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Mr. Blog’s Party Advice (Imponderable #133)

27 Dec

December 27, 2016

happy-new-year

Dear Mr. Blog:

I am throwing a big New Year’s Eve soiree and I am inviting the crème de la crème of society. Nearly the entire Wayne Rogers Junior High marching band will be there! But I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. I don’t want to be a laughingstock at my next algebra club meeting. 

How is a combination of cake and ice cream to be served? On a dessert plate or in a bowl? How is it eaten? Fork or spoon? Is it ever proper to eat from a plate with a spoon?

HELP!

(Signed) Bruin Z. Othello, AKA Myron from the Block

Dear Myron

This is just the sort of letter I’d toss in the trash over to Mr. Know-It-All’s desk but he’s been locked in the men’s room since last week. However, Myron, I found a good substitute. This is an actual answer to your question from Miss Manners. Yes, she is still alive… sort of.

GENTLE READER: Have you ever tried to eat ice cream with a fork?

You needn’t. Contrary to what many people believe, Miss Manners assures you that etiquette is not out to trick you. When dessert is both textured and runny or gooey, both a spoon and a fork should be available.

It would also be too much of a challenge to have to eat cake from a bowl. The ice cream is properly placed on top of the cake, so that any melting will be absorbed before getting to the plate.

“Too much of a challenge to have to eat cake from a bowl”??? Seriously? Miss Manners’ dictionary must have a different meaning of the word “challenge” than mine does.

Is it too hard to put the cake in a bowl, plop some ice cream on top of it, and eat it all with a spoon? If you can’t eat a piece of cake with a spoon and need to break out a fork to do some heavy lifting, you are A: serving the wrong kind of cake or B: clearly doing something wrong with your life.

Myron, what kind of a person can’t figure this one out?
The question is Imponderable.

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And in case anyone was wondering, that was an actual letter to Miss Manners from just last week. Sigh, I weep for the world. Somewhere in Europe there are starving kids who would eat a piece of cake with their bare hands out of a tiger’s mouth and people here worry about which utensil to use? This is why I hate people.

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Green Lantern Vs. Yellowface

12 Dec

December 12, 2016

green-lantern-vs-yellowface

“HA HA! I’ve got you now, Green Lantern,” cackled Yellowface. “I’m yellow, my murder machine is yellow, even this whole universe is yellow! You are powerless against yellow! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!” Yellowface turned on his evil-looking murder machine and drooled with anticipation at Green Lantern’s impending doom.

Green Lantern slowly pulled off one of his bright white gloves, filled it with power ring-created rocks, and bludgeoned Yellowface into oblivion. “Powerless against yellow my butt!”

OK, that never happened, but it should have. Being powerless against yellow is and always was a stupid weakness. There are a million ways around it. Sinestro is attacking with a yellow sword? A quick burst of blue spray paint solves that problem. Didn’t Green Lantern learn anything from Batman? A utility belt with a spray can would be invaluable to him.

green-banana

Here’s one that happened not too long ago. The original Green Lantern was a member of the Justice Society. They were moving into a new base of operations and Green Lantern couldn’t help carry a crate. His ring’s weakness was wood so he was powerless to carry a heavy box. Let me repeat: the superhero was powerless to carry a heavy box. An actual paid comic book writer wrote that.

But was he powerless? No, he wasn’t. Here are just a few possibilities he should have tried:
– Lift up the section of the floor it was sitting on and float the floor wherever the crate needed to go. Lift floor, lift box. (In the comic, the floor was clearly not wood.)
– Use his ring to lift the crate by the metal nails and studs. Lift the nails and the rest of the crate goes with it.
– Coat the box with dirt or dust from the surrounding area, then use the ring to carry the box.
– Create a powerful exoskeleton, lift the box with his bare hands.

Of course, there is always the chance that Green Lantern was just feeling lazy and used the old wood weakness excuse to take a break and let Wildcat do all the work.

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