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Tag Archives: groundhog day

Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines April 2017

4 Apr

April 4, 2017

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (Home of the Nearly OK Blog) would like to give a big hello! to Mr. Hector Duodenum of Decatur Georgia! Mr. Duodenum has been a loyal reader of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride since it’s inception in 2009! And although he died in 2013, his estate has yet to cancel his credit card and has not been late on a single payment of the Mr. Blog installment plan he purchased right before his death. Thanks so much, Duodenum family!

Today marks the return of a beloved feature not seen since 2015, Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines. How beloved is it? To this day, my Great Aunt Edwina still asks me if I am doing “that stupid answers thing on your stupid blog.” Well yes I am, Auntie! Thanks for your support, and good luck in that competency hearing next week.

“Why Groundhog Day is About Groundhog Day.”
Because a movie called Groundhog Day about Arbor Day would be really stupid?
By the way, if you go Newser right now you’ll see that they already changed that headline. 

To paraphrase Daffy Duck: It’s a great trick but you can only do it once. 
This brainiac made her parents proud by stopping about 20 fans in 30 seconds. And yes, she still has her tongue.
I am shocked that the world’s record was anything other than one since quite frankly, what kind of person would risk doing that twice? Or twenty times. 
With a tongue like that, I bet [INSERT YOUR OWN SEXUAL INNUENDO HERE.]

This one writes itself.
Is it any worse than what you usually find inside a can of Coke?

I wonder if they serve Coke there?
The grease is ruining his property? Imagine what it is doing to his insides. I think he may have some rot in his foundation. And his house too.

“Pudding Pops”? Is it “Pudding Pops”?

I hope it isn’t zip zop zubbidu bop. They really need to play this video at his trial. If they are going to try an insanity defense, this may do the trick

Thanks again, news media. These stories may not have been fake news, but we might have been better off if they were. 

 

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Groundhog Day

18 Nov

from February 2, 2009

Today was Groundhog Day. This may be the one holiday that Hallmark doesn’t yet have a card for, but give them some time. (“Happy Groundhog Day! May you always be covered in warm moist fur.”) On this day, the nation holds its breath as some sort of fat furry rat sticks it head out of a hole. If it sees its shadow and goes back inside, we’ll have six more weeks of winter. If it doesn’t see its shadow, it is then eligible to participate in the elimination round. If it manages to run a gauntlet of hungry cats and killer traps, the rat gets to go free and live in Brighton Beach. Think of it as The Running Man for groundhogs.

A groundhog is not actually a rat. It is some kind of burrowing animal, sort of a cross between a mole and a sea otter. The Native Americans who roamed the plains had a special name for it, ne-ha-coni-lee’a-twa. (Hey pal, I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.)

Here in the Northeast we are lucky to have two famous groundhogs, Paris Hilton and Jennifer Hudson. Ha! Just kidding. Paris Hilton is way too scrawny to be a groundhog, and Jennifer Hudson isn’t talented enough.

The one everyone knows is based in Pennsylvania, Paxitani, um Puxilasny, uh Plaxico, no, heck, let’s just call him Pete. He is world famous and, quite frankly, has a bit of a swelled head. The other one is based in Staten Island (he moved out of Brooklyn because of the high rent) and is simply known as Chuck. Yes, as in “woodchuck.” Make sense?

This year Staten Island Chuck had the good sense to bite Mayor Bloomberg. Way to go.

There is a bit of a battle this year. Pete says there will be six more weeks of winter. Chuck claims there will be an early spring. Vegas odds have Pete as a 3:1 favorite. Meteorologists world-wide are waiting with baited breath for the ruling from the WGHC. (World Groundhog Council.)

Remember, it is too soon to lay a bet on next year’s Groundhog Day.

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