Tag Archives: blogging

What have you been up to, Mr. Blog?

17 Dec Stephen J Cannell

December 17, 2015

I know, I know, I’m sorry. It has been over two weeks since my last post and while I heard the collective sigh of relief (“No new blog today? Good.”) I’ve also gotten lots of questions about my absence. They range from “Hey Mr. Blog, did you finally realize you have no talent?” to “You’re not coming back, are you? Please say no.”

Well, the truth is that I’ve been very, very busy. You see, I’ve been very caught up in some important correspondence with the federal government. Let me give you an example.

Dear Postmaster General

I think I know how to raise the money you need to cover your budget without raising the price of stamps. Why do people today use email to send messages and pay their bills electronically? It has nothing to do with ease and speed. It is all about how yucky your stamps taste. If people liked licking stamps they would use more of them. Just add some cherry flavor and watch sales soar! Kids love sugary snacks. If they start licking stamps, imagine how many they would buy. And kids wouldn’t even use them on letters, they’d lick them like candy! Just think about how you could market this. “Lick my stamps!” comes to mind.

 ————–

Dear “Mr. Blog”:

We are in receipt of your recent letter, as well as the 52 before it. This is the last time you will hear from us. Immediately cease and desist all correspondence with our office or we will be forced to take legal action

Thank You

Stephen J Cannell

And that’s not all. I’ve also joined a focus group. If you’ve ever been vaccinated against European screaming measles or West Nile Death Virus, the chances are they tested it on me. Trust me, the vaccines are perfectly safe. Most of the pustules have gone away already, and nearly all of my hair has grown back. (OK, so it hasn’t grown back in the same place, but it came back.)

But I’ve also been hired to do some professional writing. Unfortunately, I’ve had to use a pen name. Breathless Anticipation Press doesn’t think that Mr. Blog is a good name for an author of erotic science fiction. Here’s an excerpt of my upcoming eBook Lusty Space Maidens of Planet Spicy 7, under the name Thighs Mighty.

Captain Rock Longhard stood before his alien captor, Queen Insatiable of the Firm Bodice. She ran her hands across Rock Longhard’s bare chest. Glittering with sweat and panting breathlessly, she gave him an ultimatum: “Remove your pants or I will remove them for you!” Taking out her leather space whip, she said in a husky voice “Please, resist me!” Longhard licked his lips and took off his pants.

So yeah, I’ve got that going on too. Hey, I’ve got bills to pay.

But the good news is that I haven’t forgotten you, loyal readers. The four of you can rest easy that there are more blogs on the way, sometime. Maybe even before the year is through! Don’t forget, the motto of this blog is Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn, which roughly translated means “same Bat time, same Bat channel.”

 

 

 

Conclusion: New Year’s Eve in Brooklyn 2014/2015

12 Jan

 

January 12, 2014

At this point I realized that I could have made a fortune selling hot chocolate. I had given Saarah my hat to wear, and now not only was my head freezing but also my hands since I had no gloves. So I was forced to break into the emergency kit I keep in the trunk. I took out a stained and battered Mets cap (only in an emergency would I wear a Mets cap) and a pair of work gloves which had just under the maximum number of holes allowed so I could keep calling them gloves. One more hole and they would technically just be a bunch of loosely connected threads.

Other items in my emergency kit: Flashlight with dead batteries and a funnel.

Thus fortified, we waited until 9:15 and briskly walked back to the “party,” which was now threatening to maybe, possibly, start.

The DJ equipment was set up but the only music was coming from a CD player someone put on a chair next to the DJ equipment. The carousel had still not opened and showed no indications of opening, despite the icicle-laden folks hoping in vain to get in out of the cold. However, the tent was set up and it looked like something was happening.

And it was! Yes!

Two grumpy volunteers were handing out party favors from a pair of insanely small boxes. I was worried that even this tiny crowd may not all get favors so I checked- no other boxes stashed under the table and nothing stashed in the barricaded area with the CD player. I did a quick count- about 30 people on line, about 15 huddled and shivering near the carousel, and another 20 to 30 gathering around the music area where something was clearly and absolutely not going to happen anytime soon. But don’t worry, the volunteers were strictly rationing the party supplies. Each would-be reveler got their choice of either a party hat or a noisemaker. One only. And which one you got was not up to you, it was up whichever volunteer handed you something first. So if you brought your own party hat you may wind with another party hat despite only having one head. (And no party.)

Saarah and I each got hats, which was what we wanted. We took one last loop around the place to make sure we weren’t missing anything, and believe me, we had already had the full Coney Island party experience.

Our ball drop experience ended the same way the last one I went to did, so many years ago back in the 80’s, in the words of Bobby Brown from My Prerogative, “I made this money, you didn’t. Right Ted? We outta here.” So we left. (See Part 1)

There was a steady stream of cars leaving the parking lot with us.

Coney Island, I am very disappointed in you.

 

The End

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