Tag Archives: pirates

I Answer Google’s Insane Job Interview Questions

5 Dec

December 5, 2016

Google sounds like a great place to work. But how hard is it to get a job there? Until recently, Google interviewers asked applicants a series of ridiculous and inane questions to, well, um… OK, I really have no clue what the point of these interrogations was. But here, from IFLScience, are some of the unbelievable questions Google is now banned from asking, and my answers. It is my opinion that they were never actually interested in the answers, but wanted see how fast, creative, and intelligent the applicants were.


How many golf balls can fit in a school bus?
That depends on how many I can fit in my pockets without the clerk in the pro shop catching me.

Explain the significance of “dead beef.”
That’s a mafia expression. It means that the “beef,” or dispute, is “dead,” or finished, since both guys got whacked.

How many piano tuners are there in the entire world?
Only one, but he’s the best.

You’re the captain of a pirate ship… and your crew gets to vote on how the gold is divided up. If fewer than half of the pirates agree with you, you die. How do you recommend apportioning the gold in such a way that you get a good share of the booty, but still survive?
I’d give them the bulk- 3/4 of the loot and a pep talk about how they deserve it, how hard they work, yada yada yada. They’d have to split the gold between 15 or 20 guys, and my 1/4 would still be a heck of a lot more than anyone else has.


Design an evacuation plan for San Francisco.
Get out!

You are given 2 eggs… You have access to a 100-story building. Eggs can be very hard or very fragile means it may break if dropped from the first floor or may not even break if dropped from 100th floor. Both eggs are identical. You need to figure out the highest floor of a 100-story building an egg can be dropped without breaking. The question is how many drops you need to make. You are allowed to break 2 eggs in the process.
I am sorry but I cannot answer this question since I am allergic to eggs.

How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?
$10,000 per window because I really don’t want the job. But if anyone is silly enough to hire me, I’d happily wash windows at that rate.

There are more. Now It’s your turn. How would you answer these?

Explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew.

You are shrunk to the height of a nickel… and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?

You have eight balls all of the same size… 7 of them weigh the same, and one of them weighs slightly more. How can you find the ball that is heavier by using a balance and only two weighings?

A man pushed his car to a hotel and lost his fortune. What happened?

How many times a day does a clock’s hands overlap?

You need to check that your friend, Bob, has your correct phone number…but you cannot ask him directly. You must write the question on a card which and give it to Eve who will take the card to Bob and return the answer to you. What must you write on the card, besides the question, to ensure Bob can encode the message so that Eve cannot read your phone number?

Why are manhole covers round?



A Sailor’s Life for Me! (Classic Rant Repost)

24 Jul

July 24, 2012

This one goes all the way back to 2006. And you know what? Nothing has changed since then.

from September 23, 2006

I’ve always been drawn to the sea. Even as a child, I had sea-water in my veins. This caused a big problem when I was born. I required a series of very dangerous transfusions to replace all that sea-water with actual blood. But I digress.

My family has a strong naval heritage. While Admiral Bradford Jacobson (1898-1953) may be the most prominent member of the Jacobson naval fraternity, he was by no means the first. The first documented sailor Jacobson was Bryce Jacobson, from Scotland in the 15th century. Trust me- it was not easy being a Scottish Jew. Haggis is not kosher, and that’s all anybody ate around there- haggis omelets for breakfast. Haggis on rye for lunch. Haggis fermented into a sort of rum for dinner. It was a real drag. Great-grandpa Bryce enlisted in the navy with the intent of jumping ship in a kosher country. Not finding one, he stayed on board for the next twenty years and eventually died of scurvy.

I have always had an affinity for the ocean. In my room at work I have nautical prints hung and at home a portrait of Lord Nelson hangs above my bed. I learned to swim in the Long Island Sound and the radioactive glow did little to diminish my love of the open water. As a youth, I first went fishing for fluke and then advanced to blues and, later, marlin, by age ten. So it has been a long, deliberate process which has brought me to this decision: I want to be a pirate.

That’s right. A pirate.

“Arrr me mateys! Avast there!” See? I have all the lingo down. Pirates do exist. In Indonesian and Asian waters there exists today a serious problem with piracy that costs the oil industry millions of dollars each year. That is not what I mean. I want to be an eye-patch wearing, stripped shirt sporting, walk-the-plank dude. Why not? Pirates don’t punch in at nine, go home at five. They’re pirates 24/7. Wake up, hang someone from the yardarm. Breakfast, then forty lashes for the cook. Lunch, then spot a Spanish galleon of the port bow, unfurl all sails, prepare the cannons. Dinner, then a cutlass duel and a drink till dawn. Plenty of lusty wenches, lots of treasure to bury, nothing but the open waves and the smell of freedom in the air. No boss to report to. Someone has beef with you, shoot them in the back. Go where you want, do what you want, take what you want. You can be as obnoxious as you want to and offend anyone you want.

Pirates remain the last group that is not politically correct. To be a pirate is to BE someone. To be respected. Walk tall, oh men of the ocean! For you are the last true free men. And that is what I aspire to be.

%d bloggers like this: