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Amos Has Retired

16 Aug

August 16, 2022

Yes, it is true. Top Investigator Amos has retired. As he put it, “I think maybe I can put away my rolodex.”

Amos does not take bad news well. He takes everything personally. We have been telling him for months that we had no work to give him, and he only had a few old cases he was still working on. The truth is, we had no work that we were able to give him. We were asked by most clients not to use him on their cases.

“A Crackerjack like me should be in demand.”

He tended to yell at and berate the people he was supposed to be helping. This is the text of an actual letter (not an email or text, a letter) that he sent to someone whose cooperation he needed sometime last year.

Dear (name redacted) !

I have called you twice and you have not given me the simple courtesy of a reply! I will travel to your house on Wednesday to one more time meet you so you can sign your affidavit. Please do research and go on The Google first to see where a notary is so we don’t waste any more time!

Amos was in the office about a month ago. He comes in once a week without fail to “report.” This is not a job requirement. No one else does that. His reports usually start with a recap of whatever movie he saw over the weekend and news of his “ladyfriend,” and the less said about that the better.

On this particular day he had arrived early and decided to sit in my office and wait for me there, as opposed to the absolutely anywhere else that would have been more appropriate. Being a “Top Investigator” and a “Crackerjack” apparently means that closed doors do not apply to him. On my desk was a list I keep of all my investigators and their assignments. While everyone else had from 6 to 8 assignments, Amos had only 1. Amos had rested a brochure for herbal supplements on it.

Amos told me that he was leaving us due to lack of work, lamented that someone with his skills wasn’t better utilized, and then, went to speak with the owner of the company, who has known Amos for at least 25 years.

Their goodbye lasted a minute and a half.

So long Amos, and good luck on the next chapter of your storied career.

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Amos And His Last Stand

13 Aug

August 13, 2021

Before we begin what may be our last Amos adventure, an explanation is in order.

One thing I never do in this blog is lie. Everything I say happened, actually happened. I may exaggerate, I may highlight or downplay certain things, and I certainly write for comedic effect, but if I say something happened, it happened. And if I say something was said, it was said.

But for this particular blog, I am going to present, completely unaltered, and in his own, exact words, a story about Amos, by Amos, from an official report turned in on a case by Amos.

What I will present are pages 8, 9, and 10 of a ten-page report. Pages 1 – 7 and half of page 8 are irrelevant to this story, concerning a case he was working on and which I of course cannot present. The last paragraph of page 10 is also irrelevant, being specific case issues.

The background is that Amos was investigating an alleged accident where someone claims to have fallen down a flight of stairs. He was accompanied by the super of the building, whose name I have changed to Orson. Orson had been an obstacle, angry and uncooperative, even obstructing the investigation since it appeared that this accident may have also exposed a little scam Orson had going on the side. The events below happened just after the official part of the investigation had ended.

I remind you that the paragraphs below are part of the official case file of this matter, subject to subpoena and legal scrutiny at any time.

As our story begins, Amos is looking at Orson’s cell phone, trying to figure out how to email a video to the office….

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PAGE 8

I looked hard at the phone trying to see if I could do anything, but it was hard to figure out even though I’ve done plenty of email forwards as our office knows.

I then said OK, we’ll figure something out and we agreed on rescheduling his interview for another day. I then thanked him for his time, extended my hand in a handshake, and Orson left me like that for a good long while and he finally said, “we’re good.”

However, before I left, he asked if I wanted to use the bathroom which I really had to do. He then went down a corridor some 40 feet turned on the bathroom light,

PAGE 9

came back and said go ahead. I then went to the bathroom and finished doing number 1. I turned about to leave the bathroom and tripped and almost fell due to a plastic soap bottle on the bathroom floor on the side by the door. When I left the bathroom, I left the bathroom light on otherwise the corridor would be too dark to navigate.

On the way back I thought to myself not to mention this as I didn’t want to make an issue of it with Orson’s attitude. However, when I got back to the kitchen area, Orson walked past me not saying anything and went back down to the bathroom, thinking he maybe wanted to spot the bathroom light.

It turned out Orson came back with that plastic soap bottle (he must have heard me tripping) gave me a nasty look and went to the sink to rinse off the bottle. I then told him I didn’t want to make an issue of it but now told him I tripped and almost fell over that soap bottle that was on the bathroom floor.

PAGE 10

Rather than expecting an apology, Orson had the nerve to ask something smells and did I take a krap? (sic) I said definitely not, only did pee pee, flushed and that’s all. I was really taken aback!

Feeling quite upset, I felt I had the right to ask Orson friendly but firmly, is there a problem? He wouldn’t answer and said again leave. Not wanting any confrontation, I said nothing further and left! I really don’t know what Orson’s problem is, embarrassing me and insulting me like that!

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I repeat, that’s an official report.

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