Tag Archives: SNL

My Review of The New Celebrity Apprentice 2017 with Ahhnold

4 Jan

January 4, 2017

5834b68573af0-image

What’s the deal with the horse?

My review of the New Celebrity Apprentice with Arnold Schwarzenegger:

It stinks.

Good night everybody! You’ve been great!

mic-drop

This season Arnold Schwarzenegger (you try typing that) has taken over as boss. Donald Trump was unavailable for some reason. 

OK, let’s be real. The show does totally stink, but this year it can’t be solely blamed on the horrible contestants, whom I’ll get to in a minute. The blame has to land squarely on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bulky shoulders. He’s terrible. Awful. Not funny, not intimidating, just boring. I have a lot more fun at home doing a bad Arnold impression in my living room. (Imagine this in an Arnold voice.) “Now is the time for you to tell who is the one I should fire now or I will ram my fist into your stomach!” “Women’s team, I am going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately! Who’s your daddy, and what does he do?” 

In fact, just by using this Arnold soundboard you can create a better boardroom experience all by yourself.: https://celebdial.com/c/arnold-schwarzenegger Try it! It’s a blast.

I should also note that Arnold (“in here you call me ‘Governor'”)  is accompanied by his nephew, Petey, I think, who has an accent that’s almost but not quite as funny as his uncle’s.

Meanwhile, instead of picking a catchphrase (“you’re fired” having been taken) and sticking with it, he used at least three in the opening double episode. “You’re terminated”, “get to the chopper”, and “hasta la vista, baby.” I’m waiting for week 13 when he’s run of out good ones and is stuck with something from Hercules Goes Bananas

Meanwhile, who are the celebrities? 
I don’t know. I can identify a few of them, and a couple might even qualify as celebrities, but seriously? I’ll let you decide for yourself.

Jon Lovitz. Perhaps the biggest name in the cast. Let that sink in. Personally, I liked him on SNL. Loved him as Satan.

lovitz-satan

Kyle Richards. Thought she was a dude with that name. She’s a Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other.
Chael Sonnen. A mixed martial arts guy. I don’t think he said a word in the entire show last night. 
Boy George and Vince Neil. Vince drinks. George does not. HILARITY ENSUES! (NOTE: Hilarity does not ensue.)
Laila Ali: Muhammad Ali’s daughter. Also allegedly a TV host. Have you seen her hosting something?
Snooki. She is surprisingly low-key and sober.

snookie-arrest

And by the way, congratulations to Snooki for the weight loss, but I think she looked better before.
Ricky Williams, Eric Dickerson, and Lisa Leslie. Athletes. Lisa Leslie was in the WNBA. (Not making a joke, just an observation.)
Carson Kressley. Used to be one of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. I liked him on the show last night, and he seems to be doing a pro job. But at the end of the day, what is he known for? What did he do to be famous? He’s famous for being gay, which seems really unfair to all the other gay folks out there.
Porsha Williams. Another Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other, but a different place than the other one.
Carrie Keagan. Who? Doesn’t matter, she was first to go.
Carnie Wilson. Once known for being in Wilson Phillips, now known for her seesaw weight. Doesn’t matter, she was next to go.
Matt Iseman. Another one I never heard of before. He hosts American Ninja Warrior, which would be a feather in any child’s cap. So far I like him.
Brooke Burke-Charvet. She was a bigger name when she was just Brooke Burke. Big name on the E! Channel, which means she’s a star on a cable channel most people neither watch nor want.

Meanwhile, I’ll give Arnold the last word: “Get your ass to Mars!” (Total Recall, and soon to be a catchphrase.)

 

 

It’s A Snuff Film!

20 May

May 20, 2016

This idea originated with my friend Marc and I way, way back. That’s why Chris Farley, who died almost 20 years ago, is in it. 

Interviewer Chop Hallipop: A typical Hollywood lightweight with a toothy grin.
Director Pierre D. Brody: First-time director, slightly pompous
Chris Farley: Rotund, stoned actor
David Hasslehoff (wearing Baywatch shorts and Knight Rider jacket): Pretty much himself

UNSEEN Dame Judi Dench
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VOICE OVER: Welcome to Movie News Now! Tonight, Lola O’Neil looks behind the scenes of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and gets some makeup tips from Leonardo. Flem Mercer is in the studio with part two of his interview with screen legend Jake Lloyd. But first, here’s Chop Hallipop sitting down with the stars and director of Killing Judi Dench, the controversial new film by Director Pierre D. Brody. Take it away Chop!

CHOP HALLIPOP: Thanks voice over! Ha ha! You’re great! (Looks into camera) Hi everyone, I’m Chop Hallipop. (Smiles) All of Hollywood is talking about the upcoming film Killing Judi Dench. We’ve got the inside scoop with the cast and director, right here in our Movie News Now! studio. Pierre D. Brody, you’re the director, producer, and writer. Is it true that this is a snuff film?

PIERRE D. BRODY: That’s right Chop. It’s a return to the good old days of filmmaking.

CHOP: For those of us who aren’t familiar, can you tell us what exactly a snuff film is?

PIERRE: Sure, Chop. A snuff film is actually a reality film, not unlike Big Brother or The Bachelor. In it, an actor gets murdered right on screen. We actually filmed the real murder of one of our cast!

CHOP: Wow, they never did that on The Bachelor!

PIERRE: I assure you, no one else would have the guts.

CHOP: (Looking at the camera, flashing his big toothy grin) One of the big mysteries surrounding this film is who actually gets killed. Pierre D. Brody, can you give us a scoop?

PIERRE: Sorry Chop, ha ha, I can’t give that away. You’ll just have to buy a ticket.

CHOP: Killing Judi Dench has a stellar, some would say killer, heh heh, cast, including Chris Farley, David Hasslehoff, and of course Dame Judi Dench. We have two of the stars right here with me on set. Chris, David, welcome to Movie News Now!

hoff

DAVID HASSLEHOFF: Thanks Chet.

CHRIS FARLEY: It’s a snuff film!

CHOP: I understand Judi Dench couldn’t be here tonight.

PIERRE: That’s right Chop. She has a prior commitment back in England and unfortunately won’t be joining us on this press tour. But she asked me to say how proud she was to be part of this production.

CHOP: David, let’s start with you. What attracted you to this film?

DAVID: Well Chet-

CHOP: Chop

DAVID: Chet, I was looking to do something I hadn’t done before. I wanted to stretch as an actor. And an onscreen real murder was too good to pass up.

CHOP: But weren’t you worried that you might end up getting killed? After all, Pierre wouldn’t reveal the victim to you until filming began.

CHRIS: It’s a snuff film!!!!!!

DAVID: Murder is something you always worry about as an actor.

PIERRE: I think that the fear of death is a powerful motivator, and it really came through onscreen. I have to give special credit to Judi. Her fear, her terror was palpable, right up till the end.

CHOP: I have to ask you again, who gets killed? Who is the victim of this snuff film?

PIERRE: I can only say that the audience won’t be disappointed.

CHOP: (Looking at the camera) Chris Farley, David Hasslehoff, and Dame Judi Dench star in Killing Judi Dench. I’d like to thank Director Pierre D. Brody, Chris Farley and David Hasslehoff for being here with me tonight. Find out who gets killed when Killing Judi Dench opens on June 18th.

 

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