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Tag Archives: Petey

My Review of The New Celebrity Apprentice 2017 with Ahhnold

4 Jan

January 4, 2017

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What’s the deal with the horse?

My review of the New Celebrity Apprentice with Arnold Schwarzenegger:

It stinks.

Good night everybody! You’ve been great!

mic-drop

This season Arnold Schwarzenegger (you try typing that) has taken over as boss. Donald Trump was unavailable for some reason. 

OK, let’s be real. The show does totally stink, but this year it can’t be solely blamed on the horrible contestants, whom I’ll get to in a minute. The blame has to land squarely on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bulky shoulders. He’s terrible. Awful. Not funny, not intimidating, just boring. I have a lot more fun at home doing a bad Arnold impression in my living room. (Imagine this in an Arnold voice.) “Now is the time for you to tell who is the one I should fire now or I will ram my fist into your stomach!” “Women’s team, I am going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately! Who’s your daddy, and what does he do?” 

In fact, just by using this Arnold soundboard you can create a better boardroom experience all by yourself.: https://celebdial.com/c/arnold-schwarzenegger Try it! It’s a blast.

I should also note that Arnold (“in here you call me ‘Governor'”)  is accompanied by his nephew, Petey, I think, who has an accent that’s almost but not quite as funny as his uncle’s.

Meanwhile, instead of picking a catchphrase (“you’re fired” having been taken) and sticking with it, he used at least three in the opening double episode. “You’re terminated”, “get to the chopper”, and “hasta la vista, baby.” I’m waiting for week 13 when he’s run of out good ones and is stuck with something from Hercules Goes Bananas

Meanwhile, who are the celebrities? 
I don’t know. I can identify a few of them, and a couple might even qualify as celebrities, but seriously? I’ll let you decide for yourself.

Jon Lovitz. Perhaps the biggest name in the cast. Let that sink in. Personally, I liked him on SNL. Loved him as Satan.

lovitz-satan

Kyle Richards. Thought she was a dude with that name. She’s a Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other.
Chael Sonnen. A mixed martial arts guy. I don’t think he said a word in the entire show last night. 
Boy George and Vince Neil. Vince drinks. George does not. HILARITY ENSUES! (NOTE: Hilarity does not ensue.)
Laila Ali: Muhammad Ali’s daughter. Also allegedly a TV host. Have you seen her hosting something?
Snooki. She is surprisingly low-key and sober.

snookie-arrest

And by the way, congratulations to Snooki for the weight loss, but I think she looked better before.
Ricky Williams, Eric Dickerson, and Lisa Leslie. Athletes. Lisa Leslie was in the WNBA. (Not making a joke, just an observation.)
Carson Kressley. Used to be one of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. I liked him on the show last night, and he seems to be doing a pro job. But at the end of the day, what is he known for? What did he do to be famous? He’s famous for being gay, which seems really unfair to all the other gay folks out there.
Porsha Williams. Another Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other, but a different place than the other one.
Carrie Keagan. Who? Doesn’t matter, she was first to go.
Carnie Wilson. Once known for being in Wilson Phillips, now known for her seesaw weight. Doesn’t matter, she was next to go.
Matt Iseman. Another one I never heard of before. He hosts American Ninja Warrior, which would be a feather in any child’s cap. So far I like him.
Brooke Burke-Charvet. She was a bigger name when she was just Brooke Burke. Big name on the E! Channel, which means she’s a star on a cable channel most people neither watch nor want.

Meanwhile, I’ll give Arnold the last word: “Get your ass to Mars!” (Total Recall, and soon to be a catchphrase.)

 

 

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American Chopper: The Last Build SERIES FINALE

3 Dec

December 3, 2012

I’ll be updating this blog every few minutes, so keep checking back.

series finale

American Chopper (Season 9)
The Last Build
In the series finale, the crews are under pressure to finish the 911, GAF and Venetian bikes. Cody goes after OCC with a revengeful prank as Chopper Live draws near. Sr and Jr find common ground in their relationship but are at odds over the new company.

This is not quite the end. There is still the 2-part build-off next week, which I will recap as usual. After that, not far down the line, I’ll do a short retrospective/recap of my coverage of the series, which I invite you all to jump in on and leave some comments.

And now, on with the show.

This week starts exactly where last week ended. (Jason: “I’m a real life industrial designer!” STILL FUNNY!)

“We had a good time with the R+D. We were able to blow stuff up.” -Senior, talking about last week’s outing to the shed shop, or whatever it was they were plugging last week.

This episode promises: Pranks, arguing, and disagreements. Hey, that’s how this show began! Anyway, Senior is frustrate that he and Paulie can’t see eye to eye on the bike. “It is starting to being back some of those old feelings… I’m at work at 7, he doesn’t come in until 11.” -Senior, and again, he said that way back in season one as well. anyway, for some strange reason, Senior keeps gathering his crew and telling them updates (“nothing is happening”) on the new business with Paulie. Why? Do they care? This has not affected them one bit, but Senior is trying to look good, like he is the victim, like he is the wounded party.

“Every business does business with a contract or agreement so we don’t have these problems.” -Senior
“I feel like I’m losing my mind.”-Paulie

They do a few minutes of the PJD build, a few minutes of the OCC build, then at 9:10 they go back to what every single viewer is dying to see- the preparations for the PJD demolition derby, where they will destroy the prank car OCC gave them last week.

And this was ALMOST IMMEDIATELY after Vinnie explained how little time they have to get the 9/11 bike done, and how fast they have to move on it. I guess Vinnie’s haterd of Senior, his refusal to work at OCC, won’t stop him from going with Cody to destroy two cars in their parking lot.

It wasn’t that impressive.
“It wasn’t the best prank.” -Senior, and he was right. It was pretty lame, despite Discovery editing it to show the same tepid crash six or seven times from about as many angles.

Paulie and Senior did one thing right. They decided to go out to dinner. The catch? No business discussed. Smart. I twent really well, just talking about whatever came to mind, and they both agree that they get along much better when business isn’t involved.

At about the midway point, the oft-ignored Venetian Bike was unveiled in Vegas. The build for this was largely ignored over the past few weeks. It was built by the OCC b-squad, and only rick went to the unveil. I said it before, the Venetian did not its money’s worth. Even Big Ass Fans got more promotion on the show.

Meanwhile, Paulie and the gang loaded up supplies and brought a truckload to Staten Island for disaster relief. I recognized the area.

The Memorial Bike was put back in shape and returned to NYC. Not to be too poetic, but there are worse ways the show could have ended.

As I write this, it is 9:47 and the American Chopper era is coming to an end. Senior is unveiling the GAF bike and there has been no indication that there will not be more shows. It seems that the decision to cancel was made without giving them the chance to do a real series finale. Of course, there are still two more shows, and two more chances to root against Senior in the build-off. While I more or less think that Paulie will win (people hate Senior and Jesse James is an ass) I would not be surprised if Fast N’ Loud won in a sort of passing the torch moment. I’m assuming they will all build bikes this time around, and as usual the vote will come down to a popularity contest.

It is now 9:51, after the break we get the last segment of OCC ever, though I would bet even money on some American Chopper specials down the road.

So how does the show end? At 9:55 Senior goes to PJD to look at the frame for the production bike, which he does not like.

“It doesn’t seem like we are good at doing business together.” -Paulie, right before they agreed to not work together for the sake of the relationship. That’s as close to a happy ending as this show could possibly give.

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