Tag Archives: DNA

The Great Mailman Fake-Out Make-Out

5 May

May 5, 2017

Quick! Who are the randiest civil servants?
Mailmen! They always bring their packages special delivery.

BA DA BOOM!

Not funny you say? Maybe not, but it’s true! Check this out!

Let’s do some math! 1,300 kids / 87 years = 14.9 kids per year. Of course that’s assuming he started fathering kids right out of the womb. So let’s say he started at 18. That’s 1,300 kids / 69 years = 18.8 kids per year. Wow, busy guy. Kind of makes me look pretty lame. I was way, way below his rate of 18.8 kids for 2016, and 2017 is looking even worse. (My doctor keeps telling me to switch to boxers but do I listen? NooOoo.)

This has to be true, right? After all, postmen (INSERT YOUR OWN DIRTY “PACKAGE” INNUENDO RIGHT HERE.)

“I have nothing to be ashamed of. The 60’s were the good old days and I did a great Johnny Cash impression which played out real good with the ladies,” he explained.

“Some even thought I was Johnny Cash for real,” he recalls laughingly. “I don’t know if they really believed it or if they were trying to convince themselves, but who was I to say no to a quickie?” he acknowledged.

Probably not Johnny Cash.

But seriously, it is true, isn’t it?

No, it is not. (Drats!)

Once again the truth gets in the way of a good story.

Click on the image of the famous mailmen below to read another story of a mailman with his own definition of a stocking stuffer at Christmastime.

Also, if you can stomach it, click on the randy gentleman below to read about Japan’s famous senior citizen porn star.

 

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I Take It Back: A Note To My Younger Self.

9 Aug

August 9, 2016

A few days ago I came across a post I wrote back in 2011. It is really short, please read it before I go on.

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April 20, 2011

Dr. Zaius’ Parenting Tips

Let me say upfront that I am not a parent so feel free to disregard my advice.

I saw this product in a catalogue today.

OK, I get that kids need to be kept safe from danger, like the calm shallow water in the first pic and the short shrubs in the second, but when you keep your kids in a cage like the one Taylor was kept in I can only say this:

 

Back to 2016. And I have to ask, what the hell was I thinking????

About a year ago, my brother, Allan Keyes, fathered two of the most adorable kids ever to grace the Earth. I know what you are thinking. Allan Keyes? A father? I wasn’t sure he had enough human DNA to procreate with a human being. Well he does and he did, and against all odds his kids are the most cute and intelligent children you could ever dream of. And they better be because when they grow up they’ll have Uncle Mr. Blog to support.

Seeing them grow and get old enough to toddle around and get into everything and everywhere, I can not only appreciate and support those gates, I will personally endorse them. Keyes has ones just like them and they are invaluable. Yes, I still think kids should be able to roam around and explore (under supervision!) but my adorable little munchkins? Damn straight I am keeping them away from those “short shrubs and shallow water.” These kids aren’t getting within 100 feet of a pointy leaf until they are 21 if I have anything to do about it. I panic when I see a scratch on one of their fingers, and little kids get scratches and boo boos all the time. And they are going to wander near a lake? I say not only put them in that cage, raise the gates another ten feet, they’re too short. If I, as an uncle, panic, I can only imagine how their parents must feel.

Plus those things make great octagons for Kiddie Fight Club (as Keyes himself pointed out.)

Anyway, I’m not too big to admit I was wrong. But don’t go too far. Not everything you see in Planet of The Apes can be adapted for parenting. 

pota diaper

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