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Superman, The Man of Shill (JLA Blog 3)

18 Nov

November 17, 2017

The Justice League movie opened this weekend, and as I predicted, the reviews are moderately stinky. I was hoping that we’d at least get some cool toys based on the film, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. So in honor of the mediocre film, let’s take a look back at some mediocre superhero tie-in products. 

(If anyone is still interested in buying some kryptonite rocks, I think I have some moss covered stones in my backyard. Hit me up for the hook up.)

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May 5, 2011

This week marks the anniversary of the day in 1938 that Superman Debuted in Action Comics #1.

In honor of the event I am going to showcase a few of the more obscure products which have been endorsed by Superman.

KRYPTONITE ROCKS

It’s Terrific!
It’s Fantastic!
It’s a Rock!

These are rocks painted green with glow-in-the-dark paint, $2.50 per rock, $1 shipping and handling. So what is the theory here? Why is Superman ripping off kids- er, selling Kryptonite? Superman is selling them to his friends- The Parasite better not send in $3.50- so they can take possession of the irradiated chunks of the planet Krypton and keep them safe, in lead boxes, so Superman can never come in contact with them. Ah. My God, this is easily one of the worst rip off’s I have ever seen. Selling rocks to kids. Anyone who bought these should go to the DC offices and hurl them back through the windows.

SUPERMAN PEANUT BUTTER and PEANUTS

Superman is the hero and protector of all humanity, except the approximately 0.6% of the population with severe peanut allergies and can die from anaphylaxis if they inhale even a tiny amount of peanut dust. I hope he changes Super-suits after he leaves the peanut factory or he may end up killing the very baby he rescues from Brainiac.

Check out this ad for Superman peanut butter. Superman is willing to protect the secret of its great taste with his life! I don’t blame him. Once Lex Luthor gets the secret of great taste, he can corner the peanut butter market, and how far behind can grape jelly be?

SUPERMAN CINEMATIC PICTURE PISTOL

There is a short filmstrip in the gun. You look through the hole in the back of the gun and see a frame of a filmstrip. Pulling the trigger advances the film.

This is easily, hands down, the most irresponsible toy I have ever seen. Yes, I get that this is from another era, that kids were routinely given toy guns and even real guns to play with. I get all of that. But whose idea was it to put a movie inside a gun? To teach young kids to put a gun to their heads and pull the trigger?

A movie in a gun? Thanks, Superman.

SPECIALMAN

OK, it’s a Japanese rip-off but out of all the stuff on this page, this is probably the most fun. But given the amount of lead probably used in the paint, it is likely also the most dangerous.

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Superman’s Justice Jogger! (JLA Blog 2)

14 Nov

November 14, 2017

Back in 2013, I featured this Super Powers toy. I guess the best way to describe it is to call it a walking easy chair for Superman.

I’ve seen the promos for the upcoming Justice League movie and I am disappointed that this didn’t make the cut. I’m hoping they are saving this for the surprise reveal in the film’s climax.

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February 16, 2013

jogger

superman-logo-012LOOK! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… it’s… probably just a bird or a plane. So where’s Superman? Lex Luthor has just stolen the Fregosi Emerald and he’s making his getaway down Bates Avenue! Someone has to stop him!

Oh, wait a minute, here comes Superman, reclining in an easy chair and drinking a nice warm cup of tea. He’s wearing a cardigan and slippers. Huh? How does he ever expect to catch Luthor now?

Oh, catch him he shall. For superman is taking it easy today, sitting back and catching up on some reading while pursuing evil in his JUSTICE JOGGER!

jjoggerside

Superman appears to be asking for some lemon for his tea. Wonder Woman is disgusted.

Yes, for those days when leaping tall buildings in a single bound just sounds like too much effort, and flying at supersonic speed is a lot of work, Superman whips out his JUSTICE JOGGER and chases the bad guys at a nice and sedate, moderate rate of speed.

Super_Powers_Justice_Jogger_MIB_C-8_5

And hey- power stepping action! No longer will medium-sized rocks stand between Superman and rounding up the Royal Flush Gang. It even has a sun roof!

This looks like so much fun! Doesn't it? DOESN'T IT???

This looks like so much fun! Doesn’t it? DOESN’T IT???

justice-jogger1

Wow- that sun roof is windup powered! And can you believe that the package says that Superman could catch Darkseid in that? Whoa, is there anything the Justice Jogger can’t do? Probably catch Darkseid, for one thing.

9a35_1

This one broke down when Cyborg took it to Detroit and it was stripped for parts by a gang.

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