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My Review of The New Celebrity Apprentice 2017 with Ahhnold

4 Jan

January 4, 2017

5834b68573af0-image

What’s the deal with the horse?

My review of the New Celebrity Apprentice with Arnold Schwarzenegger:

It stinks.

Good night everybody! You’ve been great!

mic-drop

This season Arnold Schwarzenegger (you try typing that) has taken over as boss. Donald Trump was unavailable for some reason. 

OK, let’s be real. The show does totally stink, but this year it can’t be solely blamed on the horrible contestants, whom I’ll get to in a minute. The blame has to land squarely on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bulky shoulders. He’s terrible. Awful. Not funny, not intimidating, just boring. I have a lot more fun at home doing a bad Arnold impression in my living room. (Imagine this in an Arnold voice.) “Now is the time for you to tell who is the one I should fire now or I will ram my fist into your stomach!” “Women’s team, I am going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately! Who’s your daddy, and what does he do?” 

In fact, just by using this Arnold soundboard you can create a better boardroom experience all by yourself.: https://celebdial.com/c/arnold-schwarzenegger Try it! It’s a blast.

I should also note that Arnold (“in here you call me ‘Governor'”)  is accompanied by his nephew, Petey, I think, who has an accent that’s almost but not quite as funny as his uncle’s.

Meanwhile, instead of picking a catchphrase (“you’re fired” having been taken) and sticking with it, he used at least three in the opening double episode. “You’re terminated”, “get to the chopper”, and “hasta la vista, baby.” I’m waiting for week 13 when he’s run of out good ones and is stuck with something from Hercules Goes Bananas. 

Meanwhile, who are the celebrities? 
I don’t know. I can identify a few of them, and a couple might even qualify as celebrities, but seriously? I’ll let you decide for yourself.

Jon Lovitz. Perhaps the biggest name in the cast. Let that sink in. Personally, I liked him on SNL. Loved him as Satan.

lovitz-satan

Kyle Richards. Thought she was a dude with that name. She’s a Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other.
Chael Sonnen. A mixed martial arts guy. I don’t think he said a word in the entire show last night. 
Boy George and Vince Neil. Vince drinks. George does not. HILARITY ENSUES! (NOTE: Hilarity does not ensue.)
Laila Ali: Muhammad Ali’s daughter. Also allegedly a TV host. Have you seen her hosting something?
Snooki. She is surprisingly low-key and sober.

snookie-arrest

And by the way, congratulations to Snooki for the weight loss, but I think she looked better before.
Ricky Williams, Eric Dickerson, and Lisa Leslie. Athletes. Lisa Leslie was in the WNBA. (Not making a joke, just an observation.)
Carson Kressley. Used to be one of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. I liked him on the show last night, and he seems to be doing a pro job. But at the end of the day, what is he known for? What did he do to be famous? He’s famous for being gay, which seems really unfair to all the other gay folks out there.
Porsha Williams. Another Real Housewife of Somewhere Low Classy or Other, but a different place than the other one.
Carrie Keagan. Who? Doesn’t matter, she was first to go.
Carnie Wilson. Once known for being in Wilson Phillips, now known for her seesaw weight. Doesn’t matter, she was next to go.
Matt Iseman. Another one I never heard of before. He hosts American Ninja Warrior, which would be a feather in any child’s cap. So far I like him.
Brooke Burke-Charvet. She was a bigger name when she was just Brooke Burke. Big name on the E! Channel, which means she’s a star on a cable channel most people neither watch nor want.

Meanwhile, I’ll give Arnold the last word: “Get your ass to Mars!” (Total Recall, and soon to be a catchphrase.)

 

 

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Late Night Movie House: Zoolander 2

16 Feb

February 16, 2016

LNMHOC zoolander

In a recent review, Leonard Maltin explained that, for the first time in his career, he walked out of a movie he was intending to review. Unsurprisingly, that movie was Zoolander 2.

But as I embarked on the experience of watching Zoolander 2 at a press screening the other night, I had an immediate reaction of annoyance and impatience. The film was stupid right from the start. I told myself that I was wasting my time for no good reason.

Still, I stayed. Ten minutes passed, then twenty, filled with puerile and unfunny gags; along with gratuitous cameo appearances by everyone from Katy Perry to Willie Nelson. If even one of them had seemed clever I might have summoned some hope for the rest of the picture, but it was not to be.

Mind you, I thought the original Zoolander was pretty funny. I had no reason to expect this one to be so much worse. But it is.

Finally, after almost an hour, I strode out of the theater, proud of myself for taking positive action and sparing myself further insult.

But could Zoolander 2 really be that bad? Sure, it looks bad. And sure, everyone says it’s bad. And yes, the commercials all make it seem bad. But is it really bad? I sent some of the regulars from this blog to check it out and get their opinions.

It's the sequel no one wanted ten years too late

It’s the sequel no one wanted ten years too late

I can relate. I saw the original Zoolander in the theater when it first came out in 2001. I recall laughing here and there, but I also recall that the laughs became less and less as the film rolled on. It became less funny as it went on too, and more stupid. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that as the movie went on, I realized there was less to it than it seemed. It was just a generally stupid movie. I was feeling stupid for buying a ticket. I should have been warned by the presence of Will Ferrell, whose bad films and roles are slowly piling up higher than his good films and roles.

Let’s put Will Ferrell on the Mike Meyers scale.

meyers scale ferrell head

But aside from all that, I sat through the original Zoolander and every other film I’ve paid to see. Unlike Leonard Maltin, I never left a movie before it was over. But In retrospect, there were some films I wish I did walk out on.

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. This was Oliver Stone at his worst, and that’s saying a lot. The film was close to three hours long and several people left after about an hour and a half. Unless you’ve seen it, you don’t understand the pain we felt in the theater.

STARSHIP TROOPERS. That movie wanted you to root for the Nazis. A lot of people say how great the novel is, and it is- I read it. But none of the satire or real meaning made it to the screen. It was simply disgusting Nazis fighting disgusting bugs. I was rooting for the projector to break.

BATMAN AND ROBIN. Do I need to explain this? To borrow a phrase from MST3K: “Deep Hurting.”

Honorable mentions- I did not walk out but others did.

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. This was a found footage movie before people knew what that was. I saw it in a theater that was half full when it began, nearly empty when it ended. I enjoyed it but there was a lot of loud and rude complaining from almost everyone else throughout.

THE SOUTH PARK MOVIE. A lot of people brought their kids. Big mistake. They left very quickly, but as soon as I realized it was a foul-mouthed musical, I settled in and enjoyed the ride.

 

BONUS! ROGER EBERT’S REVIEW OF NORTH (the movie, not Kanye’s kid)

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

Best review ever!

 

 

 

 

 

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