Tag Archives: Newser

Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines April 2017

4 Apr

April 4, 2017

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (Home of the Nearly OK Blog) would like to give a big hello! to Mr. Hector Duodenum of Decatur Georgia! Mr. Duodenum has been a loyal reader of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride since it’s inception in 2009! And although he died in 2013, his estate has yet to cancel his credit card and has not been late on a single payment of the Mr. Blog installment plan he purchased right before his death. Thanks so much, Duodenum family!

Today marks the return of a beloved feature not seen since 2015, Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines. How beloved is it? To this day, my Great Aunt Edwina still asks me if I am doing “that stupid answers thing on your stupid blog.” Well yes I am, Auntie! Thanks for your support, and good luck in that competency hearing next week.

“Why Groundhog Day is About Groundhog Day.”
Because a movie called Groundhog Day about Arbor Day would be really stupid?
By the way, if you go Newser right now you’ll see that they already changed that headline. 

To paraphrase Daffy Duck: It’s a great trick but you can only do it once. 
This brainiac made her parents proud by stopping about 20 fans in 30 seconds. And yes, she still has her tongue.
I am shocked that the world’s record was anything other than one since quite frankly, what kind of person would risk doing that twice? Or twenty times. 
With a tongue like that, I bet [INSERT YOUR OWN SEXUAL INNUENDO HERE.]

This one writes itself.
Is it any worse than what you usually find inside a can of Coke?

I wonder if they serve Coke there?
The grease is ruining his property? Imagine what it is doing to his insides. I think he may have some rot in his foundation. And his house too.

“Pudding Pops”? Is it “Pudding Pops”?

I hope it isn’t zip zop zubbidu bop. They really need to play this video at his trial. If they are going to try an insanity defense, this may do the trick

Thanks again, news media. These stories may not have been fake news, but we might have been better off if they were. 

 

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NewsFails July 2015

23 Jul

July 23, 2015

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

Hi. I am a lifelong New York resident who would love to attend your school or university. I think that I can write some things pretty good, and I am willing to learn how to write some other things. If you accept me to your fine school or university, I promise that I will never write anything like these things below that I am going to show you.

Thank You Very Much,
Regards
Sincerely.

Bruin Z. Othello

newserw1

“Loon lake?” This article was about a loon on a lake, if you ask me.

Look, it is pretty simple. Most cats are not seafaring cats. They do not like the water. Taking a cat on a canoe is just asking for trouble. I bet that cat turned the man to kibble and kitty litter before he was 3 feet away from the dock.

newserw2

Sorry Dina, porn does not count.

I wonder if any of the offers were for her to be in a snuff film? Not that I’m saying she’s a bad actress (OK, yeah, I’m saying it) but she wouldn’t even make a convincing dead body.

The Metro is, I think, free here in NYC. They hand it out near subway stations, yet has the best headline writer of the bunch.

newserw3

Evann Gastaldo, how do you do it? How do you keep a straight face? Even the cat in the canoe article was credited to anonymous editors and staff. Glad you’re proud of this.

“So a priest, a rabbi, and a farting drummer walk into a bar.” Got it. I just wonder what it would have cost if the window was closed? Would paramedics have been called?

newserw4

I am sure that a couple of surveillance cameras would have been far less expensive.

At times like this, I am jealous of the highly trained journalists at Newser. When I write about people pooping a warehouse it is for laughs. When they do it, they get paid. If I got paid for every article about poop I wrote I’d be a millionaire. (Wait, what does that say about my blog? Uh…)

And here we are, the highlight of the month. This article was so good that I had to run it in its entirety. Here he is, The World’s Sexiest Gorilla. And wouldn’t you know it, this story comes out of Japan. (Click to enlarge.)

newserw5

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

I think I changed my mind. I don’t want to be associated with any of this. Please send my application over to Hamburger University instead.

Thanks
Your Pal

Bruin Z. Othello

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