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Hollywood’s Day Off: A Hollywood Russell Story

19 Feb

February 19, 2016

Hollywood's Day Off

It was 12 noon on a Tuesday in New York City. September. The sun was shining, the sky was clear, a cool breeze through the trees. In the business district, men and women were emptying out of their office buildings like flood over a dam. It was lunchtime and executives in expensive fedoras on their way to lunch at the club mingled with secretaries in uncomfortable shoes off to run errands, dodging the lines of tellers, clerks, and salesmen milling around the corner hot dog stands.

In the park, the benches quickly filled with men and women carrying their paper bags full of baloney sandwiches or slices of last night’s roast on a hard roll. At this hour, men and women were walking quickly through the park, from east to west, west to east, north to south, south to north. Lunch hour was precious and flew by all too quickly, and soon it was time to go back to the drab office and restart the day’s toil.

Hollywood Russell sat on a bench under a tree and enjoyed the little dramas that played out before him. There was a man with hangdog eyes, looking at his newspaper but not seeing it. Across from him were a pair of men loudly complaining about their bosses. Turning right, Hollywood saw a trio of young secretaries walking past a bench where an equally young executive sat. Hollywood watched them walk, as did the young executive.

Private eyes rarely had the luxury of enjoying a day like this. If there was no case, Hollywood would be in his office, and lunch would either be at his desk or down at the local watering hole. If there was a case, he’d be out but working, and lunch, if he had the time, was wherever he found himself. But today the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Hollywood was very comfortable on the bench in the park.  He folded his newspaper, dropped it in his lap, and leaned back.

park

Next to Hollywood on the bench, but at a distance that left the PI room to stretch, was a businessman virtually indistinguishable from the others inhabiting the park this afternoon. Neat, moderately priced brown suit, hat pulled back on his head to enjoy the sun, peanut butter sandwich wrapped in wax paper and of course the paper bag next to him.

Hollywood tore his eyes away from the secretaries, who were now on their second lap around the young executive’s bench, and leaned over to his neighbor. “Looks like the fish is on the hook.” He nudged the man in the ribs and nodded in the right direction.

The man in the brown suit looked and smiled. “With gams like that, those dames can’t lose.” Hollywood favored him with a wolf grin that ended at his eyes and leaned back.

The minutes ticked by and little by little the park emptied out as New York’s businesses demanded their cogs and gears start spinning again. The secretarial trio, their appetites quenched for food but no more, went back to their desks, phones, and coffee. The young executive looked at his watch and decided that he had stretched his hour about as far as he could, and made ready to get up.

Hollywood stood up, and as he did, the newspaper in his lap fell to the ground. “Oh, pardon me.”

He bent to pick it up, jostling his bench mate just as the man fired the gun that had been hidden in the brown paper bag. His shot went high, lodging in a tree just a few feet above the young executive’s head.

The detective straightened up and turned to the would-be killer. “Tell Deez he’ll have to do better than that.” He plucked the gun out of the man’s hand, tucked the newspaper under his arm, and walked out of the park, escorting the startled young executive back to his office.

It was such a nice day that Hollywood almost considered not cashing the check.

 

 

 

 

Late Night Movie House: Zoolander 2

16 Feb

February 16, 2016

LNMHOC zoolander

In a recent review, Leonard Maltin explained that, for the first time in his career, he walked out of a movie he was intending to review. Unsurprisingly, that movie was Zoolander 2.

But as I embarked on the experience of watching Zoolander 2 at a press screening the other night, I had an immediate reaction of annoyance and impatience. The film was stupid right from the start. I told myself that I was wasting my time for no good reason.

Still, I stayed. Ten minutes passed, then twenty, filled with puerile and unfunny gags; along with gratuitous cameo appearances by everyone from Katy Perry to Willie Nelson. If even one of them had seemed clever I might have summoned some hope for the rest of the picture, but it was not to be.

Mind you, I thought the original Zoolander was pretty funny. I had no reason to expect this one to be so much worse. But it is.

Finally, after almost an hour, I strode out of the theater, proud of myself for taking positive action and sparing myself further insult.

But could Zoolander 2 really be that bad? Sure, it looks bad. And sure, everyone says it’s bad. And yes, the commercials all make it seem bad. But is it really bad? I sent some of the regulars from this blog to check it out and get their opinions.

It's the sequel no one wanted ten years too late

It’s the sequel no one wanted ten years too late

I can relate. I saw the original Zoolander in the theater when it first came out in 2001. I recall laughing here and there, but I also recall that the laughs became less and less as the film rolled on. It became less funny as it went on too, and more stupid. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that as the movie went on, I realized there was less to it than it seemed. It was just a generally stupid movie. I was feeling stupid for buying a ticket. I should have been warned by the presence of Will Ferrell, whose bad films and roles are slowly piling up higher than his good films and roles.

Let’s put Will Ferrell on the Mike Meyers scale.

meyers scale ferrell head

But aside from all that, I sat through the original Zoolander and every other film I’ve paid to see. Unlike Leonard Maltin, I never left a movie before it was over. But In retrospect, there were some films I wish I did walk out on.

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. This was Oliver Stone at his worst, and that’s saying a lot. The film was close to three hours long and several people left after about an hour and a half. Unless you’ve seen it, you don’t understand the pain we felt in the theater.

STARSHIP TROOPERS. That movie wanted you to root for the Nazis. A lot of people say how great the novel is, and it is- I read it. But none of the satire or real meaning made it to the screen. It was simply disgusting Nazis fighting disgusting bugs. I was rooting for the projector to break.

BATMAN AND ROBIN. Do I need to explain this? To borrow a phrase from MST3K: “Deep Hurting.”

Honorable mentions- I did not walk out but others did.

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. This was a found footage movie before people knew what that was. I saw it in a theater that was half full when it began, nearly empty when it ended. I enjoyed it but there was a lot of loud and rude complaining from almost everyone else throughout.

THE SOUTH PARK MOVIE. A lot of people brought their kids. Big mistake. They left very quickly, but as soon as I realized it was a foul-mouthed musical, I settled in and enjoyed the ride.

 

BONUS! ROGER EBERT’S REVIEW OF NORTH (the movie, not Kanye’s kid)

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

Best review ever!