December 27, 2016
Dear Mr. Blog:
I am throwing a big New Year’s Eve soiree and I am inviting the crème de la crème of society. Nearly the entire Wayne Rogers Junior High marching band will be there! But I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. I don’t want to be a laughingstock at my next algebra club meeting.
How is a combination of cake and ice cream to be served? On a dessert plate or in a bowl? How is it eaten? Fork or spoon? Is it ever proper to eat from a plate with a spoon?
HELP!
(Signed) Bruin Z. Othello, AKA Myron from the Block
Dear Myron
This is just the sort of letter I’d toss in the trash over to Mr. Know-It-All’s desk but he’s been locked in the men’s room since last week. However, Myron, I found a good substitute. This is an actual answer to your question from Miss Manners. Yes, she is still alive… sort of.
GENTLE READER: Have you ever tried to eat ice cream with a fork?
You needn’t. Contrary to what many people believe, Miss Manners assures you that etiquette is not out to trick you. When dessert is both textured and runny or gooey, both a spoon and a fork should be available.
It would also be too much of a challenge to have to eat cake from a bowl. The ice cream is properly placed on top of the cake, so that any melting will be absorbed before getting to the plate.
“Too much of a challenge to have to eat cake from a bowl”??? Seriously? Miss Manners’ dictionary must have a different meaning of the word “challenge” than mine does.
Is it too hard to put the cake in a bowl, plop some ice cream on top of it, and eat it all with a spoon? If you can’t eat a piece of cake with a spoon and need to break out a fork to do some heavy lifting, you are A: serving the wrong kind of cake or B: clearly doing something wrong with your life.
Myron, what kind of a person can’t figure this one out?
The question is Imponderable.
And in case anyone was wondering, that was an actual letter to Miss Manners from just last week. Sigh, I weep for the world. Somewhere in Europe there are starving kids who would eat a piece of cake with their bare hands out of a tiger’s mouth and people here worry about which utensil to use? This is why I hate people.
.
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
Allan Keyes: Back In Black… and brown
19 NovNovember 19, 2016
Ladies and Gentlemen, my apologies. Once again, I present Allan Keyes. (I’m out of here.)
From the Department of Don’t Blame Me:
Hey, I’m back!
Now I know, after reading that sentence, several questions come to mind:
-Where ya been?
-Who are you again?
-How quickly till you go away?
Well, I USED to post quasi-regularly here, when Mr. B would whine enough to get me off my ever-fattening ass. I USED to be someone. And now, what I am is “Daddy.” And that’s why I’ve been absent from posting. Because when you have multiple infants who feel that sleep is optional, throwing up some content for a blog – even the lazy, thoughtless stuff I churn out – may as well be trying to learn quantum physics. TIRED. Those 3am diapers won’t change themselves.
AND SPEAKING OF DIAPERS…… the other day, Baby Girl Keyes (NOTE: Not her real name) was dressed very fashionably in an outfit that featured pants covered with all of the Disney princesses.
Awww…
She was her usual self, racing around as fast as her hands and feet could carry her, yelling like a lunatic (LIKE FATHER LIKE DAUGHTER!) when she went very calm and still. Which is never a good sign with her. So, being the good father I am, I called for Wife Keyes (NOTE: Her real name) to come check her. And when that didn’t work, I paused 90-Day Fiancee (and we will talk about that show in a future post) and went to check on the kid.
Well now…turns out the kid took one of those diaper-bursting monster dumps that went all the way up her back and down her legs. But as I help her up to run her to the changing table (read: cardboard box covered in newspapers) the only thing I could really notice was all the faces of those Disney princesses were slowly turning brown.
Ewww…
It was hilarious – all these princesses starting to look like Archie Bunker in blackface putting on a minstrel show. (All in the Family season 6 episodes 14 and 15, Birth of The Baby parts 1 and 2. What, you thought I made that up?)
NOTE: These images are, of course, ridiculous, and if anyone is offended, just remember that this is Archie Bunker and if anyone was not a role model and didn’t deserve to emulated, it was him.
Plus, this is a post about baby poop and stains. Don’t look for political or racial discourse here.
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Tags: All in the Family, Allan Keyes, Archie Bunker, black face, blackface, Blackface Bunker, bmj2k, Disney, don't blame Mr. Blog, Fat Guy, fat guy eating cheeseburger, fatherhood, fun with teh internets, gratuitous Kardashian tag, meme, minstrel show, Mr. Blog, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Mr. BTR, no sleep, parenting, poop, princesses, racist, send all comments to Allan Keyes, sitcom, so wrong, sorry, white face, whiteface, wrong