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Fine Dining on the Subway

1 Jun

June 1, 2018

Ah, the subway during rush hour. The crowds, the pushing and shoving, the smells, the body odor, the homeless, the rats, the unidentifiable flecks floating in the air. Doesn’t it make you hungry?

Not me.

I really don’t know how people do it but I see it every day. Just yesterday a woman was sitting in a seat, crowded on all sides, with a series of plastic bags open on her lap and the dirty floor between her feet and from them she was taking the makings of tortillas, which she made and ate while the odor of the homeless guy across from her wafted through the air like mustard gas in World War One. 

But what is even more inconceivable to me, yet I see it more than a few times each week, is the bizarre phenomenon of people taking home pizza on the subway. 

Picture it. Rush hour. Crowds. People pressed together. And someone forces their way on the train carrying a large box that has to be held straight out and flat, taking up the room of two other people. It pokes the already crowded commuters in their backs and gets shoved and wrestled. This happens. I see it a lot. A guy gets on at Union Square in Manhattan and takes a pizza all the way home, 45 minutes, to Bay Parkway. Of course by the time he gets it home it’ll be cold, probably squashed, and it’ll have been traveling through the subway where the air has more rat particles per square inch than an actual rat. Appetizing! And worse, the part of Brooklyn he traveled to with the pizza has more pizzerias than you can shake stick at. There are a dozen within walking distance of my house, no lie. Why not wait until you get home and order a pizza? Fresh and hot! And untainted by the body odor of underground denizens.

So even assuming the pizza from Union Square is the greatest pizza in the known world, after being shaken and crushed on the train, and after getting cold in an hour of travel, and after being exposed to the foul air underground, how good is that pizza going to taste?

Is it worth it?

 

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Imponderable #137: Turn In Your Man Card

3 May

May 3, 2018

A son’s school note penned by his father has gone viral. Check it out!

 

Dear Mrs. Field.

     Sean tells me that you have confiscated his sweater. He tells me that in class he conforms to the school uniform. He was absent from school on Monday because he had a cold, so traveling on Wednesday without his sweater was not too clever. 

     He told me that the jacket he wears normally is acceptable, but it was stained, therefore he could not wear it. His mother was in Cyprus last week on a break and I, unfortunately, was not able to use the washing machine. Sean was too embarrassed at having a father who cannot use a washing machine to say this.

     Anyway my point is: Isn’t this just a little bit petty? Life’s hard enough.

 

And the internet loves it! Wow! What a nice dad, he seems so sweet!

Really? Seems like a jerk to me.

First of all, his son broke the dress code and he has the nerve to accuse the teacher of being petty?

(And what young boy cares if his jacket is stained? When I was a kid you had to pry my Spider-Man t-shirt off me. It had stains from meals I only vaguely remembered eating but I still wore it because I loved it.)

Second of all, his wife was away “on a break”? She was probably on a break from her marriage based on…

Thirdly, what kind of a man can’t figure out a washing machine? OK, maybe you aren’t sure which cycle to use, but A- turn it on B- pick a setting, any setting, C- add water and detergent, D- go watch TV and drink a beer. 

This guy can’t use a washing machine and I’m sure he can’t change a burnt out fuse in the basement, fix a flat tire, bandage a wound, or anything else you’d expect a man to be able to do. This is not a man I’d trust with my life. I wouldn’t trust him not to spill his lite beer when he’s watching the WNBA.

And he had no problem writing about it! He thinks he’s funny!

His son was embarrassed at having a father who can’t use a washing machine? I’m sure there’s a lot more he can be can be embarrassed for his father about.

I’m sure his wife is on a break in Cyrus, on the beach, with another guy.

What father is proud of the fact that he can’t use a washing machine? 

The question is Imponderable.

 

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