November 19, 2016
Ladies and Gentlemen, my apologies. Once again, I present Allan Keyes. (I’m out of here.)
From the Department of Don’t Blame Me:
Well, I USED to post quasi-regularly here, when Mr. B would whine enough to get me off my ever-fattening ass. I USED to be someone. And now, what I am is “Daddy.” And that’s why I’ve been absent from posting. Because when you have multiple infants who feel that sleep is optional, throwing up some content for a blog – even the lazy, thoughtless stuff I churn out – may as well be trying to learn quantum physics. TIRED. Those 3am diapers won’t change themselves.
AND SPEAKING OF DIAPERS…… the other day, Baby Girl Keyes (NOTE: Not her real name) was dressed very fashionably in an outfit that featured pants covered with all of the Disney princesses.
She was her usual self, racing around as fast as her hands and feet could carry her, yelling like a lunatic (LIKE FATHER LIKE DAUGHTER!) when she went very calm and still. Which is never a good sign with her. So, being the good father I am, I called for Wife Keyes (NOTE: Her real name) to come check her. And when that didn’t work, I paused 90-Day Fiancee (and we will talk about that show in a future post) and went to check on the kid.
Well now…turns out the kid took one of those diaper-bursting monster dumps that went all the way up her back and down her legs. But as I help her up to run her to the changing table (read: cardboard box covered in newspapers) the only thing I could really notice was all the faces of those Disney princesses were slowly turning brown.
It was hilarious – all these princesses starting to look like Archie Bunker in blackface putting on a minstrel show. (All in the Family season 6 episodes 14 and 15, Birth of The Baby parts 1 and 2. What, you thought I made that up?)
NOTE: These images are, of course, ridiculous, and if anyone is offended, just remember that this is Archie Bunker and if anyone was not a role model and didn’t deserve to emulated, it was him.
Plus, this is a post about baby poop and stains. Don’t look for political or racial discourse here.