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Tag Archives: Lindsay Lohan

NewsFails July 2015

23 Jul

July 23, 2015

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

Hi. I am a lifelong New York resident who would love to attend your school or university. I think that I can write some things pretty good, and I am willing to learn how to write some other things. If you accept me to your fine school or university, I promise that I will never write anything like these things below that I am going to show you.

Thank You Very Much,
Regards
Sincerely.

Bruin Z. Othello

newserw1

“Loon lake?” This article was about a loon on a lake, if you ask me.

Look, it is pretty simple. Most cats are not seafaring cats. They do not like the water. Taking a cat on a canoe is just asking for trouble. I bet that cat turned the man to kibble and kitty litter before he was 3 feet away from the dock.

newserw2

Sorry Dina, porn does not count.

I wonder if any of the offers were for her to be in a snuff film? Not that I’m saying she’s a bad actress (OK, yeah, I’m saying it) but she wouldn’t even make a convincing dead body.

The Metro is, I think, free here in NYC. They hand it out near subway stations, yet has the best headline writer of the bunch.

newserw3

Evann Gastaldo, how do you do it? How do you keep a straight face? Even the cat in the canoe article was credited to anonymous editors and staff. Glad you’re proud of this.

“So a priest, a rabbi, and a farting drummer walk into a bar.” Got it. I just wonder what it would have cost if the window was closed? Would paramedics have been called?

newserw4

I am sure that a couple of surveillance cameras would have been far less expensive.

At times like this, I am jealous of the highly trained journalists at Newser. When I write about people pooping a warehouse it is for laughs. When they do it, they get paid. If I got paid for every article about poop I wrote I’d be a millionaire. (Wait, what does that say about my blog? Uh…)

And here we are, the highlight of the month. This article was so good that I had to run it in its entirety. Here he is, The World’s Sexiest Gorilla. And wouldn’t you know it, this story comes out of Japan. (Click to enlarge.)

newserw5

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

I think I changed my mind. I don’t want to be associated with any of this. Please send my application over to Hamburger University instead.

Thanks
Your Pal

Bruin Z. Othello

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DEPORT JUSTIN BIEBER!

25 Jan

January 25, 2014

He may not be the biggest scourge facing the nation, but America can use a pick-me-up and nothing would make us happier than to kick this guy’s butt right out of the country. Sorry Canada, but it is time for you to take care of your own trash.

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Look, I admit that he’s not a serial killer and he’s never blown up a church, but unlike Kanye West, we can get rid of this guy. Egging houses, drag races, peeing in buckets in public, drinking, drugs, bad tattoos, etc, it all adds up to one thing- he’s a douche. And while Miley Cyrus is just as bad, we can’t deport her. So for the greater good, toss him back over the border. And while I can’t come out and advocate that we cut his vocal cords and chemically castrate him, well, accidents happen. (DISCLOSURE: The Editor’s and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride do not advocate violence, no matter how many times we advocate violence, WINK WINK  NUDGE NUDGE.) OK, so maybe some immature 14 year old girls may cry, but don’t worry, they’ll move on to One Direction soon.

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ATTENTION LINDSAY LOHAN: You haven’t dropped off my radar yet. The fact that you didn’t make this list doesn’t make you any less annoying, just less relevant. You are still number one on my list to be mopping the floors at McDonald’s, third shift, as part of your 15th rehab. (Probably in the next few months.)

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