Tag Archives: rats

Fine Dining on the Subway

1 Jun

June 1, 2018

Ah, the subway during rush hour. The crowds, the pushing and shoving, the smells, the body odor, the homeless, the rats, the unidentifiable flecks floating in the air. Doesn’t it make you hungry?

Not me.

I really don’t know how people do it but I see it every day. Just yesterday a woman was sitting in a seat, crowded on all sides, with a series of plastic bags open on her lap and the dirty floor between her feet and from them she was taking the makings of tortillas, which she made and ate while the odor of the homeless guy across from her wafted through the air like mustard gas in World War One. 

But what is even more inconceivable to me, yet I see it more than a few times each week, is the bizarre phenomenon of people taking home pizza on the subway. 

Picture it. Rush hour. Crowds. People pressed together. And someone forces their way on the train carrying a large box that has to be held straight out and flat, taking up the room of two other people. It pokes the already crowded commuters in their backs and gets shoved and wrestled. This happens. I see it a lot. A guy gets on at Union Square in Manhattan and takes a pizza all the way home, 45 minutes, to Bay Parkway. Of course by the time he gets it home it’ll be cold, probably squashed, and it’ll have been traveling through the subway where the air has more rat particles per square inch than an actual rat. Appetizing! And worse, the part of Brooklyn he traveled to with the pizza has more pizzerias than you can shake stick at. There are a dozen within walking distance of my house, no lie. Why not wait until you get home and order a pizza? Fresh and hot! And untainted by the body odor of underground denizens.

So even assuming the pizza from Union Square is the greatest pizza in the known world, after being shaken and crushed on the train, and after getting cold in an hour of travel, and after being exposed to the foul air underground, how good is that pizza going to taste?

Is it worth it?





Imponderable #69: Nottinghamshire, England

16 Nov

November 16, 2012

This week’s Imponderable comes from a place in England called Nottinghamshire. I had heard of Nottingham, as in Sheriff of (as recounted in the famous legal battle Nottingham, Sheriff of, vs. Hood, Sir Robin of Locksley. In that pioneering case, The Sheriff was represented by the legal firm of Gisbourne, Gisbourne, and Schultz, while Robin Hood elected to represent himself.

But I digress.

Here is the Imponderable, which has nothing to do with Robin hood but has a lot to do with ferrets, possibly even vampire ferrets. Read this with someone you love.

Now I am not here to bash ferrets as pets. You want to have a pet ferret? Go for it. I have declared my views on pets very publicly and I urge you to read it. Click here. I dare you. Click here. I’ll still be here when you get back.

People keep a lot of things as pets, from younger siblings to alligators, which have been turning up in Staten Island in alarming numbers. NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO WANT ALLIGATORS AS PETS: Don’t. Just don’t.

Rats also have their supporters, and no less a distinguished thespian as Peter Church keeps pet rats.

It is just a coincidence that I have never had dinner at his house.

So I really do feel bad for this old British broad. There she was, riding home on her electric mobility when BLAMMO! (or WHAM!, whatever you like) Lugosi the Vampire Ferret attacks! Lucky for her that she had her garlic-laced cane to fight it off with.

But whatever your take on the story, it is the last sentence that cements this story’s status as an Imponderable.

“One commenter on the Sun article has accused the media of ‘making up stories just to give ferrets bad press.'” Now I am the first guy in line to say that the media is biased, in fact I was head of that class, and the media making up stories? Well duh, I’ve seen MSNBC and half of their stories are based on fevered dreams from ingesting Matin Bashir’s psychedelic tears. But stooping to making up a story about a ferret attacking a handicapped woman just to push an anti-ferret agenda?

The question is Imponderable.

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