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Imponderable #131: A Message From Above?

12 Jul

July 12, 2016

blank imponderable header

I came across a story on News of the Weird that was so ridiculous that it had them rethinking their position on what makes a story weird.

fecal cross

In a nutshell, a woman was changing her baby’s diaper and found a poop smear in the shape of a cross. And as most rational people would do, she fell to her knees, screamed “hallelujah!” and took it as a sign from God. Because where else would you find a sign from God than in a filthy diaper?

While I consider News of the Weird far more credible than the NY Daily News (their motto: please, please end it all and  put us out of our misery) I went to their source, the Huffington Post, which is more credible than the Daily News but still slightly less credible than a gossipy mollusk.

fp1

Are any of you surprised that this story comes from Florida? 

“It might not be the prettiest sign, but he put it where he knew I’d see it. Hard to miss what’s right there in front of you.” Hard to argue with logic like that. If God, in his infinite wisdom, decided to put a sign in literally any other place in the world, this woman would never have seen it. Not in the sky, on her TV, or her forehead. This is why the army routinely used to put Vietnam draft notices in used baby diapers, right? 

I’ve left out the picture because some of you might find it a little disgusting, but it really isn’t that bad. Be warned: you are about to see a slightly soiled diaper.

poop cross

Would God really send a woman a sign by putting a cross made of feces in her child’s diaper?
The question is Imponderable. But I’m pretty sure that no, God wouldn’t. 

But if he did, then this old post featuring a cross created from a man’s baldness must also be a sign.

WORLD'S WORST BALDNESS

Billy and The Dead Meat

25 Jun

June 25, 2016

Are you ready? I’ve got another GREAT idea! I know I have a pretty bad track record at great ideas. My last great movie idea was Hamsterus! Remember that? The touching story of a young boy and his giant radioactive hamster. I tried to get that filmed but there were several roadblocks in my way, such as lack of talent. But I’ve got another AWESOME MOVIE IDEA!

Are you listening, Hollywood? Good.

Mystery is played out. Love stories? Yesterday’s news. How about a good old fashioned Western? Nah. And sci-fi? Unless your name is Mr. Star Wars, tough luck. But I’ve got it.

There hasn’t been a really good stoner film since Seth Rogan and James Franco put out whatever their last piece of crap was. So what we need is a really hysterical stoner comedy. Pot is funny! And that’s what I’ve got in mind. If anyone is going to make stoner movies great again, I will. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

Yes, I am determined to use a bunch of my old logos in this post.

Yes, I am determined to use a bunch of my old logos in this post.

BILLY AND THE DEAD MEAT!

I can hear you now! “Mr. Blog, that sounds amazing! We can’t wait to see your new movie, Billy and The Dead Meat. We love you! We want to have sex with you! Sell me a dozen tickets right now for a ridiculous price! We will pay anything!”

Yeah! I will be happy to take your money! (The sex thing? Not so much, for most of you. Send pictures.) But I think I should probably tell you a little bit more about this incredible film that will totally change your life and make me rich.

See?

See?

Billy is your typical teenage pot smoker. Now I don’t smoke pot and have no idea what teenagers are into nowadays (is Tokyo Drift still a thing?) but hey, how hard is it write a stoner? He smokes, forgets things, falls down and eats a lot.

He is best friends with The Dead Meat. He’s a stoner too but get this! He’s an old man. Think about it! An old man with the munchies! An old man selling pot on the street corner. HA! Old men don’t do that so it’s funny! Maybe I can throw in a medicinal marijuana joke and make it topical. It’ll be great!

Pot! Stoners! A guy called The Dead Meat! The plot? It writes itself! It writes itself so much that I’m not going to worry about writing it right now. I’m sure it won’t be too hard. I’ve got a great title. What more do I need?

All good movies start off with great movie posters.

All good movies start off with great movie posters.