Tag Archives: Grease

Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines April 2017

4 Apr

April 4, 2017

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (Home of the Nearly OK Blog) would like to give a big hello! to Mr. Hector Duodenum of Decatur Georgia! Mr. Duodenum has been a loyal reader of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride since it’s inception in 2009! And although he died in 2013, his estate has yet to cancel his credit card and has not been late on a single payment of the Mr. Blog installment plan he purchased right before his death. Thanks so much, Duodenum family!

Today marks the return of a beloved feature not seen since 2015, Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines. How beloved is it? To this day, my Great Aunt Edwina still asks me if I am doing “that stupid answers thing on your stupid blog.” Well yes I am, Auntie! Thanks for your support, and good luck in that competency hearing next week.

“Why Groundhog Day is About Groundhog Day.”
Because a movie called Groundhog Day about Arbor Day would be really stupid?
By the way, if you go Newser right now you’ll see that they already changed that headline. 

To paraphrase Daffy Duck: It’s a great trick but you can only do it once. 
This brainiac made her parents proud by stopping about 20 fans in 30 seconds. And yes, she still has her tongue.
I am shocked that the world’s record was anything other than one since quite frankly, what kind of person would risk doing that twice? Or twenty times. 
With a tongue like that, I bet [INSERT YOUR OWN SEXUAL INNUENDO HERE.]

This one writes itself.
Is it any worse than what you usually find inside a can of Coke?

I wonder if they serve Coke there?
The grease is ruining his property? Imagine what it is doing to his insides. I think he may have some rot in his foundation. And his house too.

“Pudding Pops”? Is it “Pudding Pops”?

I hope it isn’t zip zop zubbidu bop. They really need to play this video at his trial. If they are going to try an insanity defense, this may do the trick

Thanks again, news media. These stories may not have been fake news, but we might have been better off if they were. 

 

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Shame on You!

14 Mar

March 14, 2013

It was late last night. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was confused about some things and needed guidance. Finding no one near, I turned to the one who will always be there in times of trouble. I spoke to my personal friend and savior, Jesus.

No, god no, not Jesus Christ. I’m talking about Jesus Salvador, the guy who runs the little bodega on 18th avenue. He’s open late and I felt like some potato chips and a cherry coke. We were just tossing the bull when a couple of female behemoths trundled in. (Behemothettes?) They were probably only about 16 but they were already twice as big as me. (That would be three times as big as an average man.) In fact, they were probably about only 50% smaller than an average moose. Ever force yourself to sit through Grease? You know, the prequel to the amazing Grease 2, starring Adrien Zmed? Then you know the queasy feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t so much their size as their dress. They wore tight jeans that stopped well short of their waists (such as they were.) In the front their bellies hung over their pants. In the back was a lot of ass crack. Their tops ended a good foot before their pants began so we saw a lot of belly button hair too. They had no shame.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

In fact NO ONE has any shame anymore. Take the following episode of The People’s Court, which aired today. (BTW- I used to think that Judge Marilyn Milan was attractive until I saw her in HDTV. My god is that woman haggard! She went from MILF to ZILCH in about two seconds.  HDTV is not the worn out woman’s friend.)

Here’s the description: A night of boozing leads to a wet bed, ruined mattress, and destroyed friendship.

Here’s what happened: Two middle-aged moms went out drinking and got wasted. They went back to one mom’s home and passed out, naked, in bed together. When they awoke there was a wet stain on the mattress and the strong smell of urine. The other mom’s defense? She was taking muscle relaxers and they must have affected her bladder. However, it was no problem because the other woman raised four kids on that mattress and it was full of urine stains.

Read that again before you read the next paragraph. Get all that testimony right in the forefront of your mind.

Now continue.

The woman with the stained bed brought her eleven year-old daughter with her to court to hear all of this testimony. 

I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! THIS IS FOR REAL! (Thank you, Jesus, for great TV! [Jesus Christ this time, not Salvador from the bodega.])

The testimony got even better. It seems that one woman was, to use her words, “groping” her friend’s boss to make her boyfriend jealous. This led to a testy debate with the judge about whether “groping” was any better than “making out.” As the testimony went on, we heard about many more times that the weak bladder woman ruined beds, and testimony that her boyfriend works late and “he wets the bed all the time.”

The judge, showing the only moment of sanity from anyone in this case, sent the eleven year old daughter out of the courtroom and screamed at the mother for bringing her. “But your honor,” the mother said, “everything I say is true. She can hear the truth.” Well I say SHE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (YES! I finally got to say that!)

court-062110

She can’t take any more of this either.

See what I mean about shame? Shouldn’t these people be ashamed to be on TV? They had a choice. They could have said no, but people will be on TV for anything! Filming a reality show where whoever wears dirty diapers the longest wins a wind chime? They’ll line up around the block. A contest where women squat in barrels and have insects dumped on them? Opie and Anthony did it years ago. And what did the woman win? NOTHING! They got to be on the radio.

If more people had some shame then not only would this be a better world, but maybe I could get some more potato chips before the behemoths buy them all from Jesus.

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