Tag Archives: technology

Imponderable #129: Who is Gamma?

5 Mar

March 5, 2016

Optimum is an internet/TV/phone company that routinely gives me such lousy service that I often have to write Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride from the gas station down the street. (And it shows- the Editors.)

They are running very annoying commercials at all hours of the day touting their excellent service. Ironically, their service is so bad I can only see those commercials when I am at the home of anyone else with better internet. Or at the gas station. I get better service stealing the gas station unsecured Wi-Fi than I do at home from Optimum.

The commercial begins with very serious-seeming people working on very serious-seeming stuff in a very serious setting that looks like NASA in every film you have ever seen.

The real NASA has technology about two decades older. That's true.

The real NASA has technology about two decades older. That’s true.

How serious is this? It is so serious that these people have their fingers on the nuclear button! We’re through the looking glass, people.

gamma 0

Finally, they intone “Gamma is a go. Go for Gamma.” They turn their keys, push their buttons, and jump up and celebrate as the warheads launch towards North Korea. Finally, Kim Jung-un, it is put up or shut up time. No, no, not really.

They turn their keys, push their buttons, and jump up and celebrate as an old woman and a baby appear on their screens.

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The woman then appears to have a stroke, making faces and odd clicking sounds at the baby, who seems to take delight in the old woman’s senility. Seriously, the woman seems less like she is trying to amuse the baby and more like she is sucking a lemon seed through a straw.

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If this kid could talk he'd be calling 911.

If this kid could talk he’d be calling 911.

The voice-over comes on and asks “Did we do all that just so you could make silly faces with Gamma?” Before you can say “how the heck do I know?” the voice-over answers “yes we did.”

Ah gotcha, they developed a high-tech system so you can do whatever you want, even terrorize your grandkid. Nice. Cool. WAAAAAIT A MINUTE.

Who is this ad aimed at? “Did we do all that just so you could make silly faces with Gamma?” Listen to the commercial, he emphasizes you. He’s talking to you.
So who is Gamma? I, and everyone else, assumes that Gamma is the old woman, Gamma being a cutesy way of saying Grandma.

So the voiceover is saying “Did we do all that just so you could make silly faces with your grandmother?”

The kid. They are talking to the kid. Optimum is telling all the babies in the audience, all the babies who pay their household’s cable bills, to switch to Optimum so they can see funny faces from grandma. This commercial is directed at infants.

Did Optimum really make a commercial for the babies who pay internet bills demographic?
The question is Imponderable.

 

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Conclusion: New Year’s Eve in Brooklyn 2014/2015

12 Jan

 

January 12, 2014

At this point I realized that I could have made a fortune selling hot chocolate. I had given Saarah my hat to wear, and now not only was my head freezing but also my hands since I had no gloves. So I was forced to break into the emergency kit I keep in the trunk. I took out a stained and battered Mets cap (only in an emergency would I wear a Mets cap) and a pair of work gloves which had just under the maximum number of holes allowed so I could keep calling them gloves. One more hole and they would technically just be a bunch of loosely connected threads.

Other items in my emergency kit: Flashlight with dead batteries and a funnel.

Thus fortified, we waited until 9:15 and briskly walked back to the “party,” which was now threatening to maybe, possibly, start.

The DJ equipment was set up but the only music was coming from a CD player someone put on a chair next to the DJ equipment. The carousel had still not opened and showed no indications of opening, despite the icicle-laden folks hoping in vain to get in out of the cold. However, the tent was set up and it looked like something was happening.

And it was! Yes!

Two grumpy volunteers were handing out party favors from a pair of insanely small boxes. I was worried that even this tiny crowd may not all get favors so I checked- no other boxes stashed under the table and nothing stashed in the barricaded area with the CD player. I did a quick count- about 30 people on line, about 15 huddled and shivering near the carousel, and another 20 to 30 gathering around the music area where something was clearly and absolutely not going to happen anytime soon. But don’t worry, the volunteers were strictly rationing the party supplies. Each would-be reveler got their choice of either a party hat or a noisemaker. One only. And which one you got was not up to you, it was up whichever volunteer handed you something first. So if you brought your own party hat you may wind with another party hat despite only having one head. (And no party.)

Saarah and I each got hats, which was what we wanted. We took one last loop around the place to make sure we weren’t missing anything, and believe me, we had already had the full Coney Island party experience.

Our ball drop experience ended the same way the last one I went to did, so many years ago back in the 80’s, in the words of Bobby Brown from My Prerogative, “I made this money, you didn’t. Right Ted? We outta here.” So we left. (See Part 1)

There was a steady stream of cars leaving the parking lot with us.

Coney Island, I am very disappointed in you.

 

The End

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