Tag Archives: Horse

My Review of The New Celebrity Apprentice 2017 with Ahhnold

4 Jan

January 4, 2017


What’s the deal with the horse?

My review of the New Celebrity Apprentice with Arnold Schwarzenegger:

It stinks.

Good night everybody! You’ve been great!


This season Arnold Schwarzenegger (you try typing that) has taken over as boss. Donald Trump was unavailable for some reason. 

OK, let’s be real. The show does totally stink, but this year it can’t be solely blamed on the horrible contestants, whom I’ll get to in a minute. The blame has to land squarely on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bulky shoulders. He’s terrible. Awful. Not funny, not intimidating, just boring. I have a lot more fun at home doing a bad Arnold impression in my living room. (Imagine this in an Arnold voice.) “Now is the time for you to tell who is the one I should fire now or I will ram my fist into your stomach!” “Women’s team, I am going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately! Who’s your daddy, and what does he do?” 

In fact, just by using this Arnold soundboard you can create a better boardroom experience all by yourself.: https://celebdial.com/c/arnold-schwarzenegger Try it! It’s a blast.

I should also note that Arnold (“in here you call me ‘Governor'”)  is accompanied by his nephew, Petey, I think, who has an accent that’s almost but not quite as funny as his uncle’s.

Meanwhile, instead of picking a catchphrase (“you’re fired” having been taken) and sticking with it, he used at least three in the opening double episode. “You’re terminated”, “get to the chopper”, and “hasta la vista, baby.” I’m waiting for week 13 when he’s run of out good ones and is stuck with something from Hercules Goes Bananas

Meanwhile, who are the celebrities? 
I don’t know. I can identify a few of them, and a couple might even qualify as celebrities, but seriously? I’ll let you decide for yourself.

Jon Lovitz. Perhaps the biggest name in the cast. Let that sink in. Personally, I liked him on SNL. Loved him as Satan.


Kyle Richards. Thought she was a dude with that name. She’s a Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other.
Chael Sonnen. A mixed martial arts guy. I don’t think he said a word in the entire show last night. 
Boy George and Vince Neil. Vince drinks. George does not. HILARITY ENSUES! (NOTE: Hilarity does not ensue.)
Laila Ali: Muhammad Ali’s daughter. Also allegedly a TV host. Have you seen her hosting something?
Snooki. She is surprisingly low-key and sober.


And by the way, congratulations to Snooki for the weight loss, but I think she looked better before.
Ricky Williams, Eric Dickerson, and Lisa Leslie. Athletes. Lisa Leslie was in the WNBA. (Not making a joke, just an observation.)
Carson Kressley. Used to be one of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. I liked him on the show last night, and he seems to be doing a pro job. But at the end of the day, what is he known for? What did he do to be famous? He’s famous for being gay, which seems really unfair to all the other gay folks out there.
Porsha Williams. Another Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other, but a different place than the other one.
Carrie Keagan. Who? Doesn’t matter, she was first to go.
Carnie Wilson. Once known for being in Wilson Phillips, now known for her seesaw weight. Doesn’t matter, she was next to go.
Matt Iseman. Another one I never heard of before. He hosts American Ninja Warrior, which would be a feather in any child’s cap. So far I like him.
Brooke Burke-Charvet. She was a bigger name when she was just Brooke Burke. Big name on the E! Channel, which means she’s a star on a cable channel most people neither watch nor want.

Meanwhile, I’ll give Arnold the last word: “Get your ass to Mars!” (Total Recall, and soon to be a catchphrase.)



The Return of I Found It on eBay!

23 Aug

August 23, 2012

I Found It on eBay was a fun feature for me to write. I wrote three posts about the strange and usually awful things people not only sold but often bought online. You can find the most recent post here, along with links to the older two.

It was fun, and I haven’t done it in a long time, so I decided it was time to dive into the deep end of the pool again, so here are some more true bargains you can bid on.

A soiled curtain for your child. Yes, of course, why wouldn’t someone buy it? It only has an unknown stain from a previous owner, I’m sure it is nothing that your child shouldn’t be exposed to. Unbelievably, it has FOUR bids. It was up to seven dollars. The shipping is seven-fifty, so this dirty piece of plastic is ours for only $14. C’mon people, buy a new curtain!

This isn’t the first horse with a broken leg I’ve found on eBay. Even better, if you go back to my old posts, you’ll find a unicorn with a broken horn, which in my book makes it a plain old horse. This particular ol’ Man ‘o War is selling for the less than princely sum of $4.99. Toss in the shipping and this can be yours for less than $15. Or, if you are like me, it will not ever be yours. Who would want this? Ok, so it comes with the leg and you can glue it back on. Is it worth it for a small horse statue? You have to buy a broken horse and glue it together to decorate your home? Have some respect for yourself, skip this auction.

Honestly, the first thing that struck me was the description. “Putz” reindeer. Why an I laughing? Google “putz” and see. Anyway, this is a wrecked paiper-mache ornament. It is far worse than the horse up above. At least that has only one broken leg. This thing looks like it came out of the wrong end of your dog. Maybe I am wrong and this is highly collectible. Maybe this is a valuable piece of papier-mache history. And maybe there is a lone nutcase out there who actually bid $5 for this disaster.

Ok what? These are just creepy. Who wants these pictures? They are just weird. Cute? Well, maybe to you but sure not to me. Adorable? I just don’t see it. At least the baby in the first picture is smiling. The second? Looks like a picture you’d see on the wall of a haunted hotel. If I knew who was buying these pictures I’d know who I was never going to strike up a conversation with.

All in all, eBay is an awesome place to shop. If you like limbless animals and kids with broken limbs, then this is the place for you.

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