Tag Archives: Terminator

My Review of The New Celebrity Apprentice 2017 with Ahhnold

4 Jan

January 4, 2017


What’s the deal with the horse?

My review of the New Celebrity Apprentice with Arnold Schwarzenegger:

It stinks.

Good night everybody! You’ve been great!


This season Arnold Schwarzenegger (you try typing that) has taken over as boss. Donald Trump was unavailable for some reason. 

OK, let’s be real. The show does totally stink, but this year it can’t be solely blamed on the horrible contestants, whom I’ll get to in a minute. The blame has to land squarely on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bulky shoulders. He’s terrible. Awful. Not funny, not intimidating, just boring. I have a lot more fun at home doing a bad Arnold impression in my living room. (Imagine this in an Arnold voice.) “Now is the time for you to tell who is the one I should fire now or I will ram my fist into your stomach!” “Women’s team, I am going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately! Who’s your daddy, and what does he do?” 

In fact, just by using this Arnold soundboard you can create a better boardroom experience all by yourself.: https://celebdial.com/c/arnold-schwarzenegger Try it! It’s a blast.

I should also note that Arnold (“in here you call me ‘Governor'”)  is accompanied by his nephew, Petey, I think, who has an accent that’s almost but not quite as funny as his uncle’s.

Meanwhile, instead of picking a catchphrase (“you’re fired” having been taken) and sticking with it, he used at least three in the opening double episode. “You’re terminated”, “get to the chopper”, and “hasta la vista, baby.” I’m waiting for week 13 when he’s run of out good ones and is stuck with something from Hercules Goes Bananas

Meanwhile, who are the celebrities? 
I don’t know. I can identify a few of them, and a couple might even qualify as celebrities, but seriously? I’ll let you decide for yourself.

Jon Lovitz. Perhaps the biggest name in the cast. Let that sink in. Personally, I liked him on SNL. Loved him as Satan.


Kyle Richards. Thought she was a dude with that name. She’s a Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other.
Chael Sonnen. A mixed martial arts guy. I don’t think he said a word in the entire show last night. 
Boy George and Vince Neil. Vince drinks. George does not. HILARITY ENSUES! (NOTE: Hilarity does not ensue.)
Laila Ali: Muhammad Ali’s daughter. Also allegedly a TV host. Have you seen her hosting something?
Snooki. She is surprisingly low-key and sober.


And by the way, congratulations to Snooki for the weight loss, but I think she looked better before.
Ricky Williams, Eric Dickerson, and Lisa Leslie. Athletes. Lisa Leslie was in the WNBA. (Not making a joke, just an observation.)
Carson Kressley. Used to be one of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. I liked him on the show last night, and he seems to be doing a pro job. But at the end of the day, what is he known for? What did he do to be famous? He’s famous for being gay, which seems really unfair to all the other gay folks out there.
Porsha Williams. Another Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other, but a different place than the other one.
Carrie Keagan. Who? Doesn’t matter, she was first to go.
Carnie Wilson. Once known for being in Wilson Phillips, now known for her seesaw weight. Doesn’t matter, she was next to go.
Matt Iseman. Another one I never heard of before. He hosts American Ninja Warrior, which would be a feather in any child’s cap. So far I like him.
Brooke Burke-Charvet. She was a bigger name when she was just Brooke Burke. Big name on the E! Channel, which means she’s a star on a cable channel most people neither watch nor want.

Meanwhile, I’ll give Arnold the last word: “Get your ass to Mars!” (Total Recall, and soon to be a catchphrase.)



Mr. Blog Goes to the Movies: Terminator Salvation

29 Mar

March 29, 2011

excerpted from May 31, 2009

I saw this one on Memorial Day when I was supposed to be cleaning out my car’s trunk. All those dead birds are getting cramped. (Ooops, there’s that Malaysian thing I’m not supposed to talk about.)  

The Terminator franchise is really easy to understand if you don’t try to understand it. In the first film, an evil computer named SkyNet decided that, in order to make the planet Earth all nice and peaceful, it should kill every human. Of course, humanity is nothing but annoying, and they refused to go along with SkyNet. But not at first. Oh sure, no one minded when SkyNet bought GM, and people cheered when SkyNet took over all the banks, and when SkyNet put tolls on every New York bridge and tunnel, raised the subway fare to $4.85, and made taxi riders share cabs with random lunatics people loved it, but when SkyNet tried to mulch 93% of Earth’s population to stop global warming, even Mayor Bloomberg thought that it was going too far. He had proposed to mulch only 35%.  

SkyNet sent a terminator back in time to kill the woman who would one day give birth to the leader of the resistance. Don’t ask me why. It is simpler if you don’t ask questions. This killer robot looked just like Arnold Schwarzenegger- and yes, I spelled that correctly. Don’t expect me to do it again. I could do a lot of governor jokes here, how he wielded his veto power, etc, but frankly that would be a lot of typing.  

To protect Sarah Conner, the resistance sent back a guy named Kyle Reese. His job was to keep her alive so she could give birth to John Conner, the resistance leader. In a wild plot twist that no one saw coming, unless you were watching the film, Kyle became John’s father. So in other words, John sent his buddy back in time for a booty call that would ensure John’s own birth. And somewhere along the line they crushed Arnold.  

In the next film, John Conner is a totally annoying kid. You really wanted him to die. In this film, SkyNet, using the brains of a fart, sent ANOTHER terminator back in time to kill him. Man, you’d think a super-intelligent hyper-computer would learn from its mistakes. So, d’uh, the resistance sends someone back in time to protect him. What’s the twist? This time, the terminator is a good guy sent to save John Conner. And yeah, it is played by Arnold again. Lots of stuff blows up and John Conner is saved.  

But things don’t go well, as the third film, with yet ANOTHER Arnold terminator sent back in time to kill John Conner, ends with the creation of SkyNet and the beginning of the end of humanity. A real upper, that film.  

This latest film has no suspense because it takes place before the first film. In other words, you know that SkyNet will win the big battle. You know that the resistance will go on. You know that John Conner won’t die. You know that John will find Kyle Reese. All of these things were revealed way back in the first film and are the objects of absolutely no suspense whatsoever. These are fixed, unchanged events.  

So what is this film about? The central questions are:
Will SkyNet win the big battle? YES
Will the resistance go on? YES
Will John Conner die? NO
Will John find Kyle Reese? YES  

At this point, I must caution you that my movie reviews may contain spoilers.  

The film was good, the special effects were good, and the action was good. All it missed was some gratuitous female nudity but you can’t have it all.  

I also saw the big movie blockbuster of the summer, Grease 2.  Hey, I saw it on cable, that counts.

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