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The Applicant

28 Aug

August 28, 2021

You think your problem is that your sink is backed up, but maybe all you really need is a back massage.
Garbage cans full? A relaxing bath may be in order.
Graffiti on your billboard? Aromatherapy.

My company is hiring, and we are getting a lot of candidates. Here’s a resume that really stood out:

I AM EXTENSIVELY EXPERIENCED IN PORTER, MAINTENANCE POSITIONS FOR 6 YEARS, ALSO WITH A 2 YEAR EXPERIENCE IN MASSAGE THERAPY. I HAVE WENT TO STRIVE FOR MY GPRO CERTIFICATION IN FUNDAMENTALS OF BUILDING GREEN AND OPERATION ESSENTIALS ALSO IN MY CAREER PATH ACHIEVING MY EXTENDED PROFESSIONAL MASSAGE THERAPY DIPLOMA. I HAVE WORKED GREAT WITH OTHER AND CUSTOMERS IN MY CUSTOMER SERVICE AND MY ABILITY TO BE TO BE BILINGUAL IN BOTH ENGLISH AND SPANISH I HAVE RECEIVED ACHIEVEMENTS IN MASSAGE THERAPY LIKE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH TWICE IN A ROW ALSO TWO BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE AWARDS, ALSO IN PORTER I WAS RECEIVED THE PROMOTION OF SUPERVISOR POSITION FOR MY GOOD LEADERSHIP SKILLS AND CONNECTING WITH THE WORKERS MAKING ALL JOBS WELL DONE.

I have no doubt this may be the best massaging porter out there, but we advertised for investigators.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Vs. Dracula

14 Oct

October 14, 2017

The horror is all about us this month. The temperature dips, the sun sets earlier, the moon rises, and Halloween nears. Werewolves stalk the woods and vampires seek their prey. It is a good thing we have a protector, a direct decedent of Professor Van Helsing.

I am of course talking about the traditional foe of the undead, Gwyneth Paltrow.

In case you missed it, noted intellectual, nuclear physicist, and Mensa member Paltrow is selling vampire repellent on her website, the accurately named goop.com.

It’s a real thing, check it out. The ingredients include such well-known anti-vampire ingredients as sound waves, moonlight, and love. Now me, if I were selling a quack vampire repellent, I’d use sunlight, not moonlight, but hey, that’s just me. The vampire repellent handed down in my family for generations includes sunlight, garlic, and pure anger.

Now to be fair to the clueless Ms. Paltrow, this is actually made to repel psychic vampires, and those are much harder to defend against than the blood-sucking types. My old Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual says they deal 1d6 points of damage + 1d6 points of damage for every two power points spent. Whatever that means.

But if you are a fan of stuff like this, no matter what your brain issue, you can also find other awesome(ly expensive and ridiculous) items on her site like an energy-cleansing aromatic mister and a rose quartz egg designed to increase sexual energy. I appreciate the fact that instructions are not included online for that item.

Whether the vampires are psychic or blood draining, it seems to me the only suckers here are the ones paying money for this stuff.

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