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New School Textbooks

8 Sep

September 7, 2017

It’s a new school year and that means new textbooks. I’m glad to see that schools are finally replacing the old and out of date books they’ve used for years, but I’m not sold on the new, corporate-sponsored texts. Do I really want Elmo and Big Bird explaining the My Lai Massacre? 

Big Bird had to be airlifted to a MASH unit

 

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Green Lantern Vs. Yellowface

12 Dec

December 12, 2016

green-lantern-vs-yellowface

“HA HA! I’ve got you now, Green Lantern,” cackled Yellowface. “I’m yellow, my murder machine is yellow, even this whole universe is yellow! You are powerless against yellow! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!” Yellowface turned on his evil-looking murder machine and drooled with anticipation at Green Lantern’s impending doom.

Green Lantern slowly pulled off one of his bright white gloves, filled it with power ring-created rocks, and bludgeoned Yellowface into oblivion. “Powerless against yellow my butt!”

OK, that never happened, but it should have. Being powerless against yellow is and always was a stupid weakness. There are a million ways around it. Sinestro is attacking with a yellow sword? A quick burst of blue spray paint solves that problem. Didn’t Green Lantern learn anything from Batman? A utility belt with a spray can would be invaluable to him.

green-banana

Here’s one that happened not too long ago. The original Green Lantern was a member of the Justice Society. They were moving into a new base of operations and Green Lantern couldn’t help carry a crate. His ring’s weakness was wood so he was powerless to carry a heavy box. Let me repeat: the superhero was powerless to carry a heavy box. An actual paid comic book writer wrote that.

But was he powerless? No, he wasn’t. Here are just a few possibilities he should have tried:
– Lift up the section of the floor it was sitting on and float the floor wherever the crate needed to go. Lift floor, lift box. (In the comic, the floor was clearly not wood.)
– Use his ring to lift the crate by the metal nails and studs. Lift the nails and the rest of the crate goes with it.
– Coat the box with dirt or dust from the surrounding area, then use the ring to carry the box.
– Create a powerful exoskeleton, lift the box with his bare hands.

Of course, there is always the chance that Green Lantern was just feeling lazy and used the old wood weakness excuse to take a break and let Wildcat do all the work.

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