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Tag Archives: weather

Global Warming Of The Brain

29 Sep

September 29, 2018

I had a conversation with a coworker today.

COWORKER: Wow! Did you see all that rain this morning?
ME: Uh huh.

You may already notice that I am not holding up my end of the conversation. That’s because I was clearly and obviously writing a report when this inspiring talk began.

COWORKER: I couldn’t believe it. It was coming down like cats and dogs.
ME: Yeah, it was bad.

I said that without looking up as I continued to type. I hoped she would get the hint.

COWORKER: I wonder if it is raining in North Carolina.

This gave me pause. Was she about to hop on a flight to Raleigh? I slowed my typing just a bit, looked up, and said-

ME: North Carolina?
COWORKER: You know, where they had the hurricane. Can you imagine if it rained after a hurricane. They had enough rain to last!
ME: Oh. (Back to typing.)
COWORKER: I bet it was supposed to be sunny today.
ME: Huh?
COWORKER: You know. The original plan.

No, I did not know. I am not privy to whatever plans she was speaking of. Were they classified? Were they plans made by God? Who was it that had made plans for it to be sunny today? Does Mother Nature have a file I don’t know about? And am I in it?

ME: Whose original plan?
COWORKER: Nature. Or God. Whichever one is in charge of the weather. I bet when the season began and they mapped out the weather this was supposed to be sunny. We had a lot of rain recently so I’m sure this was a going to be a sunny day.

To save us both a little time, let me explain what it took me precious minutes and even more precious brain cells to get out of her. You see, at the beginning of every season (Winter, Summer, Fall, Spring, and Autumn, in that order according to her) the weather forces are mapped out by Nature and/or God (I never pinned her down on that) for the next few months. The temperature each day is planned. Weathermen figured it all out. That’s why the Farmer’s Almanac can tell you years in advance when to plant crops. And, she said conspiratorially, there’s big money in being a weatherman.

I can get behind the idea of a Mother Nature like this.

Well, I’m an educated man. At one point I was on the track to a career in science. (That’s true. No sarcasm here.) I understand what drives weather patterns and I can tell you, unequivocally, that Mother Nature does not sit down and over tea and scones with God write out in her little black book the temperature and humidity for every day of the year.

But to her point, if today was originally penciled in by the Theoi Meteoroi to be a sunny day, why was it raining?

COWORKER: Global warming. It ruins every nice day. This was going to be a sunny day but someone gave it a shot of global warming and all the plans went to pot.

Ah. I see. But what I said was-

ME: I don’t think it works that way.
COWORKER: Sure it does. Why do you think they had that hurricane last week? Global warming keeps creating these hurricanes and pretty soon there will be nothing left on Earth except all these hurricanes we keep having and volcanoes.

Say what you want about global warming, it isn’t germane to this blog, but global warming has been blamed for making stronger hurricanes, not creating them. By a total coincidence, I came across an article just the day before which stated just that, and I brought it up online (saving my report because I never was going to go back and finish it at this rate) and showed her.

COWORKER: I don’t have time to read that.

Yes, just like I didn’t have time for this conversation.

So to recap, fairies put nuts in chocolate bars and nice weather is all mapped out in advance by Mother Earth but we get rain because “someone” injects global warming into the atmosphere without warning.

You learn something new every day.

 

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The Storm of 2017 that Wasn’t

11 Mar

March 11, 2017

FROM THE MR. BTR NETWORK NEWS, THIS IS A STORMTRACER SUPERWATCH SPECIAL ALERT!

Yup, that’s the way they handled NYC’s recent “snow storm.” They scared us so much the they even roused Mayor Boss DiBlassio into action. He canceled alternate side parking a full 24 hours before a single snowflake fell. It’s amazing what an unpopular Mayor facing reelection will do.

This was supposed to be a fairly short but moderately evil storm. It was going to come in fast, dump it’s load, and get out. (“That’s what she said!”) It was going to usher in gale-force winds and freezing temperatures. If you did not already have milk and bread you had better by golly rush out and get some since we were due for- hold on to your hat!- up to five inches of snow, meaning if you needed some milk you’d have to put on your boots first as you walked down the block to the bodega that seems to be on every corner here. So no, we weren’t expecting much snow, but we were warned of huge gusts of freezing wind, heavy, almost blinding snow, and periods of extreme icy conditions.

What we got was this:

Look closely. There’s some heavy frost on those windows.

And that was at the height of the storm. Later on it turned bright, sunny, and downright pleasant.

Normally there’s no point in making fun of inaccurate weather forecasts. It happens all the time. But what made this one special was watching the morning weathermen vainly and sadly cling to their forecasts. Mike Woods on FOX 5 in particular was lost and adrift. As the hours and hours went on with no snow, and he and all weathermen looking foolish, he desperately tried to come up with a reason- any reason at all, why his forecast still said 3 to 5 inches of snow and windy conditions at 8 am on a very dry and conspicuously snow-free morning. At one point he said that he could see snow on the radar but it must not be hitting the ground. The news anchors were ribbing him, he looked confused, and once again, the faith we don’t put in any weather forecast was justified. 

Before this debacle, the weatherheads were predicting an even worse storm on this coming Monday into Tuesday, with (they claimed) the possibility of a foot of snow. After this morning, the weathermen are walking it back with “the models are sketchy” and “we’ll have to wait and see.”

Good advice. 

 

 

 

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