is accompanied by his nephew, Petey, I think, who has an accent that’s almost but not quite as funny as his uncle’s.
Meanwhile, instead of picking a catchphrase (“you’re fired” having been taken) and sticking with it, he used at least three in the opening double episode. “You’re terminated”, “get to the chopper”, and “hasta la vista, baby.” I’m waiting for week 13 when he’s run of out good ones and is stuck with something from Hercules Goes Bananas.
Meanwhile, who are the celebrities?
I don’t know. I can identify a few of them, and a couple might even qualify as celebrities, but seriously? I’ll let you decide for yourself.
Jon Lovitz. Perhaps the biggest name in the cast. Let that sink in. Personally, I liked him on SNL. Loved him as Satan.
Kyle Richards. Thought she was a dude with that name. She’s a Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other.
Chael Sonnen. A mixed martial arts guy. I don’t think he said a word in the entire show last night.
Boy George and Vince Neil. Vince drinks. George does not. HILARITY ENSUES! (NOTE: Hilarity does not ensue.)
Laila Ali: Muhammad Ali’s daughter. Also allegedly a TV host. Have you seen her hosting something?
Snooki. She is surprisingly low-key and sober.
And by the way, congratulations to Snooki for the weight loss, but I think she looked better before.
Ricky Williams, Eric Dickerson, and Lisa Leslie. Athletes. Lisa Leslie was in the WNBA. (Not making a joke, just an observation.)
Carson Kressley. Used to be one of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. I liked him on the show last night, and he seems to be doing a pro job. But at the end of the day, what is he known for? What did he do to be famous? He’s famous for being gay, which seems really unfair to all the other gay folks out there.
Porsha Williams. Another Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other, but a different place than the other one.
Carrie Keagan. Who? Doesn’t matter, she was first to go.
Carnie Wilson. Once known for being in Wilson Phillips, now known for her seesaw weight. Doesn’t matter, she was next to go.
Matt Iseman. Another one I never heard of before. He hosts American Ninja Warrior, which would be a feather in any child’s cap. So far I like him.
Brooke Burke-Charvet. She was a bigger name when she was just Brooke Burke. Big name on the E! Channel, which means she’s a star on a cable channel most people neither watch nor want.
Meanwhile, I’ll give Arnold the last word: “Get your ass to Mars!” (Total Recall, and soon to be a catchphrase.)
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
In Honor of the Great State of Virginia
9 FebFebruary 10, 2019
It seems like the state of Virginia is in a state of chaos nowadays.
First, Governor Ralph Northam was found to have posed in blackface in his med school yearbook.
Next, his Lt. Governor, Justin Fairfax, has been accused of sexual assault and rape.
Then, Attorney General Mark Herring, third in line for Governor, admitted that he too had appeared in blackface at a party in the 80’s.
WTF is up with Virginia Democrats?
Allan Keyes was way ahead of the curve. In this post from 2016, Allan takes us back to a time when Archie Bunker appeared in blackface. And as big a racist as he was, even Archie Bunker was embarrassed to wear blackface.
Thus proving that Virginia Democrats are bigger racists than Archie Bunker. QED.
From November 19, 2016
Hey, I’m back!
Now I know, after reading that sentence, several questions come to mind:
-Where ya been?
-Who are you again?
-How quickly till you go away?
Anyway, the other day, Baby Girl Keyes (NOTE: Not her real name) was dressed very fashionably in an outfit that featured pants covered with all of the Disney princesses.
Awww…
She was her usual self, racing around as fast as her hands and feet could carry her, yelling like a lunatic (LIKE FATHER LIKE DAUGHTER!) when she went very calm and still. Which is never a good sign with her. Well now…turns out the kid took one of those diaper-bursting monster dumps that went all the way up her back and down her legs. But as I help her up to run her to the changing table (read: cardboard box covered in newspapers) the only thing I could really notice was all the faces of those Disney princesses were slowly turning brown.
Ewww…
It was hilarious – all these princesses starting to look like Archie Bunker in blackface putting on a minstrel show. (All in the Family season 6 episodes 14 and 15, Birth of The Baby parts 1 and 2. What, you thought I made that up?) In that episode, his friends at the lodge decided that it would be a great! Really Great! Idea to put on a mistral show.
Archie Bunker, noted racist, archenemy of George Jefferson, he who thought George Washington Carver was our first President’s butcher, even HE knew that putting on a minstrel show and wearing blackface was a bad idea. He was forced to do it or get kicked out of the lodge. And of course, this was the very night that his daughter went into labor so he showed up in the hospital painted and wearing a ridiculous sparkly suit even the Temptations wouldn’t wear.
NOTE: These images are, of course, ridiculous, and if anyone is offended, just remember that this is Archie Bunker and if anyone was not a role model and didn’t deserve to emulated, it was him.
Plus, this is a post about baby poop and stains. Don’t look for political or racial discourse here.
But if you do, here’s your takeaway: Archie Bunker is now qualified to be Governor of Virginia.
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