Tag Archives: Mike Myers

Late Night Movie House: Zoolander 2

16 Feb

February 16, 2016

LNMHOC zoolander

In a recent review, Leonard Maltin explained that, for the first time in his career, he walked out of a movie he was intending to review. Unsurprisingly, that movie was Zoolander 2.

But as I embarked on the experience of watching Zoolander 2 at a press screening the other night, I had an immediate reaction of annoyance and impatience. The film was stupid right from the start. I told myself that I was wasting my time for no good reason.

Still, I stayed. Ten minutes passed, then twenty, filled with puerile and unfunny gags; along with gratuitous cameo appearances by everyone from Katy Perry to Willie Nelson. If even one of them had seemed clever I might have summoned some hope for the rest of the picture, but it was not to be.

Mind you, I thought the original Zoolander was pretty funny. I had no reason to expect this one to be so much worse. But it is.

Finally, after almost an hour, I strode out of the theater, proud of myself for taking positive action and sparing myself further insult.

But could Zoolander 2 really be that bad? Sure, it looks bad. And sure, everyone says it’s bad. And yes, the commercials all make it seem bad. But is it really bad? I sent some of the regulars from this blog to check it out and get their opinions.

It's the sequel no one wanted ten years too late

It’s the sequel no one wanted ten years too late

I can relate. I saw the original Zoolander in the theater when it first came out in 2001. I recall laughing here and there, but I also recall that the laughs became less and less as the film rolled on. It became less funny as it went on too, and more stupid. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that as the movie went on, I realized there was less to it than it seemed. It was just a generally stupid movie. I was feeling stupid for buying a ticket. I should have been warned by the presence of Will Ferrell, whose bad films and roles are slowly piling up higher than his good films and roles.

Let’s put Will Ferrell on the Mike Meyers scale.

meyers scale ferrell head

But aside from all that, I sat through the original Zoolander and every other film I’ve paid to see. Unlike Leonard Maltin, I never left a movie before it was over. But In retrospect, there were some films I wish I did walk out on.

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. This was Oliver Stone at his worst, and that’s saying a lot. The film was close to three hours long and several people left after about an hour and a half. Unless you’ve seen it, you don’t understand the pain we felt in the theater.

STARSHIP TROOPERS. That movie wanted you to root for the Nazis. A lot of people say how great the novel is, and it is- I read it. But none of the satire or real meaning made it to the screen. It was simply disgusting Nazis fighting disgusting bugs. I was rooting for the projector to break.

BATMAN AND ROBIN. Do I need to explain this? To borrow a phrase from MST3K: “Deep Hurting.”

Honorable mentions- I did not walk out but others did.

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. This was a found footage movie before people knew what that was. I saw it in a theater that was half full when it began, nearly empty when it ended. I enjoyed it but there was a lot of loud and rude complaining from almost everyone else throughout.

THE SOUTH PARK MOVIE. A lot of people brought their kids. Big mistake. They left very quickly, but as soon as I realized it was a foul-mouthed musical, I settled in and enjoyed the ride.


BONUS! ROGER EBERT’S REVIEW OF NORTH (the movie, not Kanye’s kid)

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

Best review ever!






My Review of Shrek Ever After in 3D

5 Jun

June 5, 2010

“We have to save them before they fandango into oblivion!”

(Don’t worry, I’ll explain later.)

Shrek 4 in 3D may be the most shocking film of the season. I was shocked to discover that a 3D film is $4 more expensive than a regular film, which already requires a credit check before you buy a ticket. Shrek 4 was also available in IMAX 3D, but having already taken out a lien on my car to buy popcorn, I saw the regular old 3D.

Shrek did not take advantage of  the 3D at all. Obviously, it was made in traditional 2D until someone saw how James Cameron pulled a fast one on the public with Avatar and Dreamworks pulled out the polarized lenses and viola! “3D.” Now everything will be in 3D, including your old vacation films and still no one will sit through them.

Before the film, the theater advised that “to stay green” would we please “recycle” our 3D glasses. They really mean “green” as in “money” because all they’ll do is Lysol them off and give them to the next guy (and I seriously doubt they’ll Lysol them off.) I look at the glasses as part of the ticket price so I kept them. I’m wearing them now as I type. Sure they look silly, but they are also giving me one heck of a headache.

Mike Myers stars as Shrek and he must have run out of ideas. Remember the Austin Powers where Austin loses his mojo and goes back in time to get it? Same thing here. In this film, Shrek/Austin has become a celebrated household name. Instead of fearing him, people cheer him. Instead of avoiding him, they take tours to watch him go to the bathroom. No, seriously, that was in the film.

Taking advantage of Shrek’s lost mojo is Rumplestilskin, and if you think I spelled that right the chances are one in ten thousand. He looks like a short, pasty gnarled version of John Lithgow but about a hundred times more handsome and less annoying. Rumpy tricked Shrek into signing a contract in which A- Shrek got to be an object of fear and loathing once again, and B- Rumpy got to erase the day Shrek was born. Why does he want to do that? The film opens with a flashback to a time before Shrek saved Princess Fiona, his half human/half She-Shrek bride. It seems that ol’ Rump Face was thisclose to getting the King to sign over the kingdom in exchange for curing his daughter when Shrek blundered in and cheesed the deal, thus causing Rump Rump years and years of living out of garbage cans with only his evil goose as a companion. Yup. A giant evil goose.


Well, as any fan of Back to the Future can tell you, Shrek returned to a future where Rumplewhatever was King, Fiona never met him, and Biff Tannen ran the biggest casino in town. To make things right, Shrek had to get Fiona to kiss him at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, a long shot seeing as how all the  ogres were being hunted down like Taylor and his crew in Planet of the Apes.

Other new characters in the film include a whole slew of new ogres who teach Shrek how to blow great blasts out of his, er, ears, and the Pied Piper, who plays the Beastie Boys’ Sure Shot on his flute, (I am not making that up)

In fact, the Pied Piper inspired one of my favorite lines in the film (OK, my only favorite line in the film): “We have to save them before they fandango into oblivion!” In the pretense of keeping this a fair and objective review, I will tell you only that Puss in Boots said it to Donkey as the ogres were forced to dance away by the Piper, but I will not tell you the song they danced to.

Does Shrek save the day?
Does Fiona fall in love with him again?
Did I almost spill my large coke all over my sneakers?
Of course. This is a Dreamworks film, not some sad post-war Russian art house flick.

Overall, this is a worthy addition to the Shrek oeuvre, and if you are as lucky as I was, it is even better seen from my favorite seats, top row, center. While the 3D may not have been used to much effect, I’m sure the IMAX was much the same, just on a bigger screen.

(Speaking of 3D, thank God they didn’t film Sex and the City in IMAX 3D. Those wrinkles would look like canyons!)

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