Tag Archives: fake

American Chopper 2018: Welcome Back?

4 Mar

March 5, 2018:

 

Well. I finally got around to watching the new season of American Chopper. You can’t call it a new show, or even a return, because it is EXACTLY the same as before. It is as if absolutely nothing has changed since this show last aired six years ago, except that Mikey has trimmed his mop and is now working for Sr. I guess they made up. Senior still has his shop and yes, Monkey Boy Jason Pohl is still there. Even Rick returns to OCC in this episode, in what had to be a made-for-reality-TV moment. 

And that was always the problem with this show, and likely will still be. It seems totally fake. Nothing rings true. Teutul Sr and Jr signed contracts for a new show, so this was obviously in the works for a long time. And of course the cameras are rolling in OCC when Sr decides that, despite not working with Jr in ages, he should give him a call and ask for help. Good thing the cameras were there! And somehow, just by coincidence, Rick Petko is free to return to OCC just when Sr needs him. Good thing the cameras were rolling! And somehow, an old bike both Sr and Jr worked on together pops up in Paulie’s shop. Good thing the cameras were rolling! No, no, I’m sure nothing was set up beforehand when all parties involved signed contracts. I’m sure this was all spontaneous, right? RIGHT?

There’s not much to believe here, and unless Paulie and Senior get into shouting matches, I’m not sure what the appeal of this show is. It wore out its welcome years ago. 

Two things I did like:
1- Senior saying that business is down. Yep, so far down he’s in deep legal trouble.
2- Mikey reading the script over one of Sr and Jr’s blow ups. That added a nice touch to a clip we’ve seen a thousand times before.

The show ended with a short package of things to come this season and yes, they destroy stuff for no reason. Wow, what wild men.

 

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Gwyneth Paltrow Vs. Dracula

14 Oct

October 14, 2017

The horror is all about us this month. The temperature dips, the sun sets earlier, the moon rises, and Halloween nears. Werewolves stalk the woods and vampires seek their prey. It is a good thing we have a protector, a direct decedent of Professor Van Helsing.

I am of course talking about the traditional foe of the undead, Gwyneth Paltrow.

In case you missed it, noted intellectual, nuclear physicist, and Mensa member Paltrow is selling vampire repellent on her website, the accurately named goop.com.

It’s a real thing, check it out. The ingredients include such well-known anti-vampire ingredients as sound waves, moonlight, and love. Now me, if I were selling a quack vampire repellent, I’d use sunlight, not moonlight, but hey, that’s just me. The vampire repellent handed down in my family for generations includes sunlight, garlic, and pure anger.

Now to be fair to the clueless Ms. Paltrow, this is actually made to repel psychic vampires, and those are much harder to defend against than the blood-sucking types. My old Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual says they deal 1d6 points of damage + 1d6 points of damage for every two power points spent. Whatever that means.

But if you are a fan of stuff like this, no matter what your brain issue, you can also find other awesome(ly expensive and ridiculous) items on her site like an energy-cleansing aromatic mister and a rose quartz egg designed to increase sexual energy. I appreciate the fact that instructions are not included online for that item.

Whether the vampires are psychic or blood draining, it seems to me the only suckers here are the ones paying money for this stuff.

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