Tag Archives: toilet

Amos And His Last Stand

13 Aug

August 13, 2021

Before we begin what may be our last Amos adventure, an explanation is in order.

One thing I never do in this blog is lie. Everything I say happened, actually happened. I may exaggerate, I may highlight or downplay certain things, and I certainly write for comedic effect, but if I say something happened, it happened. And if I say something was said, it was said.

But for this particular blog, I am going to present, completely unaltered, and in his own, exact words, a story about Amos, by Amos, from an official report turned in on a case by Amos.

What I will present are pages 8, 9, and 10 of a ten-page report. Pages 1 – 7 and half of page 8 are irrelevant to this story, concerning a case he was working on and which I of course cannot present. The last paragraph of page 10 is also irrelevant, being specific case issues.

The background is that Amos was investigating an alleged accident where someone claims to have fallen down a flight of stairs. He was accompanied by the super of the building, whose name I have changed to Orson. Orson had been an obstacle, angry and uncooperative, even obstructing the investigation since it appeared that this accident may have also exposed a little scam Orson had going on the side. The events below happened just after the official part of the investigation had ended.

I remind you that the paragraphs below are part of the official case file of this matter, subject to subpoena and legal scrutiny at any time.

As our story begins, Amos is looking at Orson’s cell phone, trying to figure out how to email a video to the office….

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PAGE 8

I looked hard at the phone trying to see if I could do anything, but it was hard to figure out even though I’ve done plenty of email forwards as our office knows.

I then said OK, we’ll figure something out and we agreed on rescheduling his interview for another day. I then thanked him for his time, extended my hand in a handshake, and Orson left me like that for a good long while and he finally said, “we’re good.”

However, before I left, he asked if I wanted to use the bathroom which I really had to do. He then went down a corridor some 40 feet turned on the bathroom light,

PAGE 9

came back and said go ahead. I then went to the bathroom and finished doing number 1. I turned about to leave the bathroom and tripped and almost fell due to a plastic soap bottle on the bathroom floor on the side by the door. When I left the bathroom, I left the bathroom light on otherwise the corridor would be too dark to navigate.

On the way back I thought to myself not to mention this as I didn’t want to make an issue of it with Orson’s attitude. However, when I got back to the kitchen area, Orson walked past me not saying anything and went back down to the bathroom, thinking he maybe wanted to spot the bathroom light.

It turned out Orson came back with that plastic soap bottle (he must have heard me tripping) gave me a nasty look and went to the sink to rinse off the bottle. I then told him I didn’t want to make an issue of it but now told him I tripped and almost fell over that soap bottle that was on the bathroom floor.

PAGE 10

Rather than expecting an apology, Orson had the nerve to ask something smells and did I take a krap? (sic) I said definitely not, only did pee pee, flushed and that’s all. I was really taken aback!

Feeling quite upset, I felt I had the right to ask Orson friendly but firmly, is there a problem? He wouldn’t answer and said again leave. Not wanting any confrontation, I said nothing further and left! I really don’t know what Orson’s problem is, embarrassing me and insulting me like that!

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I repeat, that’s an official report.

Conveniently Inconvenient

1 May

May 1, 2021

Dear readers, Mr. and Mrs. Blog are once again looking for a place to live. For reasons I prefer to keep to myself, our old place was no longer meeting the needs of a pair of globetrotting iconoclasts such as ourselves (and our cat.)

(On a completely unrelated note, if anyone would be interested in buying a slightly singed and smoke damaged sofa, or some only partially burnt pants, drop me a note. Ha ha, I kid because it’s true.)

Well, as part of my brilliant plan to see every lousy house in Brooklyn, a plan which I pinky-swear is not at all motivated by my lack of money but only motivated by sense of ironic humor, I toured a home which, after some long thought and soul-searching, I declared was a house that people only move out of, not into.

But that’s not to say that it didn’t make me think. Below is a rough sketch of the layout of the last apartment I saw. It isn’t to scale, but it is close, and I did not exaggerate it one bit.

BEHOLD!

You are reading that correctly. The bathroom is in the kitchen, directly between the stove and the dining room table.

Now, if you spend as much time in the bathroom as I do my cat does, you can see the obvious convenience.

On the other hand, without being too graphic, there are some, um, “obvious drawbacks” to having the toilet three feet from your breakfast burrito. And speaking as someone who hosts lavish dinner parties, it can be unseemly when the Archbishop excuses himself from the Vichyssoise and the rest of the party can clearly hear his “business affairs.” Let alone smell them.

This is not the first time I have seen an apartment where the bathroom is uncomfortably close to the kitchen, but this is the first time the bathroom has actually been in the kitchen.

(Meanwhile, I have a singed loveseat to go with the burnt sofa, and there is a charred sport coat with most of the lapels still intact that matches the only partially burnt pants. I’ll toss in some waterlogged sneakers too.)

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