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American Chopper: Impasse

26 Nov

November 27, 2012

Keep checking back as the show goes on for updates!

American Chopper (Season 9)
PJD’s 911 Memorial Bike is in more hot water than they thought. The pranks leading up to Chopper Live rev up and Sr. and Jr. hit a snag when the production bike discussions open old wounds.

Read that again. That description is why I am thrilled this show is being cancelled, for good I hope.) They cancelled it once before but brought it back as Sr. vs. Jr.)  The pranks leading up to Chopper Live rev up. They are building the show around the stupid, fake, and totally stupid pranks leading up to Chopper Live. From feedback I’ve seen, that is the part of the show everyone hates. They could have built a whole show around the Memorial Bike. Back in the day they did just that. Shows were- hold on to your hats- about building bikes! Pranks were secondary, not a focus of the show.  With the drama around 9/11, Hurricane Sandy, and the destruction of the Memorial Bike, there is potentially a whole month of shows. But they are wasting one of the last few episodes on pranks, pushing Jesse James and Fast N’ Loud, and  ignoring the fans. But that is the usual thing for this show.

“I’m a real-life industrial designer!” BWAH HA HA! Jason! He said that!!!!! I can’t wait to see that fool take on Junior.

But I will have to wait as the show starts with OCC building some sort of beat-up car (“more rivets!”) to make fun of Paulie ahead of the build-off. It was not funny. Compare that to Paulie, who when we first see him is building a motorcycle. You remember motorcycles, those things OCC used to build? (“It is definitely the most creative thing I’ve seen from OCC in the last three years.” – Paulie, on the OCC prank car.)

Then it cuts to Senior meeting with his attorney. I won’t belabor the point I have been making for weeks, but one scene has nothing to do with either the previous scene or the one that comes after.

Meanwhile Rick, the only sane man at OCC and Vinnie, the only sane man at PJD, got together to just talk things out, from Vinnie’s meeting with Senior to the whole production bike mess. The show aired a clip from the past, when Paulie and his father were fighting in the shop and who was doing all the work in the background? Rick and Vinnie. The two men agree on one thing- the whole project is a bad idea that is getting worse.

The 9/11 bike is very rough condition, every time they look at it they find another problem. It is going to have to be broken down, engine and all, to every single nut, bolt, and gear. Salt water is a corrosive, and if you never saw salt water damage, you would not believe what it could do. It might almost be better to make a new bike.

“Any parts that move, don’t move any more.” -Vinnie.

Paulie got a call from the Governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo. “Hi Andrew,” he said. (BTW- this was a 30 second segment sandwiched between two large commercial breaks. Sigh.) But back to my point, where was the respect? They had obviously spoken before, and I am sure that at some point the Governor said “call me Andrew” but still, no “Hello Mr. Cuomo? Hello Governor?” PJD is going to the Hurricane Sandy zone to hand out much-needed supplies.

So while PJD is working on the Memorial Bike, OCC is at a place that builds shingles, fooling around in sheds, trying to blow each other over. Was it fun? For them, sure. For the viewers? No. And it was less fun, but much more stupid, when they set off a bomb in one of the sheds. You know what else it wasn’t? Impressive.

Barely mentioned last week, either here or on the show, is the fact that the OCC B-squad, a couple of guys we never saw before, are working on a bike for the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. The new guys fit right in- they come off as goofs. The bike isn;t getting much attention and is being done on the cheap. The Venetian is not getting its money’s worth.

At 9:44 Senior went to Jason to complain about Paulie- as usual- and asked Jason to design a logo. That is bound to make Paulie angry. And can you blame him? With all the problems of the production bike- which as yet is not even designed on paper- a logo is probably on the lowest end of the spectrum. At this point who cares? Design a bike first! But this move is CLEARLY designed to anger Paulie. And that is the old Senior coming out.

It’s 9:52, the show is almost over, it must be time for that big Jason Vs. Paulie fight they teased, right? Right?
No. It is time for more commercials!
What do I always say? They leave the only good parts of the show for the last 5 minutes. You can skip the entire show but as long as you see the last few minutes you’re fine.

9:56, finally, here we go.

Paulie, Senior, and Jason had a meeting where no one could agree on what they had already agreed on. Paulie was trying to be nice to Jason, but Jason took offense at something Paulie said about not making drawings. He argued a little but backed down, as he should. He has no dog in that fight. Paulie walked out- and maybe he was wrong- but Jason was being a jerk and looking for a fight.

Best line ever? “I’m a real-life industrial designer!” Oh Jason, you are so full of yourself. We saw his process tonight- A lot of people come up with ideas, then he draws a picture. We’ve seen years of how realistic his bikes are, so case closed.

I’m Gonna Hit You, Sucka!

26 Nov

November 26, 2012

You’d think a poster this good would have a decent movie attached, wouldn’t you? Well you’d be wrong. BADLY wrong.  This film sucks, and the less said the better. But it DOES serve as a vehicle for a semi-awkward segue….

What it did however, was put me in a mood to see some real sucker punches. This one here is the current internet champion:


 “I DON’T CARE! YOU WANNA BE A MAN? I GONNA TREAT YOU LIKE A MAN!”  WOW.  Now I don’t hold with hitting women but that was some amazing uppercut. The last time you saw something like that Drago was killing Apollo Creed. is a great site full of many fun videos in this vein. Highly recommended.


2)      EPIC FLAIL!

This was another famous one making the rounds for awhile. EPIC BEARD MAN totally whups butt here starting at 1:45. Why was that guy trying him out anyway? It was obvious that old or not, Mr. Beardman was going to be a problem for anyone stupid enough to get into it with him.   And he’s quite the celebrity. He’s been thrown out of busses, restaurants, even the Oakland A’s game.  But who’s gonna step up to him? You? I certainly won’t.



Come for the policeman laying the most resounding slap you’ll ever see and stay for the hilarious commentary by Opie and Anthony, and the late Patrice O’Neal.  (Warning, mild profanity).  This represents one of the most hilarious, spontaneous takes Patrice ever had on the show.

The takeaway is that cops in other countries are not ones you want to mess around with. And when one is giving you the thousand-yard stare, you better be ready to duck.

Oh Patrice…..RIP. You’re sorely missed sir.



You gotta be drunk to want McNuggets THAT badly. The last time I flipped out in a McDonalds at least I had a justified reason – they gave me a Quarter Pounder instead of a DOUBLE Quarter Pounder!  Unfortunately, Grimace and the Hamburgler came out and subdued me.


5)      McFIGHT – ROUND TWO!

This one is just low. A “grown” (physically if certainly not mentally) man swinging at a teen girl ½ his weight. On the plus side, he certainly gets the job done. On the minus side, he’s certainly not going to be served any faster now….



…..Do I really need to comment?


Now because you sat through all of that, here’s an early Christmas present for you.  You’re welcome!

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