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Whatever It Was, It Almost Happened To Me

25 Jul

July 25, 2015

Before I begin this tale, I’d like to give some very brief background so that this story can make even less sense than it already does. This took place in the middle of the day, around 12:30, in a residential area with plenty of people around (there are large apartment buildings on two of the four corners) and I am not a child, I am a middle aged man.

I was crossing the street and there was one car in the intersection, waiting at the red light. As I neared the car, I noticed the guy behind the wheel slide his hand out of the window and, without looking at me, wiggle his fingers in a “come here” gesture.

I paid no attention to it as I was sure he didn’t mean me. The driver was older, 65 at least, with longish white hair and a white beard. He was wearing a blue plaid shirt. I was wearing shorts and my old Fantastic Four t-shirt. I kept crossing the street and as I drew nearly parallel to the car I heard, quite loudly, his door locks open.

This just felt weird but I still didn’t think it had anything to do with me. I glanced behind me to see who was there, worried that there was a kid behind me who was his target.

There was no one there. He meant me.

Of course I just kept walking across the street, and when I got to the corner I turned back to look at the car. The driver was still looking straight ahead, and when the light turned green he drove away.

I’m not sure how to explain this. Was he trying to pick me up? Abduct me? Or did he simply want to ask me for directions but went about it in the most sinister and easily misunderstood way possible?

I may never know, but I know one thing. If the old guy really did want to pull something hinky, he probably would have broken a hip in the process.

It could have been like this

It could have been like this

Or it could have been like this

Or it could have been like this

.

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NewsFails July 2015

23 Jul

July 23, 2015

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

Hi. I am a lifelong New York resident who would love to attend your school or university. I think that I can write some things pretty good, and I am willing to learn how to write some other things. If you accept me to your fine school or university, I promise that I will never write anything like these things below that I am going to show you.

Thank You Very Much,
Regards
Sincerely.

Bruin Z. Othello

newserw1

“Loon lake?” This article was about a loon on a lake, if you ask me.

Look, it is pretty simple. Most cats are not seafaring cats. They do not like the water. Taking a cat on a canoe is just asking for trouble. I bet that cat turned the man to kibble and kitty litter before he was 3 feet away from the dock.

newserw2

Sorry Dina, porn does not count.

I wonder if any of the offers were for her to be in a snuff film? Not that I’m saying she’s a bad actress (OK, yeah, I’m saying it) but she wouldn’t even make a convincing dead body.

The Metro is, I think, free here in NYC. They hand it out near subway stations, yet has the best headline writer of the bunch.

newserw3

Evann Gastaldo, how do you do it? How do you keep a straight face? Even the cat in the canoe article was credited to anonymous editors and staff. Glad you’re proud of this.

“So a priest, a rabbi, and a farting drummer walk into a bar.” Got it. I just wonder what it would have cost if the window was closed? Would paramedics have been called?

newserw4

I am sure that a couple of surveillance cameras would have been far less expensive.

At times like this, I am jealous of the highly trained journalists at Newser. When I write about people pooping a warehouse it is for laughs. When they do it, they get paid. If I got paid for every article about poop I wrote I’d be a millionaire. (Wait, what does that say about my blog? Uh…)

And here we are, the highlight of the month. This article was so good that I had to run it in its entirety. Here he is, The World’s Sexiest Gorilla. And wouldn’t you know it, this story comes out of Japan. (Click to enlarge.)

newserw5

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

I think I changed my mind. I don’t want to be associated with any of this. Please send my application over to Hamburger University instead.

Thanks
Your Pal

Bruin Z. Othello

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