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My Untitled Novel Project, Part One (Still Unfinished)

27 Feb

February 27, 2018

Russia tried to influence the Presidential election? Give me a break. They have bigger ambitions than that, and back in 2015 I spelled it out in the opening chapter of my novel.

August 9, 2015

The Time: Now
The Place: The Kremlin

Vladimir Putin has assembled all of his most trusted Communist Party leaders. Standing at the head of a long conference table, Putin dims the lights as a video screen blinks to life behind him. On it is a map of Europe. He leans forward.

“Thank you all for coming here on such short notice.”

The others smile small, tight smiles. Some nod, others simply look straight ahead. They were all summoned out of their beds mere minutes ago.

“As you know, it is our Russian destiny to put our stamp on the world.” As he speaks, the Russian hammer and sickle appears on the view screen above every European capital. “What most of you don’t know is that our destiny is now. It begins tonight.”

The assembled men shift slightly in their seats, glancing at each other out of the corners of their eyes, careful to maintain the smiles on their faces. None want to appear disloyal.

Putin pauses. He looks at each of the men, mentally cataloging which he can trust and which will “disappear” this night. After a deliberately long silence, he gestures to the screen.

“And this is how our dominion begins.”

The picture on the screen changes, dissolving into recent news footage. Now the smiles of the men fade. They openly stare at each other. They have seen the news footage before. It is from a recent Japanese tragedy, and all of them are afraid of what it may mean. Of what Putin may mean.

“This, comrades, this is how we will rule the world!” Putin presses a button, and the video freezes, with one single, terrifying image lighting the darkened room. It is reflected in the glasses of the other men, on their shiny medals, and in their fear-struck eyes.

It is Godzilla.

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Hey, what do you think? Is this a winner or what? Didn’t that have you on the edge of your seat? I don’t want to give too much away, but crazy ol’ Putin has found a way to control Godzilla, and he going to use him to destroy the world. Will he succeed? Can he be stopped? And what the heck do Gummy Bears have to do with it? You’ll just have to wait and find out!

(It might be a long wait. That’s all I wrote.)

putnin-rifle

He’s a bad man!

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Superman, The Man of Shill (JLA Blog 3)

18 Nov

November 17, 2017

The Justice League movie opened this weekend, and as I predicted, the reviews are moderately stinky. I was hoping that we’d at least get some cool toys based on the film, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. So in honor of the mediocre film, let’s take a look back at some mediocre superhero tie-in products. 

(If anyone is still interested in buying some kryptonite rocks, I think I have some moss covered stones in my backyard. Hit me up for the hook up.)

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May 5, 2011

This week marks the anniversary of the day in 1938 that Superman Debuted in Action Comics #1.

In honor of the event I am going to showcase a few of the more obscure products which have been endorsed by Superman.

KRYPTONITE ROCKS

It’s Terrific!
It’s Fantastic!
It’s a Rock!

These are rocks painted green with glow-in-the-dark paint, $2.50 per rock, $1 shipping and handling. So what is the theory here? Why is Superman ripping off kids- er, selling Kryptonite? Superman is selling them to his friends- The Parasite better not send in $3.50- so they can take possession of the irradiated chunks of the planet Krypton and keep them safe, in lead boxes, so Superman can never come in contact with them. Ah. My God, this is easily one of the worst rip off’s I have ever seen. Selling rocks to kids. Anyone who bought these should go to the DC offices and hurl them back through the windows.

SUPERMAN PEANUT BUTTER and PEANUTS

Superman is the hero and protector of all humanity, except the approximately 0.6% of the population with severe peanut allergies and can die from anaphylaxis if they inhale even a tiny amount of peanut dust. I hope he changes Super-suits after he leaves the peanut factory or he may end up killing the very baby he rescues from Brainiac.

Check out this ad for Superman peanut butter. Superman is willing to protect the secret of its great taste with his life! I don’t blame him. Once Lex Luthor gets the secret of great taste, he can corner the peanut butter market, and how far behind can grape jelly be?

SUPERMAN CINEMATIC PICTURE PISTOL

There is a short filmstrip in the gun. You look through the hole in the back of the gun and see a frame of a filmstrip. Pulling the trigger advances the film.

This is easily, hands down, the most irresponsible toy I have ever seen. Yes, I get that this is from another era, that kids were routinely given toy guns and even real guns to play with. I get all of that. But whose idea was it to put a movie inside a gun? To teach young kids to put a gun to their heads and pull the trigger?

A movie in a gun? Thanks, Superman.

SPECIALMAN

OK, it’s a Japanese rip-off but out of all the stuff on this page, this is probably the most fun. But given the amount of lead probably used in the paint, it is likely also the most dangerous.

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