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Newsfail Quick Hits (December 2017)

4 Dec

December 4, 2017

The news media is a huge industry. Think of all the stories that appear in all the newscasts, all the websites, all the print media, etc etc etc. Not every story will make perfect sense, nor will every story be well-written or even get to the heart of the matter. Here are a few quick examples.

Let Go is like eBay, except that it doesn’t involve shipping. It is up to the parties involved to coordinate an exchange. In other words, it is a site where strangers set up meetings where one brings money and the other may or may not kill them for that money. What can possibly go wrong? I think that’s the real story here.

 

Star WARS.
The Force is from Star Wars, not Star Trek.

By now you’d think a writer working on a major New York newspaper and reporting on entertainment and media would know the difference. That’s a total fail.

 

This next one is not really a failure. In fact, this may be very clever. 

The article doesn’t mention where or how she was smuggling the baloney until the second paragraph, where it also contains the phrase “sausage smuggling,” which is probably not something you should google from work. 

By the way, she hid bologna under the floor mats of her car. I have no idea what you may have been thinking.

 

So how many times did she give birth outside the US?

 

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Gwyneth Paltrow Vs. Dracula

14 Oct

October 14, 2017

The horror is all about us this month. The temperature dips, the sun sets earlier, the moon rises, and Halloween nears. Werewolves stalk the woods and vampires seek their prey. It is a good thing we have a protector, a direct decedent of Professor Van Helsing.

I am of course talking about the traditional foe of the undead, Gwyneth Paltrow.

In case you missed it, noted intellectual, nuclear physicist, and Mensa member Paltrow is selling vampire repellent on her website, the accurately named goop.com.

It’s a real thing, check it out. The ingredients include such well-known anti-vampire ingredients as sound waves, moonlight, and love. Now me, if I were selling a quack vampire repellent, I’d use sunlight, not moonlight, but hey, that’s just me. The vampire repellent handed down in my family for generations includes sunlight, garlic, and pure anger.

Now to be fair to the clueless Ms. Paltrow, this is actually made to repel psychic vampires, and those are much harder to defend against than the blood-sucking types. My old Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual says they deal 1d6 points of damage + 1d6 points of damage for every two power points spent. Whatever that means.

But if you are a fan of stuff like this, no matter what your brain issue, you can also find other awesome(ly expensive and ridiculous) items on her site like an energy-cleansing aromatic mister and a rose quartz egg designed to increase sexual energy. I appreciate the fact that instructions are not included online for that item.

Whether the vampires are psychic or blood draining, it seems to me the only suckers here are the ones paying money for this stuff.

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