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Gwyneth Paltrow Vs. Dracula

14 Oct

October 14, 2017

The horror is all about us this month. The temperature dips, the sun sets earlier, the moon rises, and Halloween nears. Werewolves stalk the woods and vampires seek their prey. It is a good thing we have a protector, a direct decedent of Professor Van Helsing.

I am of course talking about the traditional foe of the undead, Gwyneth Paltrow.

In case you missed it, noted intellectual, nuclear physicist, and Mensa member Paltrow is selling vampire repellent on her website, the accurately named goop.com.

It’s a real thing, check it out. The ingredients include such well-known anti-vampire ingredients as sound waves, moonlight, and love. Now me, if I were selling a quack vampire repellent, I’d use sunlight, not moonlight, but hey, that’s just me. The vampire repellent handed down in my family for generations includes sunlight, garlic, and pure anger.

Now to be fair to the clueless Ms. Paltrow, this is actually made to repel psychic vampires, and those are much harder to defend against than the blood-sucking types. My old Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual says they deal 1d6 points of damage + 1d6 points of damage for every two power points spent. Whatever that means.

But if you are a fan of stuff like this, no matter what your brain issue, you can also find other awesome(ly expensive and ridiculous) items on her site like an energy-cleansing aromatic mister and a rose quartz egg designed to increase sexual energy. I appreciate the fact that instructions are not included online for that item.

Whether the vampires are psychic or blood draining, it seems to me the only suckers here are the ones paying money for this stuff.

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4 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow Vs. Dracula”

  1. bmj2k October 14, 2017 at 12:16 am #

    Just for the record, this is the second of the three posts I previewed back on September 20th. It is very probable that I am going to get all the October preview posts into publication in October. This is considered on schedule for me.

    Like

  2. T E Stazyk October 15, 2017 at 12:50 am #

    Chill Child Kid Calming Mist should be fed into the a/c systems of all malls, grocery stores, airports and airplanes. Did I miss anything?

    Liked by 1 person

    • bmj2k October 15, 2017 at 1:55 pm #

      Schools, public transportation, spread by airplane into the atmosphere of all outdoor areas…

      Like

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